My Zoe is the sweetest girl. In the 8 years she’s been brightening up this planet, she has taught me nearly as much as I aim to teach her. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that parenting a little girl would be this big of a learning experience for a momma. Guiding such a beautiful creature through the minefield of childhood has forced me to swiftly unpack and de-clutter my baggage so that I don’t pass it on to her. It’s not hers to carry, and just having her around like a mini-me mirror has made me painfully (and joyfully) aware that I don’t have to continue carrying it either.
Before I ever saw girl parts on an ultrasound, I knew that’s what we were having, and I was terrified. Paralyzing questions plagued my dreams and my fierce, mama bear heart grew stronger with each stretch of my belly. How would I protect her? How would I teach her to protect herself? I know these words are telling as much as I know that it is difficult to be the daughter of a survivor and I want more for her than that legacy. As is the pattern of my life, when I was sure I’d be overwhelmed, God stepped in and calmed my fears with two simple, difficult, beautiful words, “Trust Me.”
I was reminded that the very first mother had no mother of her own to call for advice. It was just her and God. She had no other option but to trust Him. Choice sometimes makes things harder, don’t you think? If Eve could do it without the support that I have from the incredible women in my life, then I can certainly do it. Have you ever trusted God out of sheer determination to do so? Or are you giggling at my silliness? 😉
How do I parent my pink-loving spitfire of a child? Very purposefully.
Like all children, she knows how to stall at bed time, and her favorite excuse goes something like this: “Can we have Mommy/Zoe time tonight?” (Cue the dimples and the sparkling chocolate-brown eyes) And when the answer is yes, we lie on her bed and star gaze as we chat about her tragedies and triumphs, and dream about the future. I answer her questions in honest, age appropriate language, and ask her some of my own. It’s in this place of comfort that we giggle and listen to Beethoven at Bedtime, talk about her first crush – JB, how annoying her brothers are, her crazy unique fashion sense, and whether or not I think she’s pretty. Yes, she’s already asking that one a lot. This time is precious to us both, but she needs her sleep, so we either need to find a better Mommy/Zoe time of the day, or she needs to go to bed earlier. It’s imperative I work that out because my window of opportunity is shrinking. Want proof?
Try this eye-opening exercise:
Take out a sheet of paper and turn it horizontally. Draw a straight line across the paper. At the beginning of the line, make a mark indicating the day you were born. Now keep making marks across the line to represent every five years of your life until you reach 100. Next, mark off the years you spent in school (K-12, college if you attended, etc.), your wedding date if you’re married, and any other major life events you’ve experienced so far. Mark off the year you plan to retire. Here’s where it gets interesting. Make a mark on your time line to represent when your child was born, then tick off 18 years – assuming he/she moves out of your home at that age. If you have multiple children, put them on your time line too. Now put down your pencil. What do you see?
When someone taught me this exercise several years ago, it helped me put the “toddler and 2 babies in diapers” phase of my life in perspective. I needed this visual to convince me that the day would come when everyone in my house would be wiping themselves, they would grow up and eventually move out on their own, it had not taken up my entire life, and though I was a mom, I was so much more than that. There is life before and after kids.
I am grateful for this parenting time-line exercise and now and then I repeat it. But now it’s to remind me that my window is a small one and I want to savor these Mommy/Zoe moments while I can because one of these days I’m going to blink and she’ll be having those moments with her own child.
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