Sometimes I Write

This morning at church, we remembered my friend Debbie’s son, SGT. Nick Turcotte, who was killed in Iraq on December 4th, 2006. He would have been 25 today. Click here to watch his memorial video.

I wrote Debbie a note telling her how much I loved her and how her smile is such an encouragement to me. I told her that when our eyes meet, I feel the bond we share as friends, mothers, women, and fellow travelers on this journey. I felt a kinship with her today that I didn’t feel a year ago. Sure, I know her a little bit better this year, but that’s not it. One of the painful lessons I’ve learned over the past month is that losing a child at any age is a horrible experience. It doesn’t matter if the child is 23 and a grown man, or just barely beginning to resemble a human during the gestation period. It’s a terrible loss.

Debbie’s grief is different than mine. She has held her child in her arms, dreamed about what he would be when he grew up, and wiped his tears away. She has sent him off to his first day of school and his first day of military service. She loved him up close for many years and from far away for the last months of his life. She was so proud of him and who he had become. She misses him and all that he might have been. She mourns her loss of the child she loved so much.

I never held my baby and I’ve only dabbled in thinking about who she/he might have become. I’ll never send them off to school or anywhere else and I mourn that loss. I will never feel pride for their accomplishments or wipe away tears of pain or defeat. I miss all that baby might have been and I mourn the loss of a child I didn’t know about until it was too late. A child I didn’t know I loved until I couldn’t have them.

This morning I wanted to say something comforting to Debbie to let her know she was loved and not alone. I thought about it for awhile and decided to say what I just told you. I don’t know her exact grief or where she is at in that whole process, and even if I did, we all grieve differently. I decided to say what I would want said to me.

People often don’t know what to say and even though most of the time their intentions are good, people say some really dumb things instead of remaining silent and risking the appearance of not caring at all. I’ve been there before too. I have really appreciated the response I received from my emails and my last blog post. I was encouraged by simple words of love and support. One of the best things said to me is that I can take as long as I want to process and grieve and talk through the emotions I’m experiencing. That has meant a lot to me considering how we (and I did say WE) tend to put time limits on how long we let people grieve a loss. We encourage people to mourn then get on with the business of living. Move on. Be productive. Don’t stay in the past. Sounds harsh, huh? It’s true – I’ve been having this conversation with people the past few weeks who have experienced this from people they love. Other people’s mourning makes us uncomfortable. It’s easier for us if they appear to get over it quickly so we don’t have to be uncomfortable anymore.

I’m not ranting here and if this is you (as it has been me) I want to help. So here’s my advice on what to say and do when a friend is grieving.

1. Tell them they are loved and being prayed for. Maybe even pray with them if they are open to it. Don’t be offended if they are not. For some, the grieving process is intensely personal and private.

2. Tell them that they are not alone and that you will be there to listen and be a shoulder to lean on or cry on if they need you.

3. Find something nice to do for them. DO NOT say “Call me if you need anything”. Find something that will help your friend out and just do it. Grieving people are not in the frame of mind to know what they need or to ask for help. Knowing their love language helps a lot at this point. Is it Gifts? A card or personal note, flowers, or some other token might be appreciated. Acts of Service? Making/ordering food in for them so they don’t have to cook for a few days. Quality Time? Make time in your schedule for a coffee date – possibly at their home if they aren’t ready to face the world yet. Physical Touch? Hugs and reassuring positive touch may be what they need. Words of Affirmation? This one is a little tricky. Refer back to #1. Tell them they are loved – maybe even what you love about them. Tell them their feelings are o.k. Here’s the key…remember it’s about THEM, not you.

4. When you fear saying the wrong thing, remember that sometimes silence is golden. Better to say “I’m thinking of you” and leave it at that then to have to spend time removing your foot from your mouth and hoping you didn’t make things harder on your grieving friend.

5. Keep it short and sweet. People who are grieving do not need to spend the extra energy trying to make sure you feel better when they are going through the healing process of losing a loved one. They also don’t need a lecture explaining all of the reasons they need to let go and heal. Be positive for them.

I want to stop short of what you shouldn’t say or do and end this on a positive note. There are a lot of things that fall in the category of Don’ts. If after reading this list you’re still puzzled as to what to say or do, then simply rely on the expertise of the people that work for Hallmark. 🙂

I complied this list based on my own experience and that of my friends who have lost husbands, babies, children, parents, and close friends. If you have any other advice you’d like to share, please join the conversation by leaving a comment. Thank you.