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I am hungry!

Posted in Growing Faith, Joy in the Journey, thinking things through on July 17, 2008| 3 Comments »

Benny and I just finished a 9 day cleanse, with the last 5 days being a liquid fast. But that’s not why I am hungry. My body isn’t quite liking solid food yet, though it’s nice to be chewing again. The gritty stuff I had to drink every 3 hours was like sandpaper to my poor throat the last day of the fast. But, I learned a lot over the last 9 days. I learned that I am hungry…not for food, but for life and truth and beauty and well…a lot of things. I was also keenly aware for those 5 days that I am in fact, female. So not only was I hungry (again – not for food), I was emotional and tired. Aren’t you glad you don’t live at my house?!

So there I was sitting in my chair reading and not wanting to blog or write. Wanting to receive instead of give. I cried out to God, “I’m hungry!”, and you know what He did? He brought to mind a song we sing at church.

Hungry I come to you for I know you satisfy

I am empty but I know your love does not run dry

so I wait for you, yes I wait for you

I’m falling on my knees, offering all of me

Jesus, you’re all this heart is living for.

Broken I run to you for your arms are open wide

I am weary but I know your touch restores my life

so I wait for you, yes I wait for you

I’m falling on my knees, offering all of me

Jesus, you’re all this heart is living for.

Yeah, He’s funny like that. Thanks for the reminder God. I got it. So I turned to Him for hope and living water and food that would feed my soul. He showed me how often I reach for the cheap substitutes to satisfy the longing only He can fill. He revealed that I so often eat mindlessly of things that leave me feeling empty and like I’ve just come off of a sugar rush, when He offers me quality AND quantity and I don’t have to choose between them. So many verses sprang to mind which made me glad that I had put them in there to recall later. Verses about Him loving mercy more than sacrifice, that He’s drawing His own to Himself, that even He is not the judge but that He leaves that up to His Father, and that we will be known by our love. Those are all such simple thoughts with a profound impact on who I am and who I hunger to be.

I’m still chewing on the questions I blogged about last December. I’m nibbling on the truths God has given to me that others might consider scraps while I look at them as…chocolate covered…chocolate. I guess that would make them heavenly truffles. 🙂 I’m devouring books that are drawing me deeper into the mystery that is God. I’m craving…Less formula. More relationship. Less rules. More freedom. Less of me. More of Him. Less IS more.

I imagine that dining with the Father would not be at some long formal table complete with forks and spoons I don’t know what to do with, Him at one end and me at the other. We’d be more like lovers at a small table outside of a cozy little cafe, sitting closely with heads bent together for intimate conversation, drinking from a glass with two straws. It’s that sort of intimacy I am hungry for. And I don’t want to care what anyone else thinks.

Long ago He spoke to people in parables. This year he’s been speaking to me in metaphors and similes. Is there much of a difference? It’s confusing and humbling and yet I get it. He shows me something, I ask for clarification, and He gives it to me. Amazing. Simple. Conversation. A new level of intimacy.

Yes, I am hungry!

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Praying for the Chapman Family

Posted in Family, Growing Faith, Music, Prayer Requests, Promoting Friends, thinking things through on May 22, 2008| 7 Comments »

I’m interrupting my Promoting Friends Week for this special post. Keep entering to win the give aways. We’ll continue with the friends and give aways posts on Monday. I’m going to need a few days. Though I don’t know this family personally, my own pain is too recent and I am grieving with them right now.

Singer/Songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman’s youngest daughter Maria was killed last night. Her brother was backing out of the driveway and didn’t see her. I cannot imagine the horror of this situation and the pain they’re feeling right now. Please pray for their family. His music has been an encouragement to me and my family over the years. It has offered hope, challenge, comfort, wisdom, reminders to love those close to you, and so much more.

Before we were married, Benny and I knew we wanted to adopt someday and we had chosen China as our first adoptive country – before it became one of the biggest focuses of couple seeking international adoption. Several years ago Steven Curtis Chapman was at the Youth Specialties conference we were at and he sang his song When Love Takes You In and showed the video about adoption. It featured his daughter Shaohannah and it made both of us cry. We were so touched by it, and though it seemed to us at the time it was a sign to keep dreaming about our future Chinese daughter, I know now it was about a different kind of adoption.

I think we interpreted those messages and the overflowing compassion in a different way than God may have meant for us. I’m not sure if foreign adoption is still in our future, but I can tell you that we’ve already “adopted” hundreds of children, teens, and adults over our 15 years of marriage. God has placed so many brokenhearted people in our path and used us to show them that “love” and “home” and “family” can be real words in their vocabularies, and I am so grateful. We too have been adopted as sons and daughters into a family bigger than our own. Sometimes we need that reminder. I want to share the video he showed that night and the lyrics for the song. I hear it now and think of our friends on the streets.

