There are many causes to my insomnia, and no, I’ve not been officially diagnosed. I’m overweight and have a pretty sedentary lifestyle (I’m actively working on that), I have terrible sleep hygiene (that was a new phrase for me), I have a lot of stress in my life, and I’ve been grieving for a few months. BUT, there was another part to Benny’s epiphany about my sleep behavior, and I suspect that IT is the long-term cause.
Remember when I said I’ve been a night owl since early childhood? I argued with Benny that I didn’t choose to be this way, I just am, and the length of time I’ve been doing this proves it. He countered with reminding me that a lot of the major trauma in my life happened when I was very young.
He thinks not sleeping is a defense mechanism – my subconscious trying to keep my body safe. If I’m awake I can be on guard, but if I’m asleep, I’m vulnerable. That used to be the scariest word in my vocabulary, as it is for most abused kids. But I’m an adult now and I sleep next to Benny. Have you seen my husband? If he can’t keep me safe while I sleep, who can? I know it’s not about him, or even about being an adult and outgrowing this not-sleeping thing. I still have some issues to face, bad habits to break, and good sleep hygiene to practice. The nightmares? I have no idea what to do about them even though I have a good idea why I’m having them this week.
Okay insomniac friends: Do you have any ideas why YOU struggle with sleep? How do you handle it?
More tomorrow in Part 3: The conclusion.
Sometimes I Write 
Mine is either linked to current stresses I’m not dealing with well or the reawakening of old wounds and insecurities. I’m not a constant insomniac, but it creeps up on me every few months for one reason or another. Lately, I’ve been so focused on caring for Guinevere that I haven’t had time to worry about all of that ancillary stuff.
I checked on you last night before I went to bed to see if you posted and I was worried. Good job. Keep it up.
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I have nightmares all to frequently. Not fun. It helps to pinpoint why and then they subside for a while. You married a pretty wise fella.
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I have done the processing I talked about in my last comment, but this kind of blows that away. I have always had a little trouble sleeping, sort of an insomniac, but more of a night owl. My dad is the same way and his dad before him and always assumed it is hereditary. As you may remember or you may not, either is fine, I came to York an innocent, sweet girl. Sometime during my second stent at York I went a little wild. Thankfully I got it out of my system, but one of the big reasons is that after I got back to Council Bluffs I continued partying and it led to a sexual assault, which changed my life in many ways. I did not date for almost 10 years, I gained a bunch of weight, I stopped drinking and I stopped sleeping. I never thought of the fact that when my eyes are open I can see anything that comes my way or hear anything go bump in the night way before it gets to me.
What I have known is that many, many nights I have been scared to go to sleep. For no apparent reason I am scared to turn off the lights and the TV or radio. I always thought I was scared of the quiet or in other words, scared of my own thoughts. I have even been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and have medication I take at night that is supposed to help, but it really doesn’t unless I take a whole dose, which just causes me to be sleepy the whole next day and medicine sleepy is way worse than lack of sleep sleepy.
My assault caused many, many control issues, but I never even considered this one. I too have a husband built like Benny who also happens to be good with a gun, but the fear is deeper than that. Now I have even more thinking to do. Maybe I need to do some work on trusting my husband, my beagle and mostly my God to take care of me instead of always feeling the need to be in charge of my own safety. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean I should be reckless and walk down a dark alley telling myself that God will take care of me. You do have to act responsibly and keep yourself out of dangerous situations, but sitting in my living room or sleeping in my bedroom are not naturally dangerous situations anywhere, but my imagination. Again, that’s a thinker.
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