My Journey has led me to the grandest of mountain peaks where the sun glinting off the snowcaps was blindingly beautiful and my heart soared with eagle’s wings of joy. It has also led me through the driest and darkest of valleys where I felt like I would die of thirst if nourishment didn’t somehow get past my crusty and cracked lips. Such is life…and I don’t view it as something to be endured as much as something to be experienced while being fully present through the pain and the joy. I walk with God – or more like He walks with me. He chose me first and when I chose Him back, He promised He’d never leave me. In the past few weeks, I’ve clung to that promise.
I debated for a long time whether or not I would post about my sorrows. I’ve been skimming along the surface for awhile now, avoiding some tough things I’m supposed to discuss here. Blogging what I’m about to share is me taking the deepest breath I can and diving for the depths – partly out of obedience and mostly hoping and praying it will help someone else. If you’re coming along with me, breathe deep friend. I’m not coming back up for air until next week sometime.
I miscarried.
Those two words sent me into a state of shock and I’m still recovering. I think I will be for a long time. Without sharing all the details here, let me share with you why I was/am so shocked. I had a tubal ligation done 4 years ago when Petey was born. That decision was based on discussions with doctors about scar tissue I have from 3 previous c-sections. My babies don’t come out the other way. I felt strongly like I shouldn’t have a 4th c-section. We have always planned on adopting someday, so I was o.k. with not having any more babies.
Three weeks ago I miscarried. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until it happened. I think I was about 10 weeks along. It didn’t require any medical procedures. Though oxygen when I figured out what was happening would have been nice. Shock doesn’t even begin to cover it.
What does this mean? Questions flooded my mind like a geyser had erupted somewhere inside me and shot them straight through my brain stem. Was the tubal a mistake? Did it not work on one side or both? Did it work but my body healed itself during the recovery process after delivery? How did this happen? I know there are no guarantees but this method is one of the most fool-proof forms of sterilization? How could I beat the odds? I’m a statistic! Is God trying to tell me something? Am I supposed to have more children? We talked through that decision for a long time – were we wrong? Is sterilization wrong? Does God care about such things? Am I in danger of this happening again? Do we need to start using birth control again? Do I have another surgery if needed? Should I have exploratory procedures done to show me what happened? Wouldn’t it be nice to have health insurance right now? How do I feel about the possibility of having more children? How does Benny feel about it? What’s my fear here? Do I just wait and see what happens next? Do I tell people and ask for prayer? Who should I share this with? Why do we always think things like this happen to other people and never to us? Do we tell our kids? (We decided they are too young to understand.) How common is this?
The first week I spent in shock and asking questions. I was trying hard to wrap my brain around it. I was pregnant? Really? Then I taught at FACE and a girl in one of my classes wore a small pro-life pin on her shirt. It was baby feet at 10 weeks gestation. I saw that pin and felt like someone simultaneously slapped my face and punched me in the stomach. I faked my way through the rest of the morning, and came home to fall apart. The emotion I felt guilty for not having the week before came on hard and fast in tidal wave fashion. And here I sit two weeks later still processing and crying at the oddest times. I’m sure my hormones are still not back to normal, but I’m a crier anyway. Most of the time, I can talk about it without crying. Today has been hard though.
Yesterday I received an email from a college friend whom I’d not yet told about what I’d been going through. She was distraught because she miscarried this week. She had just found out last week that she was pregnant (5 weeks) and she was deliriously happy. This week she is depressed and healing and reaching out for support. I love this woman and I want to encourage her but I’m struggling with the how of it all. We all deal with loss in different ways. She knew about the baby before it was gone. I didn’t know about mine. It took me a week just to acknowledge that it was a BABY. Then came another shock. I had sent out an email to several friends telling them what I’m going through so they could pray for me as I process and grieve, and MORE THAN HALF of the women who emailed me back had miscarried and I didn’t even know. A few of the men had experienced the loss from a husband’s point of view. I hadn’t given much thought about it being a subject that isn’t discussed. I had no idea how common it was – even among my friends.
