We hadn’t seen each other for many months though we had both tried to be mutual encouragers through phone calls, blogging, and emails. I was so excited to see my friend and I’m sure he could see the joy in my eyes as we met and embraced in a warm hug. He hugged me hard in a way that told me he loved me and was glad to see me again. That hug was filled with protection, thankfulness, and prayer. We were brother and sister of faith finally meeting for a time of face to face encouragement. It was a long hug and somewhere in the back of my mind it suddenly occurred to me that anyone that saw it and didn’t know how close of a friend this man had become to me and my husband, they might get the wrong idea. I pulled away first and immediately felt a little shame. Not by the hug. By my pulling away from this man whose intentions were so pure and honorable. He’s one of my favorite people, and subconsciously I took a step of uncertainty away from him. I don’t think he noticed any weirdness from me, but I thought about that again when I read the Touch Hunger article.
Why has our society moved away from touching? Does it have anything to do with our overly sexualized culture? Is it a lack of training? Is it the fear of…what? Unwanted inappropriate behavior? Fear of rejection? Lack of concern for someone else’s need to be touched? What is it?
I was talking to my best friend Tawnya about the article and I told her it was no wonder we loved college so much. EVERYONE at York hugged all the time. Guys and girls alike. We were a small campus and for the most part, everyone knew each other and liked each other. Not that I hugged everyone on campus, but I was never lacking for physical contact with others. When I flip through pictures from that time of my life, I’m usually touching someone in the picture. I have photos of me and my friends hanging all over each other, me and my boyfriends holding hands or his arm around me, and one of my favorites is of me and my girlfriends laying on the floor making a zigzag pattern with our bodies. One girl’s head on the stomach of the girl behind her – several girls long. I always had physical touch in abundance. I think I was making up for lost time. It made me sad to read Tawnya’s comment on the last post about the lack of physical touch in her life. Jared too. And we’re all several miles apart. That stinks!
I am a touch hungry individual. I haven’t always been – especially after having babies and being touched constantly. I think I’ve volleyed back and forth on the issue. A lot of my touch hunger as a child came from the abusive family I grew up in. We were always hitting each other and getting hit for doing something wrong and sometimes not doing things wrong. (Short disclaimer – my Mom reads this blog and I want you to know that I’m not talking about her. She wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t usually the one doing the hitting. I love my Mom and it’s a little weird to write some of this stuff, but it’s all true.) I feared touch for a long time because it mostly came at a price. But I craved it in a healthy way. I know that my promiscuity as a preteen and teen is due to me seeking out the physical touch I wasn’t getting at home. Of course there are other things that caused that too.
Another interesting thing I noticed is that some of the touch hungry people I know are my friends that struggle with depression. I went to Benny to talk with him about it and get his take on things. He’s been depressed for the last few months and he told me that sometimes he’ll go a day or two that his only physical contact is wrestling with the kids and hugging them because I haven’t touched him. Ouch! I couldn’t believe it and I wanted to deny it, but I knew he was right. I’ll be working on that one, and I feel so bad that I wasn’t making the effort to give myself to him in that way. I have some soul searching to do regarding that as well.
So how about you? Are you one to pull away from a hug uncomfortably? When you shake hands with someone do you have a firm grip and look them in the eye or do you look somewhere else and use the “dead fish shake” as I like to call it? Are you a side-hugger (or A-frame hugger) so that chests don’t touch? We’re taught that in ministry classes and that my friends, will be in the next post. Do you touch people on the shoulder, hand, arm, or whatever when you’re talking to them? Are you a patter as in pat on the back? What’s in a hug for you? What do you offer others in a hug?
I’ll see my friend again this weekend, and all of next week. You can bet that I’ll be giving and getting lots of hugs. Long, pure, and hard hugs full of love and friendship. And also short, sweet hugs that say, “I believe in you” and “Atta girl”. The God part (Holy Spirit) in each of us recognizes Himself and rejoices with us in our reunions. It is sweet fellowship and life is good when that touch hunger is being fulfilled.
I never thought much about the hugs and hand shakes I give. I give a firm handshake and I like good hugs. My husband and I were just talking about this on sunday. He pats people on the back gives a good firm handshake usually and he also gives good hugs. Several times a day, I need a good hug. I guess I don’t think about hugs when I am depressed tho.
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It’s different for me. Our cultural stereotypes say that a man who desires physical contact beyond handshakes is either homosexual or has impure intentions. I think that goes mostly for “church,” but with a culture that is so sue-happy as ours, I feel like I have to watch myself.
I’d love to reach out and offer it more. I’m not one to pull away, but I find that most people (again, especially in the church) are. Often, it comes under the pretense of “protecting their marriage.” I think the church has become 21st century Pharisees on this. “I’m never alone with another person of the opposite sex.” “I always keep it to a warm handshake.” “I’m never with another man/woman when my husband/wife is not around.” Given, these are necessary for certain people who have had certain experiences, but I think it is a sham (and a shame) that they are propogated as “proper Christian conduct.” That’s legalism. Jesus was all by himself with the Samaritan woman at the well…
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I don’t know Jared…girl athletes don’t smack each other on the butt during games. We don’t play games like trying to hit each other in the groin area or “frogging” each other’s arms and legs. In the circles I’ve been in, a lot (not all) of the guys hug each other without fear of being labeled “gay” or a sex fiend. Atleast I think so.
As far as the legalism of touching in the church – youre mostly right. There are circumtances that call for the “never being alone with the opposite sex” rule. I think it depends on the people involved. There are always exceptions to “the rule”. I’ll blog about that in an upcoming post. I totally agree with you that not touching is propogated as proper Christian conduct – and that just stinks!!!
