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Archive for the ‘Growing Faith’ Category

Gratituesday – College Friends

Posted in Gratituesday, Growing Faith, Joy in the Journey, Promoting Friends on April 8, 2008| 4 Comments »

My college friend Laura has begun a regular feature on her blog on Tuesdays. She posts things she’s grateful for then uses Mr. Linky to link up with other bloggers. I think her idea of encouraging an attitude of gratitude is a worthy one. I know a lot of my friends are a part of weekly posts on certain topics, like Marriage Mondays, Works for me Wednesdays, etc. I’ve never joined them because I don’t want to lose my freedom of posting whatever happens to be on my mind for the week. This is the first time I’ve read one that I felt I needed to be a part of. I see this as an opportunity to encourage and support Laura and to keep my mind on ways I am blessed. Being grateful for my life and God’s blessings should be a way of life, and sometimes I forget to acknowledge those things. A weekly reminder will be good for me. If you care to join us, visit Laura’s blog and link up.

It seems appropriate that my first gratituesday post should be about my college friends, since Laura is getting me started. In the early 90’s I went to a small Christian college in Nebraska. I had no idea how the people there would change me, shape my future, and challenge me to be a better person. It was through these people that I learned about love and loss, loyalty and humility, and how to deal with heartache in healthy and unhealthy ways. 😉 I made friends there that are still my comfort and strength today and have remained my close friends despite the years and the miles that have come between us.

Some of those people have not only watched me change and grow into who I am now, many of them were the catalyst of those changes and the “wind beneath my wings”. Blech I hate that song, but the analogy fits. The Doe Club, my friends from Student Association, my fellow drama and music lovers, and the others who shared dorm staff responsibilities are still some of my favorite people from college. I love my friends!

But I’m also really grateful for my enemies turned friends. I’m a better person than I was back then, and I’ve tried to make amends with people I hurt and forgive those who hurt me. A few have been happy to reconcile, while others have not. I can’t do much about that but pray that someday they will.

So today I am grateful for years-long college friendships and the reconciliation that can only come with the help of a loving God. He is so good!

Check out the blogs of some of my college friends:

Tawnya, Jennifer, Laura, Taj, Shalee, Deb, and Kevin.

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I loved August Rush

Posted in Growing Faith, Movies, Music on March 29, 2008| 18 Comments »

I LOVED this movie! Back in October I blogged about it and I never posted the follow up piece after my son Max and I went to see it together. We both loved it. I have to say it’s one of my top 5 movies of 2007. I liked the actors and the storyline, but I LOVED the music. Heather gave me the soundtrack for Christmas and it is still the most listened to CD at our house. The genius behind the guitar playing? An AMAZING woman! Here she is, Kaki King Playing with Pink Noise:

Why did I connect with this movie so much? All my life I’ve been getting into trouble for tapping my fingers, pencils, whatever on the desk, table, you name it. I don’t think Benny likes holding my hand because I can’t hold my fingers still for very long. I don’t think it’s OCD. 🙂 He has perfected “the look” to let me know my fidgeting is bugging him.  I practice piano scales, tap out random rhythms, and practice typing – o.k., that last one isn’t exactly musical unless you’re a writer. The clicking of the keyboard is musical in it’s own way. I hear music everywhere. When I saw the preview for this movie and saw how the boy was feeling the rhythm of the world around him, I could totally relate. Someone was finally able to show on film what I’d felt and been unable to express clearly. Music is my language. I was hooked.

The movie is a feel good story about holding out hope, pressing on against all odds, reaching for your dreams, and believing in love. My heart went out to Evan (later named August Rush) as he was targeted for bullying by some of the older boys at the Boy’s home he was living in. That really bothered my tenderhearted son as well. There were two scenes like this in the movie that Max was uncomfortable with, otherwise he really liked the movie. We were able to have some really good discussion regarding how people should be treated. Like me, my son lives musically. Within minutes of arriving home, he was strumming away on his guitar and putting on a mini concert for his siblings, copying some of the slap style playing from the movie. He’s a creative kid that moves through life adding music and color from his own bold palette. You’ll know what I mean in my next post. 🙂

If you have not seen this movie yet, go rent it this weekend. It suspends reality a bit, but it’s so sweet and I love the positive attitude this kid has. We could all use an attitude like that, right?

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Still Healing

Posted in Growing Faith, Joy in the Journey on March 14, 2008| 7 Comments »

Last weekend I attended an amazing conference. I’ve been struggling the past two months and I really needed some things I wasn’t finding very easily. Peace of mind. Spiritual breakthrough. A solid lesson reminding me WHO I AM and WHOSE I AM. I needed to hear that God delights in me. He’s not sitting around talking to Jesus and the Holy Spirit saying, “Well, there she goes again. She’s doubting AGAIN. How many times do I have to prove that I love her? Will she ever just rest in me? When is she going to learn that she doesn’t have to earn my love? That girl is thick-headed.” Nope. Instead he’s up there saying, “See that beautiful girl? She’s ours. She’s rising above even in the storms of life. She’s strong and she’s going to be just fine. I’m going to draw the joy out of her and show her how to shine. She’s my Beloved.” These were some of the words I came home with. Now that’s something to smile about. I’m hoping to share some of the lessons from the weekend in the coming weeks.

