I just re-read my Mother’s Day post. I don’t want to leave anyone thinking I am ungrateful for my children, my husband, and the many mothers I have in my life. I am so grateful! In my drive to be authentic I didn’t want to gloss over the painful parts of the day and pretend they didn’t matter just because I need to be thankful for what I have. How many have been wounded by those kinds of remarks made by people with misguided senses of “helping a grieving mother focus on the good in her life”? I know the good I have. š
This was a busy, good, and difficult weekend for me. The weekend began with a fabulous start – dinner with the Captivating women and my gifts from Benny and the kiddos. Saturday was spent cleaning, praying, and thinking, then ended with our school talent show where my little drama king (literally) was absolutely wonderful. Max’s Drama class performed an assortment of vignettes and he played the part of King Philip coercing his best knight to slay a dragon. It was a comedy and Max was a natural. They were having some difficulties back stage with costumes, so his teacher had him throw in some silent comedy relief. The audience thought he was hilarious. š Watching one of my kiddos make a whole audience laugh just lifted my spirits to a new height for the day. It was great to watch the variety of talent displayed by the students and teachers of FACE. I am thankful for the role our school has played in our lives this year.
Sunday I sang with the band and worshipped at our church then enjoyed Benny’s grilled brats and the works. I spent the afternoon crying my way through P.S. I Love You. I know, it’s a girl thing. Women who know themselves know when they need a good cry and they find a way to make it happen. Mine is through a few select movies, and that is my current favorite “crying movie”. It lets me walk through grief yet also offers hope and healing. It was just what my heart needed. Then my family held our weekly ritual of watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition together and I cried all the way through that. My kiddos kept asking, “Are those happy tears Momma?” Some were, some weren’t. I had a pretty good crying headache going by the time I fell into bed last night. I am better today. š
I had a REALLY weird dream Friday night that is too long (and strange) to share here, but I woke up knowing that there was great meaning in it. I grabbed my Bible to see if I could discover the answer there and asked God to walk me through the revealing of the meaning. I found the answer in my heart and mind instead of in the written word. I love that God speaks to us in so many different ways. So without explaining the dream, here’s the meaning behind it. (This may help you understand my journey at the moment.)
There are things in my life that I am not passionate about, but have taken on for various reasons. Some because I am capable and gifted in those areas and some because there was the pay off of recognition for me. These things, while worthy of time and attention, are not meant for me and I’m not meant for them. By wasting my focus on these things, I’m taking away from my true passions and purpose and also maybe taking away the opportunity someone else needs to step into these roles because they were meant for them. Some of these things sort of dropped into my lap while others I created my own place in them or started them myself. But all of them must come to an end for me to be able to become who I am meant to be…who I WANT to be. My friend Wendy has a saying to explain one of the processes in her own journey. She says she can look behind her and see the big chunks of herself that she cut off along the way to fit into whatever mold others thought (or she thought) she was supposed to fit into. Part of her journey has been discovering what those lost pieces of herself were and becoming whole once again. She’s learning how to take up space and stand in her own skin. I love that. I can relate to that. I think I have been decieved into thinking I’m too much. I’m too loud, too opinionated, too emotional, too type A, you get the picture. I’ve cut big chunks of myself off to fit certain molds, then gone beyond that and sewn some extra ones on so I am a better fit. The truth is I’m trying to fit into the wrong molds and I’m done. Those extra pieces need to come off. I need to rediscover the parts of me that are truly me and fully embrace them. Here’s where it gets scary for me. I’m going to disappoint some people by taking off the excess. They’ve come to depend on me and I really hate letting anyone down. But one of the things God has shown me is that I’m not the only one that can do those jobs. He can raise up someone else and perhaps I’m even in the way of that someone else filling the role they were meant for.
I’m beginning a new phase of removing the pieces that aren’t mine to wear and trying on the pieces that were cut off over the years. It has a similar feel to trying on clothes, which I don’t like to do because it involves disappointment. But I feel a spark of hope, acceptance and joy in the process as well. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be anyone else. I don’t want anyone else’s job, life, gifts and talents, sorrows, or responsibilities. I want my own. I want to be me because nobody else can be. They can try, but they will fail, just like I’ve failed at being anyone other than me. It will be interesting to see what happens next.
These were my thoughts over the weekend. No wonder it was difficult.
Ok, making a third comment on your blog tonight – this spoke to me loud and clear. I’ve been working through some of these very same thoughts and issues in my life, and I appreciate your honesty and openness about what you’re going through. I needed to hear your words and your friend Wendy’s words too. Thank you…
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