I had an epiphany today that was quite painful. It would be more accurate to say that Benny had an epiphany about me and I knew in my heart he was right, so in the spirit of being transparent and real, I’m going to confess it to you. Surely I’m not the only one.
I don’t sleep…unless I have to. I don’t like to sleep. I feel like it’s a waste of time when I could be doing other things. I have been a night owl ever since I can remember. I’m talking early childhood here. That is my body rhythm and it feels set in stone. I have a child who has the same tendency. He’s always copied my rhythm. Occasionally I have what I call a “crash day” where I can barely function and I seem to catch up on the sleep I’ve been missing. No big announcement there, right? That’s not abnormal. Lots of people are like that. But here’s the epiphany:
I don’t sleep because it makes me feel out of control.
I have nightmares. I dream about the mistakes I’ve made and the people I’ve hurt. I dream about being abused and committing crimes. Old lovers haunt my dreams. One of my recurring dreams is of not being able to reach my destination – no matter how important the task, I get sidetracked.
Some of you may think this is a no-brainer. It’s my subconscious mind working through stress and expressing unforgiveness in my heart. Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s more than that.
Anyone else ever have this problem?
Part 2 tomorrow…
I was there Nik. The whole hormone/pain thing….could not sleep, but my body would not let me do things I wanted to. It was a cycle: depression, pain, insomnia, then a crash- needing/wanting to sleep for a long time, but it did no good.
I can understand the ‘control’ element. I can also understand the nightmares. My insomnia was part of my fibromyalgia. So….it was a piece of the puzzle I had to put together. Now, other than with work, I try to keep it pretty normal. 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. or 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. It took a year, but I got where I had some balance. That’s not to say I don’t have nights/days where I slip……I do. But….part of my healing was letting go of so many things that wrapped me up where I couldn’t let my mind do what it needed to: rest. Heal.
REM and deep sleep are where we process things in our lives. REM and deep sleep are where we ‘reconcile’ our accounts and wipe out debts and wrongs, and gain footholds in strength and peace. Without REM and deep stage sleep— one of the things people with FMS go without for a long time, we can’t balance our ‘books’ of where we are, and what we’ve been doing- so we go deeper and deeper into the red, because we don’t go deeper and deeper into sleep.
We should have coffee sometime… decaf.
Love you.
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Niki-
It’s so interesting that you posted this tonight. I don’t have as much of an issue with insomnia per se, but I have been reading a book called “The Mood Cure” which talks at length about various mood issues (including insomnia and bad dreams) that may be related to various amino acids that you may be low in. Specifically for insomnia and nightmares, she equates it to being low in serotonin. This is a really great blog post that kind of gives a summary of the book (and where I first learned of it): http://www.cheeseslave.com/2010/06/15/a-weekend-with-julia-ross-author-of-the-mood-cure/
I actually ordered the book and started reading thru it last week to help me deal with some issues I’m struggling with, and it’s incredibly interesting. The fact that you have a son with the same tendencies also caught my attention, as she also states that often you will see family members with the same traits (as if you are low in serotonin, you will probably pass that on to your children). I can’t say yet that I have real personal experience with it, as I only just started the program, but based on what I’ve read so far, this stuff is amazing.
You can actually go to her website and take a quiz to test your moods and see what you may be low in: http://www.moodcure.com/Questionnaire.html
Just thought I’d throw this in there to say that it may not be all your fault you can’t go to bed at night ;-).
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Good insight, Niki, and thanks for sharing. I too have been a night owl for as long as I can remember, too thinking that sleep was almost a waste of time. Or really with me, it’s more so a fear that I’m going to miss something important or fun if I go to bed early every night. It is a constant struggle for me to even make myself get into the bed at a decent hour, even though I usually read for awhile before I can fall asleep. It’s a control thing for me-it’s about trying to control my time. I’m learning through, as I’ve married a man that values regular and much needed sleep and who also has a neurological disorder that depends on him staying within his sleep cycle, that sleep is way more important than I give it credit for. And now that I’m pregnant and tired all the time (and knowing how exhausting it will be once the baby is here), the value I place on sleep is steadily rising. We were designed to need it.
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I have been through the same thing with nightmares. My normal ones are that somehow the boys have been left by themselves (sometimes my fault, sometimes not) and I’m desperately trying to get back to them, or that I’m involved in a police chase running away from a crime. For the record, neither has ever happened. I have never been able to figure why I have these nightmares. I’m also normally not able to fall asleep until I’m beyond exhausted. 😦 I hope this issue gets better for you.
