You’ve probably seen the headlines this week about Leelah Alcorn. The suicide note posted on Tumblr went viral in a matter of hours after **his/her death. It was shocking to watch social media blow up with this story and even more so to read the malicious, hateful comments about the grieving family left behind. Compelling as it is to call for better discussions about transgender issues, the media and most of the people commenting have taken away the liberty of Leelah’s family based solely on a letter written by a teen suffering from depression, and they’ve done so without having all the facts.
I get it. I’ve been there.
In 1999, I watched in horror as the news reported the shooting at Columbine High School. I knew a student there and practically shook with relief when we heard she was safe. It didn’t take long for the community and the media (and me) to cast stones at the shooter’s parents. What kind of parent would let their child have access to weapons? What kind of parent didn’t understand how sick their child was and get them help? What kind of parent would allow their child be bullied to the point where they decided to plan a massacre? Was there abuse in the home? Or neglect? Surely the parents held some (or most) of the blame. I watched as reporters swarmed their neighborhoods, trying to get a glimpse of the families or a few words from neighbors. There was a complete disregard for their privacy, and somewhere in my head, I justified it. We, the public, had a right to know, didn’t we?
I confess, as I grappled with that tragedy, I judged the parents pretty harshly. I judged the school for not stopping the bullying, and the students for being the bullies. Then I judged Eric and Dylan for being hateful people. I couldn’t see past my anger and fear. I was pregnant with my first child at the time and wept at the thought of bringing him into a world where kids are gunned down in school. I felt bad for Eric and Dylan’s families, but I didn’t understand what they were going through. Was there some part of me that thought they deserved the bad press and condemnation? Such ugly thoughts went through my head when I was desperate for answers. Have you been there too?
You know who I didn’t judge? The media. They terrified parents when they grossly over-reported the casualties based on incomplete information. They interviewed traumatized students who hadn’t reconnected with their parents yet. There was a lot of false and biased reporting going on, but that’s not what sticks out in my mind all these years later. They were just trying to do their jobs, right? I so easily forgave that, but held on to my judgments of everyone else. I am glad I know better now.
Last summer, a friend of ours went to prison. We watched as the media reported false information about him, including the basic details of the charges. Then a reporter and cameraman from Channel 7 decided they had the right to stand on our friend’s porch and put the camera right up to the window to shoot footage inside their home. They stopped neighbors and questioned them about our friend’s children – their names and ages, if they seemed distraught. When they got a glimpse of the girls, they tried to question them about their dad. Picture that with me, reporters aggressively pursuing children at their own home. Shame on them!
We are being marketed to. Bad news sells, and we buy it. We watch and listen to it on TV and read it in the newspaper or on social media, and we make our snap judgments based on data that may or may not be true. Shouldn’t we expect reliable details over sensationalism from our media? And what about the shocking lack of accountability? When they do get the facts wrong, we don’t hear the corrected version or apologies for rushing to be the first to report a story instead of verifying what they’re reporting is actually true. They cover their butts by using phrases like “alleged” and “reportedly”. Retractions, when they do exist, get buried. They’re never headline worthy. In the meantime, lives are changed or destroyed and reputations ruined over shoddy reporting. Even if the truth is later revealed, by then it’s too late. The damage has been done.
Responsible reporting is a tough job. The story has to pique the interest of the people and it needs to be done quickly so it’s not scooped by someone else. Perhaps a little more time is all a reporter needs so they can check their facts before going public. It’s the media’s job to make us feel the news they’re reporting. If they can hook us emotionally, we’ll keep coming back for more.
Hear me! Tragedy or conviction of an individual does NOT remove the rights of their family. They still have a right to privacy, and to choose how or if they interact with the media. Oftentimes lawyers and law enforcement request that families refrain from speaking to the media at all, especially when there is an ongoing investigation. The typical response is to punish the family for their silence, using phrases like “refused to talk to us.” Families are treated as if their lack of interaction is a sign of having something to hide.
A friend of mine said we tend to process the news by either consuming it or condemning it. My guess is you and I have chosen both of those routes depending on what’s being reported and whether or not we agree. We are all guilty of assuming that a quick snapshot of a situation gives us the full picture. We assume, and from our vantage point, we’re sure we’re right even without knowing the whole story.
Words have tremendous power. With just a few clicks of a mouse and some carelessly chosen wording, we (the people on the internet) become judge and jury, and we’re bold about it because we’re holding court from behind a computer screen. We don’t have to see the pain in people’s eyes, or hear the sobs that wrack their bodies. We don’t have to form responses for questioning children who don’t understand the cruelty in the world. We proudly boast of freedom of speech until someone opposes our opinion and we don’t want to afford them the same freedom.
We don’t always consider the consequences of wielding our weapons of words. I don’t believe our hearts are evil, we just don’t always think before we speak or type. Notice WE is my chosen pronoun. I am guilty, but I want to do better. I want to BE better. Because of what I’ve experienced through my reaction to the Columbine tragedy, my friend’s conviction and now Leelah’s story, I’m choosing to step into a deeper level of maturity. I’m going to work on my discernment and how I respond to such things.
You see, Josh/Leelah is my family. His/her mom is my cousin. Carla is a good woman who loves all of her children. She is well-liked in her community, yet she’s being called a monster who rejected her son. One media source reported “years of abuse” based on the suicide note. It’s an unfounded claim, but no one seems to care. Because she’s a Christian and wouldn’t allow her child to undergo a sex change at the age of 16, she’s been labeled a homophobic, strict, hateful mother. There’s a bigger picture than the snapshot blowing up news feeds.