WHY??? Why didn’t I know? Why isn’t this shared? Why do people suffer alone and not surround themselves with a supportive community to help them cope? Am I strange to be so open in talking frankly about it? Is that just MY way of coping? I would have taken every opportunity to encourage and love on a friend going through something like this even when I didn’t have the first clue what it felt like to suffer this loss. I felt alone and didn’t know who to call when I was freaking out…I didn’t know. I did call a local friend who gets me and lets me be blunt, and she was fabulous! She had experienced miscarriage herself and she was of great comfort to me. Maybe I’ll get to be that person for someone else someday. Maybe it will be sooner than I think. I want to minister from in my pain. And that is where I am…in pain. Physically I’m fine. Mentally I’m still processing.
I have more to say, but it will have to wait until next time. I’m spent. I would appreciate your continued prayers that God’s will be done in my life and that I rely on His strength to get me through my valley of the shadow of death. Pray for my friend as well. If you’ve already prayed and/or sent me an email, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I’ve always said I’m richly blessed when it comes to friends.
A few facts I found on the web:
25-50 % of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Many women miscarry and don’t even know it – they think it’s a heavier than normal period.
Approximately 143 in 10,000 women get pregnant after having a tubal ligation. Most of them miscarry within the first trimester. The odds go up slightly 10 years after a tubal, but this is still one of the most effective (human error free) methods of sterilization.
A website I found helpful: www.pregnancyloss.info
For some reason a miscarriage is intensely personal. I can’t explain why. It easier to pretend it didn’t happen. But then the healing takes a long time to come about. It took me over ten years to talk about my miscarriages. I think women somehow fee its their fault.
I’ll be praying for you as you tackle this difficult topic. I’m proud of you for speaking about it now. It shows that you are willing to walk through the darkness to get to the other side. It will also help so many women just to talk about it.
Come here and give me a big hug! ((((((h)))))) You are not alone. God is with you and we women who have suffered this loss are also with you.
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I will be thinking of you, and praying for you, and wanted to let you know that no, you are not alone, and yes, there are a lot of us who do understand. Or at least, we share in a similar tragedy. My husband and I lost a baby at about 8 weeks, before we had our two little ones. We had known for only a week or two, and there really aren’t adequate words to say just how devastated we felt. The road of healing from our loss took time. Take as much time as you need. If you find yourself still needing to talk about your baby, and those you talk with grow weary of listening, feel free to drop me an email. Miscarrying so early in pregnancy leaves us with nothing physical to preserve- no ashes, no footprints, no pictures, no grave. It can be very difficult to mourn. I spent many hours sitting in the children’s memorial section of a local cemetery, putting flowers on undecorated graves, and just praying and crying. I mention this, because I felt so… frozen? And a very dear friend of mine who had lost 3 babies told me about the cemetery and how it had been helpful for both her and her husband to spend time there.
lots of hugs,
Deb
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I’m so sorry for your loss and the rough time you’ve had lately. I will pray for you right now.
Thank you for sharing with us. It is a hard thing to do. And it sounds like your story has already touched many families who have gone through the same thing.
We also miscarried last year. I was only 4 weeks and 2 days along when it happened, but we had already known for 3 days. We’d been trying for over a year, so I KNEW when I got pregnant. But, if we hadn’t been trying, I’m sure I wouldn’t have ever realized I was pregnant, yet alone miscarried. That baby would have been due this month.
We were very blessed and were able to get pregnant only 2 months later, and it’s progressing perfectly. It might sound weird, but I think I’ve been a lot calmer this pregnancy than the 3 days I knew about the first one. I say it’s weird because after losing one, I expected to be more freaked out. But, I think that I realized, again, that God is in control, and that He won’t give us more than we can handle. There have still been scary times these last several months where I worry that something could or did happen to the baby, but those are the times I remember, again, to rely on Him.
It doesn’t matter how far along you are when you lose a baby, it’s devestating, and I pray that you will heal quickly from this and that it will draw you and Benny closer to each other and closer to God, and closer to some friends as well.
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My dear friend:
It was such a blessing to chat with you recently.