I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever
cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in

I want to leave you with one more song. His latest hit single, Cinderella, was inspired by Maria and Stevie Joy, his two youngest daughters. I don’t know if God gave him this song for such a time as this, but I do know that God holds every tear we shed and He never abandons us. I cling to this truth for myself as well as the Chapmans and everyone who has grieved the loss of a child. Pray for comfort and joy for this family.

She spins and she sways to whatever song plays,
Without a care in the world.
And I’m sittin’ here wearin’ the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It’s been a long day and there’s still work to do,
She’s pulling at me saying “Dad I need you!
There’s a ball at the castle and I’ve been invited and I need to practice my dancin'”
“Oh please, daddy, please!”

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
‘Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don’t wanna miss even one song,
Cuz all to soon the clock will strike midnight
And she’ll be gone

She says he’s a nice guy and I’d be impressed
She wants to know if I’d approve of a dress
She says “Dad, the prom is just one week away,
And I need to practice my dancin'”
“Oh please, daddy, please!”

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
‘Cause I know something the prince never knew
Ohh-oh ohh-oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don’t wanna miss even one song,
Cuz all to soon the clock will strike midnight
And she’ll be gone
She will be gone.

Well, she came home today
With a ring on her hand
Just glowin’ and tellin’ us all they had planned
She says “Dad, the wedding’s due six months away
And I need to practice my dancin'”
“Oh please, daddy please!”

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
‘Cause I know something the prince never knew
Ohh-oh ohh-oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don’t wanna miss even one song,
(even one song)
Cuz all to soon the clock will strike midnight
And she’ll be gone

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Thinking through the weekend

Posted in Growing Faith, thinking things through on May 12, 2008| 1 Comment »

I just re-read my Mother’s Day post. I don’t want to leave anyone thinking I am ungrateful for my children, my husband, and the many mothers I have in my life. I am so grateful! In my drive to be authentic I didn’t want to gloss over the painful parts of the day and pretend they didn’t matter just because I need to be thankful for what I have. How many have been wounded by those kinds of remarks made by people with misguided senses of “helping a grieving mother focus on the good in her life”? I know the good I have. 🙂

This was a busy, good, and difficult weekend for me. The weekend began with a fabulous start – dinner with the Captivating women and my gifts from Benny and the kiddos. Saturday was spent cleaning, praying, and thinking, then ended with our school talent show where my little drama king (literally) was absolutely wonderful. Max’s Drama class performed an assortment of vignettes and he played the part of King Philip coercing his best knight to slay a dragon. It was a comedy and Max was a natural. They were having some difficulties back stage with costumes, so his teacher had him throw in some silent comedy relief. The audience thought he was hilarious. 🙂 Watching one of my kiddos make a whole audience laugh just lifted my spirits to a new height for the day. It was great to watch the variety of talent displayed by the students and teachers of FACE. I am thankful for the role our school has played in our lives this year.

Sunday I sang with the band and worshipped at our church then enjoyed Benny’s grilled brats and the works. I spent the afternoon crying my way through P.S. I Love You. I know, it’s a girl thing. Women who know themselves know when they need a good cry and they find a way to make it happen. Mine is through a few select movies, and that is my current favorite “crying movie”. It lets me walk through grief yet also offers hope and healing. It was just what my heart needed. Then my family held our weekly ritual of watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition together and I cried all the way through that. My kiddos kept asking, “Are those happy tears Momma?” Some were, some weren’t. I had a pretty good crying headache going by the time I fell into bed last night. I am better today. 🙂

I had a REALLY weird dream Friday night that is too long (and strange) to share here, but I woke up knowing that there was great meaning in it. I grabbed my Bible to see if I could discover the answer there and asked God to walk me through the revealing of the meaning. I found the answer in my heart and mind instead of in the written word. I love that God speaks to us in so many different ways. So without explaining the dream, here’s the meaning behind it. (This may help you understand my journey at the moment.)