We, the public, have done it again – swallowed everything fed to us even though the investigation is ongoing and we have no idea what will come out of it in the end. Because Josh/Leelah struggled with her/his gender identity, there are many who are viewing this as if it were a hate crime perpetuated by the parents. THAT is what has gained global media attention. Josh/Leelah’s suicide does not give the media license to harass the family and report false and incomplete information. We need to expect more from them, and from each other.
After Josh/Leelah’s death, someone created a Leelah Alcorn Facebook profile, hacked Carla’s Facebook account and sent friend requests and messages to her entire friends list, and began posting hateful messages to her from her dead child. Carla is bearing the brunt of the blame for Josh/Leelah’s suicide as if it were her choice to lose her beloved child in this horrific manner. Merciless internet trolls posted her phone number on the web and encouraged people to harass them and make them pay for “killing their child.”
What we’re not seeing in the media are the reports of them having to call the police because of people peeking in windows, or news of all the hate mail they’re receiving, or anything about the group who plans to picket at the funeral. The LGBTQ community is leading the way in this “fight for justice” yet all we’re seeing is hateful vitriol. Isn’t there a better way to further the cause than to treat a grieving family with such callousness? Doesn’t the hate speech and encouragement of violent behavior coming from them contradict their mission? How is it any different than those who use the same tactics against them?
There’s a petition circulating to try to force Carla and Doug to use the name Leelah on the headstone instead of Joshua Ryan Alcorn, his birth name. As if that’s a decision that should be made by anyone other than the parents, especially the parents of a minor. That is not up for public debate or decision. Why on earth would we think it should be? None of us would want others to cross that line into our personal business like that.
A few of my friends posted the Leelah articles on their Facebook pages out of concern for the way transgender conversations are handled in the Christian community. I have no problem with that. I too am concerned and saddened by the lack of love shown in a lot of these situations. I have many friends who identify themselves as LGBTQ. I have always done my best to love everyone regardless of their gender identity or belief system, and I don’t withhold my love and affection based on a set of religious beliefs. In fact, my set of beliefs is the larger context for how I love others and there is no room for anyone to be left out of that. I prove that over and over, publicly and privately. There are lots of Christians out there who feel the same way I do but we are often labeled and rejected before given the chance to show it. I welcome respectful discussion on this and any other topic, but I’d like to get back to the point of my post.
I want to encourage you to have discernment when you read or watch the news, and to firmly grasp your humanity as you remember the humanity of others.
Please think before you speak or type.
I didn’t know Eric and Dylan’s families, but the Columbine tragedy and my reaction to it shaped me. I am sorry I jumped to harsh, unfair conclusions based on what I heard and read. I saw them as one-dimensional people as presented by the media and didn’t let their grief touch me.
My friend who is in prison? I miss him terribly. I love his wife and daughters and I am investing in their family, loving them through a tough time and speaking out on their behalf because they can’t. The media trashed them when they did nothing to deserve it. They were collateral damage. There have been no corrections or apologies and they don’t expect them. The media kicked them while they were already down.
PLEASE don’t do the same to my cousin and her family. They’re deeply grieving the loss of their child and being judged and crucified by people who know nothing about them. People who feel justified in their cruelty and want to make them pay. There are three other children missing their brother today. I wish I could protect them from the ugliness of those who don’t feel these kids are off-limits. Imagine yourself in their shoes and the terrible grief they’re experiencing. Let your heart ache for their loss, and don’t believe everything you read on the internet. Josh/Leelah left behind a gaping hole in our family. There was no hatred for him/her. He/she was and is deeply loved.
The media is selling you a snapshot before the larger picture has been developed.
Don’t buy it.
**I chose to use both gender pronouns to honor Josh/Leelah AND his/her parents. There is no malicious intent behind my decision though it will undoubtedly upset some of you.
Hi! Leelah Alcorn identified as a trans woman named Leelah, and therefore she should be referred to as Leelah and as a woman. I think that using the proper pronouns and names for transgender people os a huge step to accepting them. 🙂
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I agree with you. However, I am also trying to respect Carla. Which of them deserves more respect and acceptance? THAT is why I chose to use both pronouns.
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Okay. Well thanks for showing people another point of view! 🙂
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Thank you for your comment. I realize I’m walking a fine line with not choosing one or the other name or pronoun. It’s challenging to know how to honor everyone in situations like this.
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Yes it is. But as a very opinionated person, I am sure of what I want to call her. It’s good, again, that I read your article because that was the first time I’ve seen that point of view.
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Niki,
I am glad that Leelah’s family has you to write this very compassionate and persuasive blog. I have shared it on my facebook, and added my own thoughts. My sorrow and condolences to you and your family at the loss of your loved one. I hope that the media will back away and give the Alcorn family time to grieve their child and process their own feelings over this very complicated situation. I also hope that people who truly care about transgender rights will begin to engage in a national and internet conversation over how we can best achieve Leelah’s admonition to “fix society,” and shift their focus away from villifying her family. Hugs and Love, Suzette
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Thank you, Suzette. I hope for the same. 🙂
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one of the reasons I value our friendship is that you make me think. You continually have challenged me throughout our friendship. This article is no different. I am in the process of reading Farewell To Mars by Brian Zahnd. In chapter 3, Zahnd writes of our human need for a scapegoat in times of uncertainty. I found a connection to that idea in your discussion of our relationship with media. Pastor Zahnd writes that as followers of Christ we should avoid the rush to judge and direct cause and fault. Instead we should seek justice for all involved and react with love to battle the fear. I think you have done that with your article. Prayers for you as you minister through this time. I love you dear one.
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Thank you, Johnny. I love our friendship and the many, many discussions we’ve had about loving people and fighting for them. Thanks for your prayers!
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My heart goes out to you and your family at the death of your precious loved one. I’m so sorry, and keep you all in my prayers. I totally agree with what you wrote. Lots of love and big hugs to you all.