You now know that we lost a baby at 6 months. It was a terrible ordeal. And, it seems like a lifetime ago. And, we were so young and on the mission field. And yet… now… I still weep a little when I think of the day I stood in the shower (my quiet place) and cried – no – howled over my swollen belly knowing I’d soon lose this little life inside me. And that there was nothing I could do about it.
Miscarriage is such a difficult and different experience for every family that experiences it. There should be no guilt for feeling this way or that. Everyone deals with it as uniquely as everyone deals differently with the rain.
But this I know… people will say the dumbest things with the sincerest of hearts. I pray that I am not one of them. It was one of the hardest things to go through… loving your friends/family while grieving such a personal loss.
You know we love you. I’ve been praying for you and Benny. Praying for you even more now as I know you’ll be recieving feedback. And, I’ll pray that your reaching out – your brave ministry – blesses the many mothers and fathers in your realm of influence.
You are a good woman.
Blessed to call you sister,
-Jennifer-
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Niki, I am so sorry for this intense loss. I grieve with you, and will absolutely pray for you and your family. This pain may never go away, but it will ease with time because you have God. You are already using your loss and ministering to others, while still healing yourself. God is using you because He loves you. We’ll never understand why. I heard recently at a funeral, why spelled backwards is yhw—Your Holy Will. I’m so sorry. I’m one of those people who means well, but usually says the stupid thing. Know that I’m praying.
Love,
Jen
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Niki~
Though I’ve not contacted you I have been praying since you sent your email. I grieve with you as well, especially since we lost our first child the same way. I didn’t realize it until much later, but I remember the pain, the confusion, and the grief that followed the realization of what had happened to my body and to that child. I pray that God will use your openness and vulnerability with this loss in your life to aid in the grieving process for an untold number of women out there with no place else to go.
May God touch those who read your words and let them know it is ok to grieve and more importantly, ok to reach out and get help when and where they need it.
Love to you and your precious family. Praying even now and sending you a hug.
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Niki: You know I’ve been praying for you! I can only imagine what you’re going through, but I can definitely relate to questioning the timing and purpose of God’s plans. Hope we can chat soon. I’ll try you on my way home from work tomorrow.
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I want to let you know that I truely understand the situation you have just gone through for this happened to me not once but twice. THe first time it was no big deal because it was several years after the fact that I learned what happened. ( The flow was just like my normal one pain and all.) THe second time I knew from the beginning that I was pregnant and that child was to be so special to me. Sadly, it was not in God’s plan. THere is no words of comfort that can be expressed that will be the comfort you need. So I will say that I will be praying for you and know that God is there for you.
I love you, friend. liz
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I posted a picture today, thinking of you as I did it. Come by and see it! I know that this has been tough, and I know you are tougher. God has plans, and the valleys and hills are there for our experience. We would be bored with flatlands.
I can only see this from the outside. I don’t know how to help, beyond doing the good that Job’s friends did at first: sit quietly with you. I am here, to sit with you and say nothing, save prayers for your emotional healing. Emails, phone calls, letters, care packages… whatever you need, I can do. You need but ask.
Love you, sister.
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you know you can talk about this as long as you need to. love you!
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Just stopping by to say “hi” and give you a big hug. (((((h)))))
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I appreciate all of the lovely comments here. I am thankful for my wonderful friends. I am still dealing with a lot of emotions and appreciate your patience and your hugs. Thanks again. I’ll be back with a new post before the weekend ends. 🙂
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You and your dear family are in my prayers. -bill
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Niki,
Oh sister I’m so heartbroken to hear of your loss. And Benny’s. I can’t even begin to imagine the emotions, the shock, the questions, the pain. Please know that I will be lifting you and your family up to our Heavenly Father. Only He knows why, what’s in His plan, and what’s to come. No matter what we walk through or how painful the road gets sometimes, He’s faithful, and He’s walking it with you. Love you.
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[…] in 2008. It’s the single most shocking and horrifying moment of my life, and I blogged about it here and here. My heart aches for all of the other women who’ve experienced such tragedy. I know the […]
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