Sometimes I Write

Do you still find yourself humming the love songs of the 80s and 90s? Do you still believe that every marriage should be between soul mates? But — do you wonder how you can succeed at love and marriage when the generation you grew up in didn’t? Marriage isn’t what it used to be-it can be better than ever. If you are a Gen Xer, your marriage has challenges and potentials that no other generation has known. A Gen Xer herself, Tricia Goyer offers realistic help to achieve the God-honoring marriage you long for. She includes:

~Ways to protect your marriage despite the broken relationships modeled in your youth
~Stories, suggestions, and confessions from fellow Gen Xers facing the “What now?” question of real-life marriage
~Advice from the ultimate marriage survival guide: the Bible
~Stats, quizzes, sidebars, and study questions related to this “relationally challenged” time in history
~Practical helps for negotiating kids, work, sex, money, and dirty laundry-sometimes all in the same evening

If you are part of a generation of adults who don’t want to bow to their culture or live and love like their parents did — this book is for you.

The assignment for this blog tour was to choose one chapter and talk about what a difference it, or the principle in it, has made (or will make) in my own marriage. I had a hard time choosing which chapter to focus on because they are all great topics! It finally came down to the one I’m currently struggling with the most. So let me tell you a little about the book, then I’ll dig in to the principle that has and is changing me.

Each chapter begins with the title or lyrics of a song from the 80’s. I love that creative touch, and brings back memories. Music was a big influence. As Tricia said, “It defined our times. I quote them not because they have the answers, but because they reveal our questions. Within their lyrics lie the thoughts, longings, hopes, and confusion of an entire generation. And within God’s holy word are the answers we sought then and still seek now.” A lot of marriage books cover the topics found in Tricia’s book, but not many of them do so with a focus on the struggles specific to Gen Xers. BTW, in case you’re wondering if you fit this category, here’s a quick generation breakdown.

GI: Born 1900’s to 1920’s

Silent: Born 1920’s to 1940’s

Boomer: Born 1940’s to 1960’s

Xer: Born 1960’s to 1980’s

Millenial: Born 1980’s to 2000’s

To say that we’re the only ones to face these struggles in the ways Tricia portrays, would be a gross miscommunication. She simply delves into some of the unique or new challenges the Gen Xers faced that effect our marriages now. If you fit in the other categories, I would still encourage you to read this book and apply some of the principles that transcend the generation gaps.

I chose Chapter 6: Intimacy, which begins with Peter Gabriel’s song, “In Your Eyes” (…I am complete.)

I LOVE that song. While your first thought might be that this chapter is sexual in nature, it’s more about making heart connections that count. Tricia and I have something in common in that we were both sexually active at a young age. That has had a lasting effect on our relationships and ultimately our marriages. Tricia stated, “As a generation, we learned to exist on the surface but not go too deep.” For some that meant keeping a safe distance from others, guarding our hearts. For some that has meant giving of our bodies, but not our hearts or our souls. Sexual but not intimate. There is a difference. You can be sexual with someone without connecting on a deeper level and sharing who you really are in the inner most parts of yourself. Even non-sexual relationships, people you’re friends with, can know only a “surface you” and not your fears and hopes and dreams for your life. That’s been my struggle for years. This chapter helped me think through the causes of that struggle.

When I was growing up, I didn’t see intimacy exemplified in the married relationships around me. I saw sex, fighting, abuse, and manipulation, and even tolerance, but not intimacy. Whether it was taught to me or I just picked it up by proxy, I learned that intimacy was sex. And since I knew I wasn’t supposed to have sex (remember I did everything but that) there wasn’t much of a chance of me learning intimacy. It didn’t bode well for my future.

In my friendships, I hid who I was so people wouldn’t know how crazy things were in my family, and because I didn’t trust them to care for my heart. Since I’m a people person, I’ve never struggled with making friends. But having lots of friends is not the same as having intimate friends. I didn’t just have one best friend. The “I can tell you my deepest darkest secrets and know you’ll never tell a soul” kind of friend. I had been hurt so many times and dumped by friends for various reasons, so I slowly began building walls of protection around my heart. Yet there was a war going on within me. I knew a voice that kept telling me to trust anyway, love anyway, risk anyway. My deepest desire was for intimacy even though I didn’t understand what that was. I fought for transparency and being real – a fight that continues to this day. Without that fight in me, I would never have experienced intimacy with my husband or some of the friends I have that are so dear to my heart.

In Mike Mason’s book The Mystery of Marriage, he writes, “The wedding is merely the beginning of a lifelong process of handing over absolutely everything, and not simply everything that one owns but everything that one is. There is no one who is not broken by this process. It is excruciating and inexorable, and no one can stand up to it. Everyone gets broken on the wheel of love, and the breaking that takes place is like nothing else under the sun… That is the vulnerable place in all human relationships. What is on the line, always, with every person we meet, is our capacity to love and to be loved. But whereas in most other relationships our vulnerability in this respect can be hidden, more or less (and how expert we are at hiding it!), in the relationship of marriage it is this very quality of vulnerability that is exposed, exalted, exploited. And this is the thing that can prove to be too much for people, too much to handle. Many give up and run away, their entire lives collapsing in ruins. But even those who hang on face inevitable ruin, for they must be broken too.”

As someone about to celebrate a 15th anniversary, I can tell you that statement is bursting with an uncomfortable truth. People like their privacy and the safety net that it creates. But I long to be known and to know others, truly know them. That desire has made me want to forfeit privacy and reach for the realness of deep relationships and to “wear my heart on my sleeve.” Some of the phrases chosen to give us a word picture of what transparency in relationships is sound so sexual but are still so appropriate. Nakedly open and honest…bearing all…revealing myself…engaging…sharing myself. I aim to do and be all of those things. Sure, there is fear and sometimes it results in painful exchanges with those who don’t understand or respect my choosing to live that way. But I continue to risk and fight for authenticity.

How does this translate to my marriage? I asked Benny this morning if he thought we were open in our marriage. His answer didn’t completely surprise me. He said it depends on what we’re talking about. We can talk about the easy stuff in life, but we tend to avoid some of the harder stuff. He said sometimes he’s afraid to bring up the hard stuff because I fight with him instead of simply having a discussion about it. ouch. He’s knows me so well. So now I know what I need to work on. I want true intimacy in my marriage, and if there is something standing in the way of that, I want to destroy it. I appreciate Tricia addressing this topic with candor and wit, and encouraging me to remove the layers, whatever they may be, to reveal my true self to my husband. I take that as an invitation to do the same with my friendships.

I am holding a contest on this blog as well as my Sex, Love, and Marriage blog, to win a copy of Tricia’s book. All you have to do to enter is leave a comment with either a title or a line from your favorite 80’s love song. Sounds fun and easy, right? The contest will only run for 5 days beginning today, April 3rd and ending Monday, April 7th.Tricia is also holding a contest on her blog:

Win a date with your spouse (whoo–hoo) Love Gen X Style!

Share your story and WIN a dinner for TWO to the restaurant of your choice! ($50 maximum) Tell us the story of how you and your spouse met. If you have photos, send those along, too! All the stories will be published on this blog. The winning story will be the one with the most comments…so tell your friends. A winning story will be chosen at the end of the blog tour and will be published in Tricia’s monthly newsletter! (Just think, you’ll be famous!)

Contest entry form for Generation NeXt Marriage blog tour!

For more information about Tricia Goyer and her other projects, check out her spaces on the web.

http://triciagoyer.com

http://genxparents.blogspot.com

http://triciagoyer.blogspot.com