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Thank you, Kim. 🙂
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Niki, I totally agree with you ! This post has had me in tears more than once. You are such a beautiful, thoughful and honest writer.
As you know, I too am related to this family and while there is a lot of sadness in my heart for what Joshua must have felt and been going through, HE made the choice to take his own life.
Many people out there are suffering hardships and illnesses, dying of cancer, aids, disease, etc….. yet most of them remain here and face their pain and suffering head on.
Joshua had less than a year to wait and he could have made his own decisions throughout the Rest of his life. He Chose the selfish way out, thinking only of himself and NOT of what he was going to put his sisters and brother through the REST of their lives, let alone his Parents.
Carla and Doug have always loved their children Unconditionally. Just because they made the decision they did, ( not to allow Josh to have the sex change)does not mean they Murdered their son. They made the Right decision. After all, he was only 16 at the time and Carla and Doug were his parents, Not the rest of us. They DID try to get him the help he needed, that alone should tell the public how hard they were trying to help and how much they loved Josh.
I read a post on another sight where someone said this may have been a ploy on Josh`s part, to retaliate against his parents for not allowing Josh to do things his way, against God`s will. That makes sense to me knowing this family as I do. Why he would have this kind of hate for his parents, we will never know, other than what Josh has shared in his notes and those notes were Joshes feelings and opinions, not that of others who know this family. He was Never abused!! DICIPLINED YES, but not abused. His parents didn’t call him names,
make fun of him or shun him because of what he believed in. They didn’t lock him in his room or make him go without food, water, shelter, etc…. What they DID do is, sit down and talk with Josh to try to help him figure all this out and try their best to make sense of the situation as best they knew how. They loved him dearly!!! Why is it that society don`t mention the Good these parents have done.
So many people only focus on the bad. While you are out there pointing the finger at everyone else, remember, there are THREE fingers pointing back at you.
Josh isn`t facing the consequences of his actions, (yet) His family is. He wasn`t thinking of his brother and sisters when he made this choice, yet he said he loved them all dearly. He wasn`t thinking of his best friend Abby and how this would devastate her, he was thinking of HIS pain. While I might sound harsh, facts are facts and the main fact of this matter is, Josh made the final decision.
Well, he is now free, But his family and loved ones aren’t and Never will be as long as they live. They`re still here and are the ones that have to suffer the rest of their lives for this and yet the public, with their own selfish reasons, want to cause even more pain and heartache against this family.
Where were the friends that KNEW Josh had all this planned? Did any of them report it to the parents? or the Police? Could it have possibly been prevented if they had? The parents couldn`t prevent it because they had no clue as to his plans, but others did. Just saying.
What is wrong with our people today? Where`s the love ??? The Love that we ALL need and
yearn for?
The Bible says in John 8:7 Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.
We shouldn`t be condemning anyone unless we can honestly say we are without sin ourselves.
Jesus could walk on water, WE can`t, so please people, Stop trying.
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I do not know the family. I feel so much sorrow for everyone that knew Leelah; for her family and friends. They should grieve without harassment. When someone you love dearly has passed, especially by suicide, the last thing people should be doing is spreading hate to the family. That’s a cruel thing to do.
I wanted to address some things that you mentioned in your comment, because I think you should know:
Suicide is not revenge; it’s a cry for help. I do not believe for one second that anyone would throw themselves in front of a semi-truck out of spite. Depression is not fun and suicide is not about getting back. It can be brought on by so many things but I’ve only read Leelah’s note and I’ve never met her or her family, so like I said; I do not know them. I can’t rightly say I know the cause of it. So please, before you go off thinking that what she did was selfish and immature; it was not. She thought it was the only way to solve her problems and as we respect her family we must also respect her. Let’s not be angry with her. It’s devastating that she felt this was her only way out.
I would also ask you to not blame her friends. As I said, I do not know any of them personally. But I’m sure that no friend would know of a planned suicide and not try to stop her or contact anyone.
Please remember to talk how you preach; it’s not fair to ask anyone else to do it if you don’t practice it yourself.
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Suicide is more complicated than that, I’m afraid. And each suicide is different. In Leelah’s case I would think you are both right. The appeal for withholding judgment and for open-minded open-hearted understanding is entirely appropriate. Readers’ identification with issues should not cloud their ability to recognize their ignorance when it comes to what they know of both Leelah and her family.
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Aunt Cookie, I know this is very emotional for you, as it is for all of us. There are lots of details that aren’t being shared with the general public and we don’t have to share them either. It’s truly not our story to tell. But we also need to be careful that we don’t misrepresent Leelah/Josh either. We don’t know what she/he was thinking and feeling, we can only guess.
I don’t know that this was planned or if anyone saw this coming. When someone commits suicide, it’s always a shock to everyone. It’s extremely rare that it’s planned in advance and that plan is shared. Instead of looking for someone to blame, we need to breathe, and grieve, and give people room to do the same. Then we need to work together to find ways to love people through life. I have some ideas, but truthfully, five deaths of people I love in the past two months has taken it’s toll on me and I’m still sitting in a place of deep grief myself.
I would suggest that in our grief, and anger at a public that thinks they know our family and have the right to condemn without all the facts, we not lash out. Stop reading the articles. Stop taking things personally. Focus on healing and loving Carla and her family.
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Scientifically, mankind as we know it today has existed for over 200,000 years. About 5000BCE the substance of religions started to take off. The first printed bible came around 1455AD. Throughout the years, the bible has been revised many times, interpreted and rewritten by none other than man. It is a book of 80 chosen books written, interpreted and published by man. God, did not write one word or even a single character in any of the books. There are many religions; all say they are the best. Mankind has existed LONG before any religion.
