Sometimes I Write

I know. Spell check didn’t like that word either.

As I reflect on my sabbath year so far, I have some confessions to make, besides the one that I chose to title this post. It’s been a weird year. Not terrible. Not great. Confession #2: This whole resting thing seems like laziness and I feel like I have to justify it to others. Not that anyone is demanding I do, it’s the subtle reactions I get when I talk about what I’m NOT doing now.

A few of my friends have made comments about gearing up for my busy summer. That’s the pattern I’ve lived for the past several years – summers filled with ministry stuff and little time for anything else. As much as I love our SABBATH groups, I heaved a sigh of relief when Benny and I decided to take the summer off to rest and play as a family. Now, what does that look like? I have no idea. We’ve never done that before. Ever.  I think the last time I took the summer off to rest and play, I was in high school. You know, before I had to get a real job and be a responsible grown-up.

My attempts to talk with God about all of the stuff I need to work on: Character flaws, my lack of ability to finish what I start (like drawing challenges – ha!), caring too much what other people think, and my homeschooling quandary, are met with Him telling me to rest, and that I worry too much. Yeah, I LOVE hearing that. 😉

Slowing down has had some unfortunate consequences. Confession #3: Lately I’ve been feeling disconnected, lonely, forgotten, like I’m starving for attention. I am a pursuer, and I think my friends depend on me pursuing them.  When I don’t, I’m shocked (and a little hurt) at the lack of people pursuing me. Is it a reflection of my personality? Do I appear too busy? How do I change that? Do I need better friends or better communication skills? Probably the latter. My friends rock.Benny and I had a long chat about this. Using the same tone of voice as he would say “of course you’re a redhead” he told me that of course I’m a pursuer. It’s my personality. It’s what I do. Mr. Smartypants also told me that my friends probably do assume I’m busy all of the time because I am. Except now I’m not, and they’re all confused. He asked who my close friends are now and told me to focus on them and not worry about whether or not I’m being pursued. He also told me to back off the toxic relationships in my life. Good idea. This advice was free and I didn’t even have to lie down on the couch and discuss how I feel about my mother.

Confession #4: I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know what I want.

The next 77 days (not including my two weeks of camp in Oklahoma) are stretched out before me. I want to read, have long chats on the phone, over Skype, or sit across from you – my friends –with a cup of Chai in my hand, watch movies, teach my daughter how to throw a fast-pitch softball, read, write a real letter, work on the novel I tell people I’m writing, beat my son at cribbage, take the other son down in a water balloon fight, sleep until noon, update my coupon binder, go on dates with my husband, and read some more. And I want to do these things spontaneously.

 I don’t want every day on the calendar filled in,

but I want every day to be full.

That’s my plan. I’m not a good rester, but I will be.

How about you? What are you looking forward to this summer?