I’ve been fighting off sickness since the conference, but I’m going to be resting most of the weekend so I’ll be fine next week. We’re heading to Buena Vista for the first time since last July. We have some friends coming from Wichita and Alabama. It’s going to be a great week. 🙂

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OK Retreat Update

Posted in Growing Faith, Joy in the Journey on February 28, 2008| 4 Comments »

The weekend was great. I was so nervous and really it was for nothing. Was I perfect? No. Did I forget to say some things I was so sure were important? Yes. Did God use me anyway? You bet. I had the opportunity to share the messages he’s been giving me to share for the last month while I planned my talk. I loved on hurting teens and laughed with new friends and old. I looked into the eyes of a few of my favorite guys and told them, “You are God’s man and he loves you so very much. You are His beloved”. My heart swells just thinking about it. I learned a few things too. God spoke to me about possible ministry opportunities I’ll have in the future, but I’m saving that story for another day.

Every time I’m given the chance to live out the community example of the church in Acts 2, I cry. I feel so “one” with the friends God has placed in my life. This is strongest when we’re bound together by a common love and purpose, serving alongside each other, laughing, crying,and cheering one another on through the growing phases we all go through. It just makes my heart happy. So went the weekend seeing Trevor, Chris, and Allen. I was reminded of how much we are loved and how deeply we love our friends and their families.

We stretched some people way beyond their comfort zones, but my hope is that we planted some seeds that will grow into deep faith and belief in the power and love of the God we serve. I’m done putting restrictions on the Creator and letting others put their restrictions of belief on me. NOT that most of our friends try to do that, but a few do. I love them anyway. 🙂 I didn’t feel that happened this weekend, but I have to admit that it was a fear in the back of my mind. Silly me. I’m going to keep seeking God’s face and whatever He chooses to give me and show me regardless of who it stretches. It’s part of who I am. May I always pass along my experiences in love and without judgment.

There was one boy in particular that I spent some time with this weekend. He was hurting over a lost relationship with his father and he was feeling worthless and that he was a mistake. As we talked, a song we sing at our church came to mind, so I sang it for him.

Lord it was you who created the heavens.

Lord it was your hands that put the stars in their place.

Lord it is your voice that commands the morning.

Even oceans and their waves bow at your feet.

Lord, who am I compared to your glory?

Lord, who am I compared to your majesty?

I am your beloved, your creation, and you love me as I am.

You have called me chosen for your kingdom, unashamed to call me your own.

I am your beloved.

Lord it was you who came to save as a baby.

Lord it was your voice that raised the dead from the grave.

Lord it was your hands that took the nails in my place.

Even oceans and their waves bow at your feet.

Lord, who am I compared to your glory?

Lord, who am I compared to your majesty?

I am your beloved, your creation, and you love me as I am.

You have called me chosen for your kingdom, unashamed to call me your own.

I am your beloved. I am your beloved.

I am…and so are you. 🙂

Lord, I praise you and thank you from this place of joy and fullness.  You are amazing the way you orchestrate the revealing of your wisdom and power.  I thank you for loving so completely and pouring your grace on your children.  Father, I thank you for making me a seed planter and I ask that you water and grow those seeds into the beautiful gifts and purposes you have planned in each of the people you’ve given us to share our lives with.  Sprinkle them with courage, strength, healing, beauty, and knowledge of the truth.  Make the seeds of faith, compassion, love, and mercy blossom bigger than I can even imagine Lord. Keep growing us and using us as you see fit.  I love you Lord.  Thank you for calling me your beloved.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

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In the valley of the shadow of death…

Posted in Big Announcements, Family, Growing Faith, Prayer Requests, thinking things through, Uncategorized on February 9, 2008| 15 Comments »

My Journey has led me to the grandest of mountain peaks where the sun glinting off the snowcaps was blindingly beautiful and my heart soared with eagle’s wings of joy. It has also led me through the driest and darkest of valleys where I felt like I would die of thirst if nourishment didn’t somehow get past my crusty and cracked lips. Such is life…and I don’t view it as something to be endured as much as something to be experienced while being fully present through the pain and the joy. I walk with God – or more like He walks with me. He chose me first and when I chose Him back, He promised He’d never leave me. In the past few weeks, I’ve clung to that promise.