IF,,, God wrote a bible for mankind to live by, it would account for everything and everyone and not a miniscule change would ever be considered or needed. Religions are created and used by mankind to control masses of people and for the most part, they are good. However, as mankind evolves and achieves higher levels of knowledge, religions must do so as well if they expect to survive the long haul.
The “Bible” as with all religious writings, is a historical reference and resource. It is a book. Believing in “God”, as I do, gives us so many good things and we turn to God for so many things. We associate everything good with God and anything bad is evil. God gives us hope that there is something for us to look forward to after death. ALL of which, mankind manipulates to control masses of people. There is nothing wrong with this and there is a great deal of good that comes from it. But, when religious beliefs are taken out of text or control children (or adults) in a way that denies them basic liberties and welfare, then religion is evil instead of good. In Leelah’s case, religion killed.
I appreciate the history of mankind and religion. I believe too many people choose to put too much value on “The Bible” and use it as a tool to train and live by within their lives. There is a history of reason religions have rewritten themselves to accommodate social needs. The bible is probably the most powerful book ever published. But by putting so much value in it, it is a crushing blow for anyone living with being transgender. When you are not transgender, it is easy to read and relate to things in the bible regarding sexuality and marriage and learn to agree, believe and enforce them. But it knocks the life out of you when as you are learning to live life from the bible and your Christian family and you learn you are transgender. It becomes a living hell on earth when you realize that you represent shame, humiliation and sin amongst and for your family and loved ones. You go from striving to make everyone proud and being the best you can be, to not wanting to be here or running to keep from being something people tolerate or are discomforted by. You want to be the solution, not the problem.
While some people think that being transgender is a lifestyle choice, there is not one true transgender person that will tell you that they woke up one day and chose to be transgender. Living their life just takes them in this path. It’s their being, their driving force, their soul, their consciousness, just as you got where you are in life, they get where they are. NO DIFFERENCE. It is pretty common sense to me that NO ONE would CHOOSE to be transgender and endure that life to date. Think about it, really.
They are not broken, defective, a mistake, have a disorder, a biblical abomination or sin, they are naturally occurring humans that don’t need converting or fixing. They just need help and understanding so they can be the best they can be and make us all proud.
I believe in people and I also believe that God made no mistakes. EVERYTHING God wanted to exist on this earth is here for us to learn to understand and live with. If you love Leelah, Joshua, do her/him one favor in the wake of her/his death. Learn about who she was and her natural existence.
Visit GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation)
http://www.glaad.org/transgender/trans101
or the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)
http://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth.htm
or APA (American Psychological Association)
Click to access transgender.pdf
You will find being transgender is very real. It is very overwhelming and religions are life obstacles that work against transgender people on so many fronts. Just as Leelah didn’t ask to be transgender, Carla didn’t ask for a transgender child and you didn’t ask to deal with this either. The horrifying ripple effects are everywhere. All the more reason to consider what Leelah was going through at the center of all this. You don’t want to be the problem, you just are. You are born that way and you have to learn to accept it or,,,, do something drastic like Leelah. There are MANY Leelah’s out there. Just as Joshua had to learn about being transgender, Carla, you and the world has to learn to accept Leelah. You can’t put more value on any religious belief than you do on the life of a loved one that is doing nothing wrong, simply living. So long as religions consider being transgender people anything other than normal everyday people, it will be difficult for transgender individuals and their families to embrace and positively promote and maximize their lives.
When you are a hard core religious person like Doug and Carla Alcorn, you want to be the best you can be and put 100% into your beliefs. Which is how we are raised, but there is a price that transgender individuals have been paying for thousands of years. It blows my mind how educated people can participate, debate and enforce biblical ideologies that they KNOW in their heart and mind is wrong. How can they sleep, I wonder, how do they see themselves in the mirror? To save face amongst peers? To be able to say, it says so in the bible? These are people lives. They only get one, as well as each member in their families. They only have one life to live and look at how the world treats them. Look at the title wave of criticism and humiliating choice of words you have come across these past few days. Look at what Leelah faced and would have continued to face throughout life. Look at what Doug, Carla and you are facing as things are. Does it make sense? Kinda blows your mind that people do and say the craziest things. It is a scary world. We need to change the perception. We need to make parents, siblings, family and friends naturally comfortable and able to embrace and interact with transgender people. This is the right thing to do. Religion needs to rewrite to account for transgender people. The general population are disconnecting with religion because religion is not keeping up with the times. Keep religion, keep God, put the bible down, it’s a book and live the good life God created here on earth.
Leelah was very smart, I can tell by her writings. Though brief, they were deep, well thought out and well spoken. I am sure Doug and Carla are great people, parents and participate in the community. Raising a transgender child is not easy and it is very sad that they have found themselves where they are. I wish Leelah would have been strong enough to have made it past this hurdle, because she would have been a very beautiful and inspiring person inside and out.
You are smart, compassionate and open minded. I took the time to write this for that very reason. For yourself and your own understanding, learn what it means to be transgender. Your niece/nephew was not a sin, impatient brat or whatever is getting thrown around out there. She was just a transgender girl learning how to live the life God and nature gave her to live. When you mix two parts hydrogen with one part oxygen you get water. When you mix what made up Leelah and add life experiences, you get transgender person. It is really that simple!
After you learn about transgender people, maybe you can help your family, loved ones and friends better understand what happened. Regardless of how things progress, I pray everything works out for everyone in the family. Leelah’s siblings will be affected deeply for life. Or,,, you can delete this post and carry on. I hope you take time to open your heart and mind and learn!
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Angie,
Thank you for taking the time to post that comment. There are a few things I’d like to respond to. First, I know you don’t know me personally, so let me tell you a few things about myself.
