Sometimes I Write

I am a clumsy lover.

Benny and I stayed up talking late into the night about yesterday’s post. He wants you to know that he sacrificed sleep for this conversation. 😉 He challenged me to be clearer in my thoughts instead of using broad strokes and lumping people together in categories – something that annoys me when other people do it. He said my examples were extremes and that we know lots of people who can and do love people and still hate the sin in their lives, including us. Let me paraphrase a 3 hour conversation in a few lines:

Benny – “Niki, isn’t that what we’re doing with SEVENS? Isn’t that who you are when you love _______ (our drug addict friend) but cry over what the addiction is doing to her body, and refuse to give her money for her next fix? You’re loving her, but hating the consequences of her behavior.”

Me –  “But my point was that I’ve experienced so many people using this phrase to justify their hateful behavior towards others whose sin looks different or is more public than their own. It’s stupid and unfair and looks nothing like love. And I know others who think that love is pointing out everyone’s sin, convicting them of how bad they are so they’ll see their need for Jesus. That’s not what I read in the Bible. I’m calling them on it.”

Benny – “But when you say it’s impossible to separate the two, you’re lumping me and a whole bunch of other people into that category, and I think I do a pretty good job of loving the sinner but hating sin. ”

Niki – “So what’s your point? I should retract what I said?”

Benny – “No, a lot of it was good, but you were still not as calm as you think you were. Some of your wording was confrontational and I think you need to spend a little more time thinking through what you really want to say. And by the way, you’re not a sinner; you’re a new creation.”

Niki – “I know. That was going to be part of my next post.”

~sigh~

He’s right, and I stand corrected. Perhaps I should have thought through this a little more. I am a clumsy lover. I don’t always love people well. I fall into unloving behaviors too easily, especially when it comes to what I refer to as “church sign/bumper sticker theology.”

I’m not retracting what I said because I know a lot of people who don’t seem to be able to love others because they are too busy showing disgust for others sinful behaviors. I don’t think that is loving at all. It’s possible they just don’t know how. I’ve been there – wanting to love others but failing. Yes, I’m very clumsy indeed, even in my blogging.

I want to answer my questions at the end of the last post.

Why should we waste time hating behavior when so many people are desperate for our love?

I don’t think we should. Like my friend John said, if my kid has cancer, I don’t have to be reminded to love my kid and hate the cancer. I hate the effect of the cancer, but I focus on loving my kid. The loving gets my time and energy, not the hating.

What does condoning behavior look like?

Using the example Benny gave me, if I know my friend is a drug addict and I give her money so she can buy her drugs, then I am condoning her behavior.

How is it different from loving behavior?

If I know my friend is a drug addict, I don’t give her money to buy drugs and I hold her hand while she’s suffering, maybe help her find the help she needs.

I think my identity plays into this discussion as well. I am a shield. I am built to stand fearless on the front line. Sometimes I get a little over zealous in how I choose to walk that out.  I’ll be talking more about identity in the coming days, but for this discussion let’s just say THAT is my problem with sin in a person’s life. It blinds them from understanding and walking in who they are, and creates a residue that mucks everything up.

One of my friends spoke to loving the sinner in the mirror. In my experience, it’s a short walk from hating the sin in my life to hating myself for not being able to immediately change it. I appreciate my friends who worded this phrase to me in a way that made me think longer and harder on what I posted. I’m still thinking.