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Ditto. Nightmares since childhood. The kind that stick with you throughout the day. I finally wore myself out and ended up on medication for extreme anxiety/panic attacks. Now I take a half a tiny little pill at night before bedtime and know how it feels to wake up rested and refreshed. I hate relying on a prescription, but it’s better than being miserable and causing misery in my household!
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I posted a comment last night talking about the role of serotonin in insomnia but don’t know what happened to it (?), but anyway, I was just on MSN and saw this article: http://health.msn.com/health-topics/sleep-disorders/sleeping-in-equals-nightmares?gt1=31060
So weird seeing that after reading this post and all the replies, as the insomnia and nightmares see to be common together…
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Hi Robin! Your first comment went into moderation because my settings catch comments with 2 or more links in them as they are usually spam. It’s here now, and I appreciate you sharing the info. with me. I’ll check it out. I suspect that in my case, it’s a bit more than this, which will be explained in my Part 2 post. 🙂
Sarah – Yes, we were designed to need sleep. It doesn’t mean I have to like it. Ha!
Janet – I’ve had those dreams too. Nightmares where you’re trying to reach your kids and can’t are some of the worst! 😦 And for the record, I’ve never committed a crime or left mine alone either. Only in my dreams. hehehe
Niki – You do what you have to do, right? Our pastor said something very interesting this morning. He said that fear is a spirit and you can’t wish or pray it away, you have to command it. I’d never thought of that before. I’m still thinking about it.
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Hey Niki-Just read part two, and yes, absolutely, I’m not saying that there may not be other factors playing a major role, but I would still HIGHLY encourage you to read that book. She actually talks quite a bit about how even things we think are “normal” for us (as they simply seem like personality “quirks” or issues) can actually be linked to a serotonin deficiency (i.e. being a perfectionist, controlling, having low self esteem, etc.).
And certainly, excercise, diet, getting enough natural light call all play huge roles in this is well (she actually talks about all of this in detail), but they are only temporary fixes (like you go for a run, which leaves you feeling great, but then goes away). And all the things you’ve mentioned as being contributors (basically sounds like you’ve had a lot of stress) are the kinds of things that completely sap aminos from your brain. And most Americans are not eating the best diet to help boost these brain chemicals, which is why I think there are so many people out there dealing with this.
And the book is only $10 on amazon, so super cheap! (And no, I have no affiliation with them whatsoever :-))
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or certainly, if you’re ever down here at the B&N by Park Meadows, I’d be happy to meet you for chai and bring the book over if you’d like to take a look ;-).
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Taj – Sorry, didn’t mean to leave you out. I know the Fibromyalgia messes up a lot of stuff. Glad to hear you’re doing somewhat better and getting on track again. )
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I am going to have to put some thought into that one. I am also a night owl, sometimes due to pain, but most of the time it is just that I can’t shut off the old thinker. I already know I am a control freak. I have been working on that for years and have made a ton of headway, but never thought of it actually being something affecting my sleep. I am going to process this one for a while, there may just be something there. I too have vivid nightmares and dreams and they are an example of a thought process I cannot control. Interesting.
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I used to have terrible nightmares, but once I started writing my dreams down, and asking God what they meant, the bad ones came less and the good ones surfaced.
I still have that dream where I find out I’m one credit short to graduate high school. That one comes when I feel powerless in some area. But it’s come less frequently as I resolve past issues and mistakes. Resolving an issue may be as simple as saying, “I did the best I could under those bad circumstances, I refuse to carry any more guilt and shame. I forgive younger Niki.”
I love Psalm 91 – especially verse 11. You might try reading that at night before bed. ❤
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P.S. As you know, I am also a night owl. 🙂 I believe that some of us are called to pray and intercede on the “night shift.” Some wake real early to pray. My only prayer in the wee hours of the morning is, “God, help me to stay awake and survive this early hour!”
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Robin – I’d love to meet you for a Chai and a chat. I’m at that Barnes & Noble by Park Meadows the last Tuesday of every month for my writer’s group. I can come early to meet you. I just reserved the book at the library and will pick it up tomorrow. Thanks for the recommendation!
Susi – Yes, you’re not alone. Let me know what you come up with as you process this. I didn’t realize how interesting the topic of sleep could be.
Jan – Yes, I do sometimes use that time to intercede for others and I’ve been thinking that the time right before bed needs to be focused on spiritual things instead of Facebook. lol I’ve been trying to avoid the computer right before bed, but I readily admit that I’m addicted to social networking, and if I use that time to read all of the blogs I want to read, I’ll NEVER sleep. BTW, I chuckled at verse 11 – “Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night.”
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