1. My husband and I were youth pastors for 12 years. I know a lot about teenagers. I also have a teenage son, and a pre-teen son and daughter, so I’m learning a lot about raising teenagers. I have a pretty good grasp on what makes them tick, their struggles and strengths, and their general angst with life as they transition from childhood to adulthood.
2. We moved to Colorado 10 years ago to work with a homeless ministry, and 8 1/2 years ago, started our own. That is when I met my first transgender friend. I’ve gotten to know several more in the past 10 years. Even before that, I had several friends in high school and college who were gay or lesbians. I am not new to the struggles of the LGBTQ community or the role religion has played in their difficulties. I do what I can to not only NOT add to the struggle, but to educate people about loving them and everyone else they come into contact with.
3. Depression runs in our family.
I would disagree that it was religion that killed Leelah. Leelah killed Leelah, not her parents or their religious beliefs, and people need to stop saying that. Religious pressure may have contributed to it as well, but I can tell you because I KNOW, depression played a big role. There’s been a huge assumption made that Leelah’s depression stemmed from being transgender. How can anyone know that? The depression was present long before those conversations.
Can I assume you’re getting all of your facts from the suicide note you read online? Or the media? Because I also know there is so much more to the story than what has been shared publicly. For instance, Leelah was in therapy and on medication for her depression, not being transgender, yet the LGBTQ community has made her their face for proposing a law against conversion therapy. That’s not what was going on. It really isn’t my story to tell, and if I tried, even I would lack much detail. I live in a different state than my cousin and her family, and we don’t see each other very often. I do feel the need to defend Carla because there have been so many assumptions made about her. Leelah grew up in a loving home, not an oppressive one. To assume you know anything about Leelah or her family because of what you’ve read online this week is wrong. There were no basic liberties or welfare withheld from Leelah. Religion didn’t kill her.
This is not the appropriate time for a theological discussion, but I want to say that I disagree with a lot of what you had to say about religion and the Bible. I do agree that many have misused it to control people and I think that’s terrible. I also agree that it was written by men, though I believe it to be inspired by God. Men chose which books to include and not include in the canon of scripture. The Bible as a whole was not written to us (the current us) but there is much to be gained from the stories it contains. Jesus, as I know Him, taught me to love people, something I’m pretty good at. That love changed me and it makes me who I am. It’s what taught me to love and respect all of my friends, including the many who are part of the LGBTQ community and my community.
I do want to help my family better understand the LGBTQ community, but the hatred being screamed at them from the LGBTQ community and much of the world is going to make that extremely difficult, don’t you think?
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I appreciate the response and have respect for you. Kudos for being a youth pastor and living in Colorado, beautiful place. I am not looking to create discomfort, just something to consider as you moved forward. I will say, Leelah’s suicide note alone was written in a way that people could feel and relate to, word for word. You had to live it to write it kind of way. Hard to believe there was not truth or that she was not transgender. Carla’s interview with CNN stating that she didn’t support that lifestyle added additional concerns. Then there is the pictures and interviews with neighbors. These are facts that were presented and when you consider them, that is what initiated my concern. Sorry if I am mistaken, that would be terrible and not what I am about. You can’t take it back or undo it, but together we can make a better tomorrow. May you all have an awesome 2015 : )
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Thanks for your comment, Angie. I wasn’t suggesting there was no truth to the note, and yes, it was passionate and heartrending. The pain Leelah was experiencing was very real. What I want to point out was it was written by a depressed, angry teenager, which Leelah was not most of the time. Notes like that don’t get written during times of family peace and clarity. Of course people can relate to some of the things said in the note. They were universal truths. Have you ever known a teenager who didn’t at some time in their life feel misunderstood, unsupported, rejected by their family? Adding one’s sexuality and the history of how it’s been handled, makes this exponentially more difficult. Religious beliefs being involved makes this a hot button, and Carla an easy target. I’m just saying there is more to the story and it’s been surprising how this has blown up. Leelah didn’t hate God, her parents, or her church (which she was still active in). Her conflicting feelings surrounding who she is and what made her who she is, were obviously torturous. That breaks my heart. As you can see from other comments on this thread, there are other LGBTQ people who love God and their families even if they’ve been shamefully mistreated. Her parents didn’t kill her and it’s disgusting that so many are making that accusation.
A few things to think about:
There are millions of people around the world whose religious beliefs say that embracing or living the LGBTQ lifestyle is wrong. From there it breaks down into smaller factions, some believing you should love EVERYONE anyway and treat them as the children of God they are. Some believe they should have nothing to do with those who are LGBTQ. Some act out in hateful ways like the Westboro people who picket funerals and justify their hate speech in the name of their religion. I would place Carla in the first category. She’s entitled to her beliefs. She also had the right to say Leelah couldn’t begin hormone therapy before moving out of her home.
There are a lot of things we (society) don’t allow or encourage for minors. That doesn’t fly out the window because of this emotionally charged situation. As the parent of a minor, you dictate what is allowed or not allowed in your home. Some things have to wait until you’re a legal adult and responsible for the ramifications of your choices. For some families it’s as simple as piercings, tattoos, smoking, etc. For some it’s bigger issues like breast augmentation. Beginning hormone therapy to transition yourself to be the opposite sex is a HUGE decision, not one to be taken lightly. Even if there had been willingness, imagine the financial strain on a family of six. While Leelah may have been ready to move forward with the decision, her parents were not. Eighteen is a milestone for a lot of freedoms, and that was only a year away for Leelah.
The short interview and the other stories in the media do not tell the whole story, they focus on a few key phrases to keep emotions churning and people interested. Yes, there are SOME facts presented, but not all. Thanks for keeping an open mind through the discussion during this horrible aftermath. I appreciate the tone of your comment.