There are things in my life that I am not passionate about, but have taken on for various reasons. Some because I am capable and gifted in those areas and some because there was the pay off of recognition for me. These things, while worthy of time and attention, are not meant for me and I’m not meant for them. By wasting my focus on these things, I’m taking away from my true passions and purpose and also maybe taking away the opportunity someone else needs to step into these roles because they were meant for them. Some of these things sort of dropped into my lap while others I created my own place in them or started them myself. But all of them must come to an end for me to be able to become who I am meant to be…who I WANT to be. My friend Wendy has a saying to explain one of the processes in her own journey. She says she can look behind her and see the big chunks of herself that she cut off along the way to fit into whatever mold others thought (or she thought) she was supposed to fit into. Part of her journey has been discovering what those lost pieces of herself were and becoming whole once again. She’s learning how to take up space and stand in her own skin. I love that. I can relate to that. I think I have been decieved into thinking I’m too much. I’m too loud, too opinionated, too emotional, too type A, you get the picture. I’ve cut big chunks of myself off to fit certain molds, then gone beyond that and sewn some extra ones on so I am a better fit. The truth is I’m trying to fit into the wrong molds and I’m done. Those extra pieces need to come off. I need to rediscover the parts of me that are truly me and fully embrace them. Here’s where it gets scary for me. I’m going to disappoint some people by taking off the excess. They’ve come to depend on me and I really hate letting anyone down. But one of the things God has shown me is that I’m not the only one that can do those jobs. He can raise up someone else and perhaps I’m even in the way of that someone else filling the role they were meant for.

I’m beginning a new phase of removing the pieces that aren’t mine to wear and trying on the pieces that were cut off over the years. It has a similar feel to trying on clothes, which I don’t like to do because it involves disappointment. But I feel a spark of hope, acceptance and joy in the process as well. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be anyone else. I don’t want anyone else’s job, life, gifts and talents, sorrows, or responsibilities. I want my own. I want to be me because nobody else can be. They can try, but they will fail, just like I’ve failed at being anyone other than me. It will be interesting to see what happens next.

These were my thoughts over the weekend. No wonder it was difficult.

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Mourning through Mother’s Day

Posted in Family, Growing Faith, Joy in the Journey, Learning to Cope, thinking things through, Uncategorized on May 11, 2008| 5 Comments »

I was at dinner with the Captivating women last night when my family walked in the restaurant with a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and a mylar balloon that said “Happy Mother’s Day Eve Eve” on it. Benny had added the “Eve, Eve” part. 🙂 I was really surprised and I loved it. It was totally unexpected. I have a wonderful family and I’m glad they appreciate me. It was a wonderful gift and you should have seen the three pairs of shining eyes and beaming grins directed at me as my kiddos presented me with my gifts. It was precious.

I know today is supposed to be a joyous occasion. I usually have visions of children bringing me breakfast in bed and stopping off for a cup of chai on my way to church. I imagine myself having a nice lazy lunch with my family followed by a relaxing afternoon of reading magazines and watching chick flicks. While that may not be far off from my plans for today, I’m not feeling very festive.

This Mother’s day is so different from the past eight Mother’s Days I’ve enjoyed. Losing our baby back in January has left me more emotional and painfully aware of all of the mothers in the world who are without their children. I’ve had two college friends miscarry since I did. One of them lost her twins this week. She had just created and posted a blog so friends and family could track their growth and progress. Then came the doctor’s appointment with no heartbeats. My heart is aching for her. Remember when I said I had hoped sharing my story would encourage others and let them know they are not alone? Guess who my friend turned to? So something good has come out of my loss and I believe that will continue to happen. On the flip side, one of my other friends just birthed a beautiful baby boy and I am so thrilled for her.

I still have so many unanswered questions. I feel something is missing from me. A friend of a friend, Loretta had a REALLY interesting blog post where she talked about the connection a mother and her unborn child have and how they exchange blood and stem cells and how the baby is physically a part of the mother long after she loses him/her or gives birth. I’ll be posting about that more this week.

Another friend who blogged about Mother’s Day reminded me how painful it was all of those years we didn’t have children. I had to sit through an entire church service that talked about the blessings of motherhood when I couldn’t seem to get pregnant no matter what I tried. It felt like a slap in the face and every May was a dreaded reminder of my seeming infertility. When I finally did get pregnant with Max, Benny presented me with my first Mother’s Day card…in January. 🙂 Love that man!

Mother’s Day is just not one of my favorite holidays. I’m thankful for it, but it’s bittersweet this year. Sorry to be such a downer. I hope all of you that are mothers are blessed by your children and families today. For all of you who are not yet mothers or may never be, either by choice or by circumstance, my hope for you is that God will fill you with peace and love and grant you the deepest desires of your hearts. If this is a painful holiday for you, I wish I could reach out and hug you. I know I have three phone calls to make. I want to express my gratitude to my mom, step-mom, and mother-in-law for pouring what they have into me and my family.