Christopher would have been 3 months old a week ago today. Instead, Lexi and I drove to Children’s Hospital to pick up his autopsy report. Pulling into the parking lot felt like being punched in the stomach. Walking through the entrance, I couldn’t help but lift my eyes to the 4th floor balcony and remember the details, emotions, and horrors of July 22nd. I choked on my tears as we walked back to the medical records office, and I updated my Facebook status as I sat waiting while Lexi signed the paperwork. She sat down next to me, staring helplessly into my eyes. Mirrored pools of grief. We left, hoping never to return, and hugged and cried in the parking lot.
If you’re new here, you can read about Christopher’s amazing delivery here, and my memorial post about him here. But even those two posts only hint at the whole story. He is loved and he is missed. I have been able to get through a few days here and there without thinking about him, but the anguish I experienced today was fresh and rolled over me in waves. My heart still bleeds. Lexi and I likened it to ripping off scabs that haven’t healed and begun to separate from the wound yet. I told her that grief has no deadline and she should take her time dealing with life as it comes. Another lesson for me as I practice what I preach.
Tomorrow is a new day, one with hope and love and room to grieve and heal, but today was rough. Very rough…but I’m still standing.
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o’er-wrought heart and bids it break.” ~ William Shakespeare
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~Winston Churchill
Sometimes I Write 
Niki, my prayers are with you for healing. I had missed this somehow. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
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I can’t say I have an idea of how you must feel – I’ve never dealt with the death of one so young. But I can say that I hope you feel better and, more importantly, that some day you can come to terms with this.
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awww friend. it does take time. The tears are really important tho. Really healing. I used to think that if I let them out they would overwhelm me…now I know that that was pretty much exactly what needed to happen so the healing could come. I am so sorry. hugs.
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Walking through and acknowledging your grief is good for healing. I’m so sorry for your loss, but privileged to read about it and share in your sorrow. Prayers going out for you, Lexi, and your families.
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Death does leave a hearache. You both displayed courage as you walked through it.
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Opps–heartache
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I have experienced this kind of loss years ago. I lost my nephew at eight weeks old. There is a special bonding when you witness a new life brought into the world. Yours goes even deeper. Going through what you went through yesterday feels like it just happened all over again. I am praying for your healing, and Chris and Lexi’s too. I am glad we had the opportunity to talk last night. Thank you for sharing with me.
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