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Niki, this shows tremendous depth. You are clearly considering so many levels of life conditions with respect to parents and children and you high light the very wall transgender children are born into. A global world of religions opinions that are negative on so many levels. How can we preach and teach and plant seeds in the minds of people, that create such a negative environment for innocent children to find themselves naturally born into. Put yourself in the minds eye of a transgender child and learn what it means and what they experience and how too many religious groups actually teach all these negatives and I am being very polite. These are innocent lives, they deserve the same opportunities and rights to live and enjoy religion as the rest of us. Being transgender is complicated enough and naturally hard for a child to experience without the added religious comparisons and teaching that pit the world against them. What you teach and preach makes its way to the streets we all share. Imagine being a naturally born transgender child in bible study. Imagine being a transgender child in a public school in a religious community. This is a very real reality they find themselves in and it is the ultimate proof that enlightened me that we have to respect who and when historical scriptures and biblical texts were written and appropriately explain them in today’s teachings. It is long over due. It takes very strong Christians to help pave the way for our beloved transgender children. We must create an environment where Christian parents such as Doug and Carla don’t find themselves at odds with the natural development of their child. They should feel proud and comfortable within their lives and religious beliefs as well as with family and friends to partner openly with their child throughout their natural life experiences. They may develop into a transgender or gay child or maybe not, they may have other issues they are dealing with or maybe they don’t, what they don’t need is all the negative stuff that clearly exists in so many places that makes being who they are very difficult. I only ask that people learn the facts, the real truth that you can touch and feel and understand in today’s written intellects it can and does happen to anyone.
I don’t have a problem with not having the funds for surgeries. That is an obstacle all by itself, all transgender families face. Carla was quoted as saying, her religious beliefs didn’t support being transgender. That alone is my concern, we can’t let that be acceptable. As parents we need to support our children throughout all phases of their life. IF,,, being transgender was a natural junction for Joshua to experience, he needed his parent’s adult love, support and guidance to help him understand why he felt like he should have been a girl and why he wanted his name to be Leelah. Stand proudly with their child physically and spiritually while Leelah figured things out. We can’t push serious issues like gender identity off until a child is eighteen so we can be exonerated of their actions. I agree with the smoking and piercings being able to wait, but an issue like gender identity is in the now, as the child experiences life and develops.The psychological repercussions alone for not accepting and embracing a child at any age regarding gender identity can and does cause depression and other mental illnesses. Now something that was naturally occurring and without illness, becomes what society used to call gender identity disorder. The disorder, illness or depression that stems from denying or not embracing the natural gender identity that the child is relating to, that is why everyone gets so excited where they hear the words conversion therapy. That simply just destroys good and innocent people. Gender identity is confusing to adults, I face hundreds of them daily that think its about sex. It is so much more complicated for a child and if the child is suffering from additional conditions of life such as depression, that just makes a complicated issue worse. Being a transgender child should be no different than any other naturally born child in the world. Being the parents. siblings, family and friends of a transgender child should be just as easy. I will take this one step further and say that transgender children should grow up to be open and honest in their personal relationships, for those that focus on sex. There are plenty of men and women that cant procreate and there is even more that simply choose not to procreate. So, for transgender children gender identity is more important and procreation becomes less of a concern for them. Point, it is not about sex and making babies, it is about living each and every day of you life.
It is easy to quote the Bible, I do it all the time and I am guilty of misusing quotes in the Bible. It is very hard to understand why a child is born transgender. It is even harder when a powerful religious beliefs make living a hell on earth. I know you are probably sorry you linked back to your blog and what you and your family need right now is love and support on steroids. I am sending that and praying in so many ways, not just for Leelah, but Doug, Carla and especially the siblings. I know what they are living today and I know what tomorrow brings.More important is my prayer for you. You are smart in a lot of ways and my hope is that you might just understand how dangerous religious teachings can be for transgender people and their families as you dwell and digest all of this through the days to come.
I understand that onslaught of undesired feedback from the LGBT communities. It is a Global issue and I don’t like Westboro church, the rioting is Missouri or threats against a Christian family during such a horrific time. But I am absolutely sure in my faith in God, that good people on both sides will helps us all through this and I am sure of one thing. Regardless of where Leelah was in her life, there is so much transgender focus on so many branches of her family, that they will certainly have a lot to consider moving forward in their lives. I know how difficult these matters are in the privacy of your own home, but I can only image what having it thrust on media outlets around the world. I agree that media outlets put their own spin on things. But the events did happen and that is what the media does, we all know it and most of us can make the right interpretations. There is both pain and good that comes from this and I hope for a lot more good. While I don’t view Leelah as a Martyr, she made a sad choice in desperation, she has touched millions of peoples hearts, mine included.
When science and religion unite, the world will become the greatest human environment on all fronts. It will happen, it is a matter of time.
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Beautiful, Niki! I agree with you entirely and love how you respect everyone involved! If we could all just learn respect all around, so many wars would never begin and we would come to truth so much more quickly! By the way, the Bible never says anything about being transgender let alone call it a sin. And neither did you. Just sayin’. Keep up the LOVE! That stands on serious Biblical ground and knowing you personally, I can attest, you are a lover of people of every persuasion without judgment.
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Thank you, Genevieve. 🙂
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I am a transgender Christian and have been dismayed by the way the transgender community as a whole has responded to this tragedy. But please know that it is not all of us. It seems that there is a political force behind the anger that has been displayed and that their goal isn’t understanding or compassion but to fight something that doesn’t even apply in this case (conversion therapy).
I feel for your family. I don’t doubt that the parents are suffering and beside themselves with grief. i also don’t believe that they drove Leelah to suicide. We are getting a one sided view of what happened and even that view is incomplete. I will not judge, because it is not my place to.
