Sometimes I Write

“A sinful act involves worship of the wrong kind…Repentance is literally a transfer of our worship back to the One who rightfully owns it…Worship has been misunderstood as something that arises from a feeling which “comes upon you,” but it is vital that we understand that it is rooted in a conscious act of the will, to serve and obey the Lord Jesus Christ. The feelings, the joy of having been forgiven, follow on as a consequence of our reunion with him.” -Graham Kendrick

Michael sent this quote out this morning on our church email loop. He asked what worship means to us. Worship has been a touchy subject for most of my life. That sounds a little crazy, but it has. I grew up calling what we did on Sunday mornings “worship” as in “Get your butt in gear or we’re going to be late for worship”. It was a church service that to me was boring, stiff, and void of much emotion. I had a relationship with Jesus so I knew from personal experience that the Holy Spirit made me FEEL. I knew it wasn’t supposed to be all about the feelings, but surely it was supposed to move me in some way. I wanted it to challenge me to change something about my life not out of guilty feelings, but either conviction (there’s a huge difference between conviction and guilt – the first one comes from God and the second one does not) or joy of being and doing for the Lord. That was not my experience. Worship was all about the obedience of “not forsaking the assembly” and the command to gather to take communion on the first day of the week. We actually had an attendance roster with little check marks by those names who were present. They were keeping track of who missed church and who didn’t. I still don’t get that. Worship was a series of acts laid out in an orderly fashion to make sure we were doing what we were supposed to be doing. Worship was to be held a certain way with a certain kind of music and had to include certain activities or it was not worship. Whatever.

When I talk about my church growing up, you are getting my perspective as a child and a teenager who questioned everything and was left with few answers and some I didn’t agree with. As an adult, I’ve talked with others about how things were and have found that I’m not far off. I also revisited that church as an adult and little had changed since my childhood. Most of the people were friendly and loved me, so this isn’t about how everyone was so-so Christians. They were good people, but they were stuck in a broken system and content to stay there. It was mechanical and dutiful, not so much community driven and about relationships. To be fair, I haven’t been a part of that community in several years so I don’t know what if any changes are taking place. But when I was a part of it all, I felt like part of The Stepford Church. Now that’s a catchy title. Maybe I need to write that book. 😉 We all tried to look happy to be there. Smiles were in place and heads were held high, going through the motions. It was nice to see the people you loved there, but when someone was missing due to anything but travel or illness, there were those worried glances and whispers about praying for so and so and hoping they weren’t “falling away” from the flock. And we were THE chosen flock…or so I was told.

*Disclaimer: I’m still working through some forgiveness here, but please don’t think God and I haven’t talked about my attitude when it comes to some of His children thinking they’re the only ones saved.

I heard a preacher say once – not at my church – we should have the joy of the Lord flowing out of us and that people should be able to see it on our faces. From the looks of things, very few people at my church had the joy of the Lord. If they did, their faces hid it well. There were a few that hugged me and cared about me and gave me gum, but everything in general seemed so serious. It was like we were at a funeral so nobody should sing too loudly, the prayers should be filled with language we don’t use in everyday life, and the communion glasses needed to be filled just right with “the fruit of the vine” – not too full, but enough to get a good sip. Oh how I yearned for more. We don’t serve a God who wants us to keep our respectful distance. God wants us to climb up in His lap and tell him knock-knock jokes that He already knows the answer to and belly laugh with us. He wants to hold us when we cry and in Psalm 56 it says that He collects all our tears in a bottle and records our every misery. THAT is who I worship. Not just because of what He has done for me, but because of who He is. How often have you felt like He is the disciplinary parent and you’re just hiding what you did from Him so you don’t get into trouble? As a parent, I don’t want my children to view me that way and I don’t think God wants us to view Him that way either. Sure He disciplines us. We need it and it’s for our own good. But I don’t want to hear about ONLY that part of His parenting. Where is the balance in only hearing about how bad we are and that we’re lucky to be saved-IF we’re saved? That’s hard whether you’re an adult or a child. I wanted worship to be a time of sharing what God has done in our lives, a remembrance of who He is and what He’s done for His people. I wanted to sing loudly and proudly and proclaim the mutual love we have with Him. I wanted a whole glass of grape juice to myself and a thick slice of bread so I could remember that He was poured out on the alter for me and that His body was broken for me – not a little bit, but the whole thing. The passion of Christ was not boring or stiff or held back. It was full and complete and definitely not void of emotion. No, worship is not meant to be feelings, but it sure does evoke them. Worship is an act of obedience and honor – not just plain old shredded wheat, but the kind with frosting and covered in really cold milk.

I was not made to worship on Sunday mornings. I worship because it’s what I was made to do 24/7 – with all that I am and am becoming. My life is an act of worship. Sometimes it’s lame and stiff and not very pleasing, but I aim to make it bold and true, and full of Life. Like many others, I don’t want worship to be a forced emotional experience. I want it to be so natural that it isn’t just crammed into a certain time slot every week. When we do meet together – when I’m in my community of believers on Sunday mornings and every other time we get together – I want to be joined with my family and friends in a harmony of worship. Harmony is the blending of parts -“A pleasing combination of the elements that form a whole”. Your worship and my worship may look different, but the recipient should be the same, and worship should be who we are and what we do whether we’re gathered in a community of believers or not.

Back to our quote. “Reunion with Him” Yes. That sums it up. That is the point. Reunion with Him NOW, not some day in the future. Now. Worship. Service and obedience out of love. Joy from being forgiven. It all comes together and points back to Him.