I debated for a long time whether or not I would post about my sorrows. I’ve been skimming along the surface for awhile now, avoiding some tough things I’m supposed to discuss here. Blogging what I’m about to share is me taking the deepest breath I can and diving for the depths – partly out of obedience and mostly hoping and praying it will help someone else. If you’re coming along with me, breathe deep friend. I’m not coming back up for air until next week sometime.

I miscarried.

Those two words sent me into a state of shock and I’m still recovering. I think I will be for a long time. Without sharing all the details here, let me share with you why I was/am so shocked. I had a tubal ligation done 4 years ago when Petey was born. That decision was based on discussions with doctors about scar tissue I have from 3 previous c-sections. My babies don’t come out the other way. I felt strongly like I shouldn’t have a 4th c-section. We have always planned on adopting someday, so I was o.k. with not having any more babies.

Three weeks ago I miscarried. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until it happened. I think I was about 10 weeks along. It didn’t require any medical procedures. Though oxygen when I figured out what was happening would have been nice. Shock doesn’t even begin to cover it.

What does this mean? Questions flooded my mind like a geyser had erupted somewhere inside me and shot them straight through my brain stem. Was the tubal a mistake? Did it not work on one side or both? Did it work but my body healed itself during the recovery process after delivery? How did this happen? I know there are no guarantees but this method is one of the most fool-proof forms of sterilization? How could I beat the odds? I’m a statistic! Is God trying to tell me something? Am I supposed to have more children? We talked through that decision for a long time – were we wrong? Is sterilization wrong? Does God care about such things? Am I in danger of this happening again? Do we need to start using birth control again? Do I have another surgery if needed? Should I have exploratory procedures done to show me what happened? Wouldn’t it be nice to have health insurance right now? How do I feel about the possibility of having more children? How does Benny feel about it? What’s my fear here? Do I just wait and see what happens next? Do I tell people and ask for prayer? Who should I share this with? Why do we always think things like this happen to other people and never to us? Do we tell our kids? (We decided they are too young to understand.) How common is this?

The first week I spent in shock and asking questions. I was trying hard to wrap my brain around it. I was pregnant? Really? Then I taught at FACE and a girl in one of my classes wore a small pro-life pin on her shirt. It was baby feet at 10 weeks gestation. I saw that pin and felt like someone simultaneously slapped my face and punched me in the stomach. I faked my way through the rest of the morning, and came home to fall apart. The emotion I felt guilty for not having the week before came on hard and fast in tidal wave fashion. And here I sit two weeks later still processing and crying at the oddest times. I’m sure my hormones are still not back to normal, but I’m a crier anyway. Most of the time, I can talk about it without crying. Today has been hard though.

Yesterday I received an email from a college friend whom I’d not yet told about what I’d been going through. She was distraught because she miscarried this week. She had just found out last week that she was pregnant (5 weeks) and she was deliriously happy. This week she is depressed and healing and reaching out for support. I love this woman and I want to encourage her but I’m struggling with the how of it all. We all deal with loss in different ways. She knew about the baby before it was gone. I didn’t know about mine. It took me a week just to acknowledge that it was a BABY. Then came another shock. I had sent out an email to several friends telling them what I’m going through so they could pray for me as I process and grieve, and MORE THAN HALF of the women who emailed me back had miscarried and I didn’t even know. A few of the men had experienced the loss from a husband’s point of view. I hadn’t given much thought about it being a subject that isn’t discussed. I had no idea how common it was – even among my friends.

WHY??? Why didn’t I know? Why isn’t this shared? Why do people suffer alone and not surround themselves with a supportive community to help them cope? Am I strange to be so open in talking frankly about it? Is that just MY way of coping? I would have taken every opportunity to encourage and love on a friend going through something like this even when I didn’t have the first clue what it felt like to suffer this loss. I felt alone and didn’t know who to call when I was freaking out…I didn’t know. I did call a local friend who gets me and lets me be blunt, and she was fabulous! She had experienced miscarriage herself and she was of great comfort to me. Maybe I’ll get to be that person for someone else someday. Maybe it will be sooner than I think. I want to minister from in my pain. And that is where I am…in pain. Physically I’m fine. Mentally I’m still processing.

I have more to say, but it will have to wait until next time. I’m spent. I would appreciate your continued prayers that God’s will be done in my life and that I rely on His strength to get me through my valley of the shadow of death. Pray for my friend as well. If you’ve already prayed and/or sent me an email, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I’ve always said I’m richly blessed when it comes to friends.

A few facts I found on the web:

25-50 % of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Many women miscarry and don’t even know it – they think it’s a heavier than normal period.

Approximately 143 in 10,000 women get pregnant after having a tubal ligation. Most of them miscarry within the first trimester. The odds go up slightly 10 years after a tubal, but this is still one of the most effective (human error free) methods of sterilization.

A website I found helpful: www.pregnancyloss.info

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