I was at dinner with the Captivating women last night when my family walked in the restaurant with a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and a mylar balloon that said “Happy Mother’s Day Eve Eve” on it. Benny had added the “Eve, Eve” part. 🙂 I was really surprised and I loved it. It was totally unexpected. I have a wonderful family and I’m glad they appreciate me. It was a wonderful gift and you should have seen the three pairs of shining eyes and beaming grins directed at me as my kiddos presented me with my gifts. It was precious.
I know today is supposed to be a joyous occasion. I usually have visions of children bringing me breakfast in bed and stopping off for a cup of chai on my way to church. I imagine myself having a nice lazy lunch with my family followed by a relaxing afternoon of reading magazines and watching chick flicks. While that may not be far off from my plans for today, I’m not feeling very festive.
This Mother’s day is so different from the past eight Mother’s Days I’ve enjoyed. Losing our baby back in January has left me more emotional and painfully aware of all of the mothers in the world who are without their children. I’ve had two college friends miscarry since I did. One of them lost her twins this week. She had just created and posted a blog so friends and family could track their growth and progress. Then came the doctor’s appointment with no heartbeats. My heart is aching for her. Remember when I said I had hoped sharing my story would encourage others and let them know they are not alone? Guess who my friend turned to? So something good has come out of my loss and I believe that will continue to happen. On the flip side, one of my other friends just birthed a beautiful baby boy and I am so thrilled for her.
I still have so many unanswered questions. I feel something is missing from me. A friend of a friend, Loretta had a REALLY interesting blog post where she talked about the connection a mother and her unborn child have and how they exchange blood and stem cells and how the baby is physically a part of the mother long after she loses him/her or gives birth. I’ll be posting about that more this week.
Another friend who blogged about Mother’s Day reminded me how painful it was all of those years we didn’t have children. I had to sit through an entire church service that talked about the blessings of motherhood when I couldn’t seem to get pregnant no matter what I tried. It felt like a slap in the face and every May was a dreaded reminder of my seeming infertility. When I finally did get pregnant with Max, Benny presented me with my first Mother’s Day card…in January. 🙂 Love that man!
Mother’s Day is just not one of my favorite holidays. I’m thankful for it, but it’s bittersweet this year. Sorry to be such a downer. I hope all of you that are mothers are blessed by your children and families today. For all of you who are not yet mothers or may never be, either by choice or by circumstance, my hope for you is that God will fill you with peace and love and grant you the deepest desires of your hearts. If this is a painful holiday for you, I wish I could reach out and hug you. I know I have three phone calls to make. I want to express my gratitude to my mom, step-mom, and mother-in-law for pouring what they have into me and my family.
Happy Mother’s Day friends! And Happy Birthday to my Mother-in-law Margie! 🙂
* Willow Tree Figurines can be found at many nationwide bookstores and at www.demdaco.com
Sometimes I Write 
An update to this slightly depressing post: My friend who lost her twins this week may not have lost them afterall. Her HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels keep going up which is not consistent with someone who has miscarried. So there is more testing to be done. Please pray for my friend!
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Oh, I do pray there is still hope for your friends twins!
Praying and thinking about you as well. (((h)))
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I have had many a Mother’s Day feeling this way. There were so many Mother’s Days that were excrutiatingly painful before children finally came my way, and every year those feelings come back in reminder, even though I now have three blessings to hold in my arms. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I will be praying for your friend!
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I want to thank Wikinood for her love and support. I am at home, as I woke up this morning with a lower backache and lower abdominal cramps. I believe it’s safe to say, despite the rising hCG we got last week, the twins are on their way to heaven where they belong.
I share in Nik’s and other mom’s pain of losing children, and joy in having children as my girls are 14 and 7, and spitting images of me.
This is not easy for my husband and myself to lose the twins…..but it is, what it is. There is a reason….divine and unseen, and we have to respect it.
I’ll continue to pray for a miracle…but also to accept and grow from what I believe to be inevitable. Thank you, Nik, for your love and support.
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[…] It’s the single most shocking and horrifying moment of my life, and I blogged about it here and here. My heart aches for all of the other women who’ve experienced such tragedy. I know the pain of […]
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