The real issue here is that a person has taken their life. That is sad, society should morn and be outraged when it happens to anyone. Leelah’s death doesn’t need to be a rallying point for a cause, it should be a rallying point for compassion.
I apologize that your family has been attacked and harassed. It probably will get worse before it gets better. I pray for a peaceful funeral where the family can grieve and the healing process can begin. May God be with you in your time of sorrow.
Katie Leone – author, christian, transgender, and human.
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Thank you, Katie. Your thoughts are much appreciated as I have found myself in a place of attempting to get people to think of this from a bigger perspective. It’s a very painful time for all involved.
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I really find myself struggling here. I am a Christian, and as such I am called upon to forgive my enemies and pray for those who persecute me. But I am also transgender and have been where Leelah was and know how much more difficult it can be to deal with a gender struggle when you’re a Christian. You talk about her depression, but have you considered that the situation might have a lot to do with her being depressed? Its past time for Christians to recognize that being trans isn’t a choice, and you can’t “cure” us into being something we are not. I was not in favor of the amount of hate thrown toward the parents, but I believe they failed their daughter, and I’ve seen nothing that says they’ve learned anything, or that they would do anything different in the same situation. They chose their religion over their child, and that’s not a choice I can brush away and say “it was their opinion”. If their religion had them starve her would we say that was okay as she was their child and could do what they wanted? We’ve seen religious parents charged for refusing blood transfusions for their kids, shouldn’t the same happen to parents who use a completely discredited method to “cure” their kids? That said, I am sorry for the loss of this beautiful girl. If she could only have held on a little longer she could have left her parent’s and their beliefs behind and lived as she chose. To any who miss HER, my condolences and prayers.
Dorothy Bellion, Trans, Christian, and human.
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Dorothy,
I’m sorry for your struggle as it relates to sexuality and faith. I am sure you have endured much heartache on your journey.
As for your belief they failed Leelah, I’m sorry for that too.
You said you’ve not seen anything saying what they’ve learned through this situation or what they would do differently. Don’t you think they’re battling through those thoughts and emotions right now in their grief? What do I have to do to humanize them for you? What words will make you give them a chance to grieve and come to their conclusions on why and how and what if? What penance would make you feel better? What details would convince you they are loving parents? You’ve already made your mind up that they are monsters. You’ve judged them and left no room for the possibility that you could be wrong.
You say they chose their religion over their child, but you’re failing to see that their child was part of their religion too. No matter what you want to believe based on the limited “facts” you’ve read, Leelah was not a depressed loner. She was very active in her church, had lots of friends, and was deeply loved and cared for. She wasn’t starved, abused, neglected, and you know nothing about the counseling situation other than what you’ve read. There’s more to the story. I keep saying that.
So you fall into the camp that charges should be brought against her parents? You’re guilty of the things I wrote about in my original post. You’ve taken a heartrending note and assumed you’ve read Leelah’s entire life story. She was bigger and better than that.
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You’ve stated your position eloquently. I see you replying to people, only to state things you’ve already put in your blog. I too have been trying to help people see the broader picture, but in emotionally charged situations, sometimes it is better for the emotions to run their course and then try to have a rational dialog with people.
I hope you ask yourself this question, is answering all these post the healthiest thing for you to do at this moment? It might be. I’m not you. It might be just the thing, but I hope you take time to answer that question.
In the future I hope more information comes out for public consumption. I have a lot of empathy for the situation because I have written several stories about transgender teenage suicide. Perhaps when the emotion dies down and the grief is lessened, Leelah’s parents can be a voice to other parents who find themselves in similar situations.
I pray for your family. I pray for you. The apostle Paul said fight the good fight, and that is true. But also remember that Jesus told Peter to put away his sword. There is a time to fight and there is a time to retreat. I pray that God gives you guidance at what is the best for you at this time.
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Wise words, Katie. I am replying because some of these people will never visit my blog again and I feel the urgency of the situation. BUT, you are correct in that this might not be the best time for ME to respond.
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First I completely agree the other children should be left out of the media and not put on the spot. Second I find comparing Leelah’s (I choose to use the female name and pronouns) situation to Columbine unusual in the least. I find the two situations rather different. Third the people personally attacking the family are pigs. However her parents still hold responsibility to some degree over her death. When a child is discouraged from being themseves by their parents, the people a child looks up to for protection, that takes a huge toll on them mentally. She would have felt some kind pain regardless of how far her parents took the oppression of her feminism. While I am not personally attacking the family there is no denying that something could have been done to avoid this tradgey on the part of her parents. Even with their personal religious beliefs it is possible to help make Leelah feel more comfortable without going as far as a sex change at 16. To summerize one, my heart truly goes out to the family for their loss I wish she could have survived. And two, it can not be forgotten why she killed herself and what pushed her to that point.
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I was NOT comparing the situations. I was giving an example of how easy it is to make a snap judgment based on partial information shared by the media. Columbine was my personal example of when I was guilty of harshly judging the parents for the actions of their children. Something I regret.
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I’m so sorry for your loss, and all these uneducated threats directed towards your family. People don’t know what’s going on, and it’s not really their business. It’s really cheap and says a lot about a person when they hit you when you’re down. I read on your blog about your other losses…they all seem like very special people. I’m glad they had you to remember them.
Leelah needs to be remembered and retold by the people who knew her. Not by most of us who find something familiar in her life because we have to remember that she was not us. Her life was not ours, and I’m sure she was a fantastic person. We should focus on her life, not so much on her tragic death.
Katie Leonard has some good points…maybe you should just stuff your computer away for a while. People can talk a lot about something they know little about and forget your grief and your whole family’s grief.
I hope your New Year, and your family’s, is full of healing.
