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Mourning through Mother’s Day

Posted in Family, Growing Faith, Joy in the Journey, Learning to Cope, thinking things through, Uncategorized on May 11, 2008| 5 Comments »

I was at dinner with the Captivating women last night when my family walked in the restaurant with a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and a mylar balloon that said “Happy Mother’s Day Eve Eve” on it. Benny had added the “Eve, Eve” part. 🙂 I was really surprised and I loved it. It was totally unexpected. I have a wonderful family and I’m glad they appreciate me. It was a wonderful gift and you should have seen the three pairs of shining eyes and beaming grins directed at me as my kiddos presented me with my gifts. It was precious.

I know today is supposed to be a joyous occasion. I usually have visions of children bringing me breakfast in bed and stopping off for a cup of chai on my way to church. I imagine myself having a nice lazy lunch with my family followed by a relaxing afternoon of reading magazines and watching chick flicks. While that may not be far off from my plans for today, I’m not feeling very festive.

This Mother’s day is so different from the past eight Mother’s Days I’ve enjoyed. Losing our baby back in January has left me more emotional and painfully aware of all of the mothers in the world who are without their children. I’ve had two college friends miscarry since I did. One of them lost her twins this week. She had just created and posted a blog so friends and family could track their growth and progress. Then came the doctor’s appointment with no heartbeats. My heart is aching for her. Remember when I said I had hoped sharing my story would encourage others and let them know they are not alone? Guess who my friend turned to? So something good has come out of my loss and I believe that will continue to happen. On the flip side, one of my other friends just birthed a beautiful baby boy and I am so thrilled for her.

I still have so many unanswered questions. I feel something is missing from me. A friend of a friend, Loretta had a REALLY interesting blog post where she talked about the connection a mother and her unborn child have and how they exchange blood and stem cells and how the baby is physically a part of the mother long after she loses him/her or gives birth. I’ll be posting about that more this week.

Another friend who blogged about Mother’s Day reminded me how painful it was all of those years we didn’t have children. I had to sit through an entire church service that talked about the blessings of motherhood when I couldn’t seem to get pregnant no matter what I tried. It felt like a slap in the face and every May was a dreaded reminder of my seeming infertility. When I finally did get pregnant with Max, Benny presented me with my first Mother’s Day card…in January. 🙂 Love that man!

Mother’s Day is just not one of my favorite holidays. I’m thankful for it, but it’s bittersweet this year. Sorry to be such a downer. I hope all of you that are mothers are blessed by your children and families today. For all of you who are not yet mothers or may never be, either by choice or by circumstance, my hope for you is that God will fill you with peace and love and grant you the deepest desires of your hearts. If this is a painful holiday for you, I wish I could reach out and hug you. I know I have three phone calls to make. I want to express my gratitude to my mom, step-mom, and mother-in-law for pouring what they have into me and my family.

Happy Mother’s Day friends! And Happy Birthday to my Mother-in-law Margie! 🙂

* Willow Tree Figurines can be found at many nationwide bookstores and at www.demdaco.com

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Get A Grip!

Posted in Growing Faith, Joy in the Journey, Learning to Cope on December 16, 2004| 1 Comment »

We’ve been talking about faith for a few weeks in BSF. This week’s lesson included my theme verses for my life right now:
“So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.”

Hebrews 12:12-13 (NLT)
My life has been a series of challenges since I started this blog. There are days when I feel up to the challenge, and days when I want to scream, “Calgon! Take me away!” So, I shared those verses with my ladie’s bible class tonight. When I started the class a few months ago, I asked each lady to share a prayer request – something that they’d like to learn or take away from the class, or an area that they’d like to see growth in. Mine was to find calm and order in my life again. HA HA HA (Remember, I have 3 children ages 5 and under.)

Well, God answered my prayer, but not how I wanted or expected Him to. Is my life more calm than 3 months ago? Nope! Just the opposite. The only “order” to my life is the #3 at McDonald’s because I’m too tired to cook, and I can’t even get them to put vanilla in my coke. God knew that we’d be traveling alot, that my grandmother was going to die, that He was going to send us to Boulder, that we were dreading telling our teens that we’re leaving, that Zoe didn’t really want to potty train yet, Pete would be fussy while pushing 3 teeth through at once, and Max would tell me EVERYDAY that he’s too big for naps. (If I’m not – he’s not!)

How did God answer my prayer? He whispered in my ear, “My grace is sufficient for you”. He was there with me during everything mentioned, and He’s already there tomorrow, waiting for me… and my faith. He did not give me calm and order in my life…He gave me peace in my heart and reassurance through His word and through other people of faith. He didn’t give me what I asked for; He gave me what I really needed. That’s just like Him…So, I’ve got my new grip, and my feet are ready to go. I refuse to trudge when I can dance instead! Many thanks to all of my cheerleaders out there, and thanks to God for being one of them!!!

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Thoughts on Death…

Posted in Learning to Cope, thinking things through on December 1, 2004| 2 Comments »

“The true meaning of life is the sure knowledge of death; For without it,

man would not strive to leave his mark upon the earth”.

Author Unknown (atleast by me)

My grandmother died on Thanksgiving morning. She had just had emergency open heart surgery a few days before, and she never recovered. She has been suffering through “this and that” since the day she was born, so I should be thankful that her days of pain have ended. My friend Kyle died in a terrible car accident on October 9th. He was in his twenties. He left behind his bride of three years, my dear friend Angi. Her physical wounds are healing, her heart will take a lot longer. Mike Yaconelli, a spiritual giant in my eyes, and the first man I ever met that I thought could completely relate to my husband, passed away suddenly one year ago this month. My friend and neighbor Diana committed suicide 2 years ago last week. She left behind an uncaring biological family, and my family who loved her dearly. I would like to play the martyr and say it hit me the hardest because I was the one that found her. The truth is I think it hit my son the hardest because he is so young and doesn’t yet have the concept of death down. Sure, he knows that he won’t ever see these people again, but he doesn’t understand why, or where they are now. It’s not easy trying to explain these things to a small child. At the very core, death is simple. We are born into this world, and for most of us we have no warning what day will be our last one on earth, we just know that day is coming. I think our society fears death and people tend to do whatever they can to try to cheat it, or atleast hold it off as long as possible. We even take it one step further and fear aging too. I may have had fears about how I will die, but I do not fear death itself. Having a husband and three small children, I think about what they would do without me should Jesus call me home tomorrow, or even today. I have to trust that they would be loved and cared for. So I try to love and care for others when they experience loss and heartache.

Hebrews 2: 14-15 tells us that Jesus shared in our humanity, that he died to destroy the one who holds the power of death-satan- and here’s the best part…verse 15 says, ” and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.” So, I have been set free, and if you believe in Jesus, so have you…

So where is my struggle in all of this? Things left unsaid and undone. I hadn’t seen my grandmother in a couple of years. I wish I could have told Kyle one more time that I was proud of the man he had become. I never got to know Mike well enough to be able to say, ” Mike Yaconelli? He’s a good friend of ours”. And Diana, I know I did everything I could to be Jesus’s hands and feet in her life. I have mourned deeply wondering if it was enough. I inherited her journal, so I know some of her demons, and I know how much she loved us. I’ve read how she cried out to God, and I have to believe that He knew her state of mind better than anyone. I also know He knows our every tear. What an amazing God we serve! Death is certain, so is God’s love, and so I spend my days growing into the woman God made me to be, loving and encouraging along the way, and someday someone will say of me…”Boy did she ever leave her mark upon the earth!”