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Thank you, Jude! I needed to read this today. 🙂
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No need to thank me, Niki. When grief happened to me, I found a lot in music…it’s not the answer to everything but it does make life a little better.
“Wot’s… uh the Deal?” and “Lost for Words” ~ Pink Floyd
“Barricades of Heaven” and “Our Lady of the Well” ~ Jackson Browne
“For Martha” ~ Smashing Pumpkins
Those songs are gold to me…there’s so much they helped me cope with. I know we’re not the same, but I hope you can find some peace in one of those, because once you find it, it really stays with you. You can’t forget.
I think most of us get lost into thinking one thing about at least one thing in our lives and become so obsessed that we can’t see we’re hurting anyone. So, on behalf of the internet, I’m so sorry again.
Take some time off the web. Plant a tree? Cherry Trees are great, ’cause you get a snowfall in the spring from them, and fruit. Win, win, right?
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Thank you all for your comments on this emotional subject matter. I am fine with opposing views being voiced on my blog as long as they are shared respectfully. I like being challenged to think outside of my own perspective, and I certainly enjoy conversations where I’ve challenged other people to think outside of theirs. We can learn a lot from each other when discussions are civil and all parties are honored even in disagreement. But timing is definitely a factor to consider. Thank you for that reminder, Katie and Jude!
Because some people don’t know how to behave on the internet, I’ve decided to enable comment moderation. My emotions are raw right now as I am grieving so many losses, and I felt completely disrespected by Teresa Landreth’s comments. I’ve deleted the entire comment thread with this woman I don’t know and she continues to attack me, so she no longer has a voice in this discussion.
I hope to blog about this more in the future, but I’m going to take a break from it to continue walking through the grieving process. I know I’ll be better for it. 🙂
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What an absolutely wonderful conversation you’ve created here in this blog. I do not know your family, but I was moved to send a facebook message to the mother of this child when I saw all of the terrible hate being spewed by the media toward the parents. I am a gay man. I am far from perfect. But I know and love the Lord. I am disheartened but the lashing out I’ve seen by different groups. And I’m thoroughly disgusted by the media. Thank you for bringing clarity and common sense to a most difficult situation. My heart breaks for all who knew and loved Josh/Leelah. Most importantly, and as you mention you have children: the cerebellum is not fully developed until at least 20. Impulse control is hard enough for some adults, let alone, children. When I was a teen, we were at a party and my friend had too much to drink. I took away his keys so he would not drive. He stormed off and didn’t return. The next day I learned he’d jumped in front of a train. Only in my adulthood did I begin to understand that it was nothing more than a split second decision. Kids don’t realize the permanency of death. I’m sorry to ramble on here. I’m just so moved by this tragedy, your blog, the pain I feel for total strangers. It make me realize that I’m glad I am not someone looking for someone to blame, but rather looking for someone to whom I can offer a word of comfort. May God’s love envelope your family and may His grace provide you peace.
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Seven months after this situation, I read this text of yours. I probably shouldn’t be digging in old wounds but I felt the need to say something if you don’t mind.
I am not catholic neither do I have any other type of religion, I’m an atheist. I’m not a transgender, I’m a simple girl born in a middle class family in Portugal.
I can’t relate to what Leelah lived, I can’t speak about my religion or my experience because I have none of that, at least close to this I don’t.
From what I could read (because there wasn’t a lot in the TV in my country) Leelah was indeed depressed, but depression doesn’t simply bloom on its own. She could indeed have a predisposition to be depressed, but that doesn’t make someone depressed. There’s always the need for a trigger. Probably on Leelah’s situation it was her gender identity that made her feel very confused, especially considering she was in a very delicate age, and as so… it may had affected her somehow.
Now this is only my opinion, but imagine yourself having a cardiac problem with solution. That problem would make you feel extremely anxious and sad, even if you knew it had a solution. Now… imagine two scenarios. One where the family accepts your heart condition and reassures you everything will be alright, that they love you no matter what and they’ll help you no matter what. And now imagine a family that says that “they do not approve that problem, religiously” but they still love you. The burden is much bigger in the second case.
I have no doubts Leelah’s parents loved her, but they probably didn’t know how to aproach her situation in the best way and that lead to more depressed feelings in Leelah’s head and more confusion and she may even got angry with them because they didn’t understand her.
I’m not saying Leelah’s parents were the sole responsibles for her daughter’s death, because the responsible one was her depression. But they weren’t the perfect parents and I’m sure that they regret it now and if they could go back they probably would do things differently or try a different approach. I bet they have many “what if” in their head and all this community hatred doesn’t help at all because it only makes them feel guilty and even more sad.
I hope they had time to grieve Leelah and that they foundd peace in their sadness that even after 7 months, I believe it stills roams their hearts (and it will for a long time).
I’m sorry for their and your loss.
I also just wanted to say something about this: “I chose to use both gender pronouns to honor Josh/Leelah AND his/her parents.”
There is no reason why one should respect her parents on that one because gender identity is something very personal and the parents have ZERO power or a word about that. If Leelah saw herself as a girl and identified herself as a girl (by being a trans), then why would one treat her other than a girl?
No one likes to be treated by the gender they don’t identify with and if her parents were or are still neglecting that… then they aren’t respecting her as a girl… and that’s very sad and awful. Simple as that.
Other than this. Thank you for this lovely text. You opened some eyes here. I also like the polite way you react to every person that commented here. You respect other people’s beliefs and points of view and that is something to admire.
I hope you didn’t see me as a rude person. It was not my intention at all. I just wanted to express my feelings and opinion about this because I just found this text after all this time and I had the urge to speak.
Joana
PS: I’m sorry for the grammatical errors or primitive english here, but as you can guess… portuguese is in fact my mother languange, not english.
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