Great comments Jared! Let’s keep the discussion going…
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Bounced over here from kingjaymz on his recommendations, and glad I did. Great couple of articles on hugging and touch. We all need good healthy reaffirming touch. Babies do not thrive without it, and neither do we adults. Jesus was a hugger, and Paul told us to greet one another with a holy kiss, which has been thought to mean a good hug with a kiss on the cheek. Your post made me think about how we hug in my own church, which is very huggy – we all hug eachother, but in thinking about it, I’ve noticed that the hugs between women and men tend to be shorter, perfectly coinciding with the length of the actual greeting, as in “hi, how are you” and done…whereas with the women the hug will coincide with the greeting but then hold longer. I also find it interesting that when the men hug eachother they also pat eachother on the back – but when the men hug women, they don’t pat on the back. And when the women hug eachother, they keep their hand on the back and there is no patting either – though sometimes, if a women who is weeping is being hugged by another women then there is sometimes rubbing on the back during the hug. So while we all hug, there is a definite difference in how it’s done, dependent on the gender. Interesting. Now I’ll find myself observing in church on Sunday!
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Mugwumpmom – EXACTLY! And welcome! 😉
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I think maybe you and I have a lot in common. I think I too craved physical touch as a child/teen because of the abuse in my home that led me to also be promiscuous – always looking for “love.”
I am a hugger. I think sometimes though I get scared. I have given my husband plenty of reason to be insecure so I think I’m always “on guard” when giving another man a hug.
And the comment on your husband not getting touched by you in days? That sounds like us too.
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I have personal space issues: I don’t hug many people. Obviously my wife and kids are exceptions.
I don’t think this is a sign of childhood trauma or other psychological problems (I could be wrong); I just prefer not to touch people too much. I also don’t like standing or sitting too close to someone.
In fact, a lot of people encouraged me to go to med school when I was a teenager, but I rejected that as a career, just because I couldn’t handle the thought of a job that consists largely of touching people.
Having said all that, I tolerate people at church who want or need to touch. In fact, I was once kissed by a Middle-Eastern brother, and didn’t mind at all.
But I just thought I’d speak up for the quiet, hands-off personalities…
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I’m a little over-joyed and a little freaked. I had no clue so many people were coming to my blog and flowing through to other areas! Exciting!
Niki, when I reference “church” or “the church”, I never use it in the sense of a building. I mean a group of people, or the culture of a group of people. It may happen that these people gather in a building and stuff happens there too, which often makes things especially weighty, but I always mean “church” in a more relational (church) or mystical (Church) sense.
I can’t tell you the last time I slapped another man on the butt. Baseball is one thing, and there is coming a more growing acceptance of this in the general culture. Maybe it is just out here in the “Wild West” that there are still acceptance issues with that.
The culture I’m familiar with is one where men keep their distance for the most part and generally don’t have any real close friends. And most are still far too infected by “machoism” (I mean that in a non-Spanish/Latin American sense) to even think of putting their arm around another man’s shoulders.
You said: “As far as the legalism of touching in the church – youre mostly right. There are circumtances that call for the ‘never being alone with the opposite sex’ rule. I think it depends on the people involved.”
I said: “Given, these are necessary for certain people who have had certain experiences.”
You told me that I was only mostly right, and then you agreed with exactly what I said. Did you mean something different than how I took it, or did you think I meant something different than what I meant to communicate by what I said?
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…and your SuperMom blog’s fly is open.
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I hope you don’t mind my commenting here – I just clicked over from Jared’s blog!
Both your post and Jared’s have got me thinking for the first time about someone else’s need to be touched — I admit I’ve been a puller-away at church. But now that you’re talking about childhood issues, I can see that these hugs are more than just a standard churchy thing: they are highly valued by some people. Thanks for the eye-opener!
Re: men / women being alone together: I must disagree with the thought that avoiding this is legalism. Although we’ve never been in any compromising situation, my husband and I try to abide by this rule, believing that it falls under the category of abstaining from all appearance of evil. We’re not ridiculously picky about it — but I wouldn’t want to see my husband spending extended periods of time, say, alone at a single woman’s home for some kind of church meeting or something… it just doesn’t look good.
Okay, sorry for leaving an enormous comment on my first visit to your blog! Etiquette demands that I lurk for a while first… please excuse my bad manners!
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I totally agree that we are a society hungry for healthy touch. Great thoughts, Niki.
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My husband and I do foster care and for some of the kids we give them their first hug. Before we started fostering I taught for about six and a half years and some of those kids were also starving for affection and physical touch.
I went trough a period of time where I thought I knew better than God and got myself into a bad situation. When I got out of it I didn’t trust others or myself, so for someone to come into my space to give me a hug or any other physical touch would cause me to stop breathing. Even though it happened over eight years ago I was only recently able to forgive myself after being convicted by God for trying to hide and live in the past hurt. When I cried out to Him for help because I couldn’t stand on my own he gave me the greatest hug, then because I was at a women’s retreat weekend He gave me several more hugs through all of the amazing women there…and I was able to breathe through every one of them.
I am now fully available during every hug I give or receive. I now see hugs as God’s love sent to me through my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and God’s love sent through me to others. If other people start thinking that there is more to a hug than the love of God exchanged through our earthly bodies they are sinning for judging those in the embrace.
Thank you for bringing up this touchy subject.
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When I was in High School (public at that!), we were a very hugging bunch. I always had hugs from a large crowd of social misfits. We seemed to blend, because we were willing to overlook our differences. I was more of a hug person back then. I don’t know precisely when that changed.
I understand the “personal space issues” that Clumsy Ox mentioned. There are certain times when I don’t want that person touching me, and a hug would be greeted with a punch. I also reserve room in the personal space for relatives and the closest of friends, who have already passed the invisible test.
There is one man I know that has been overly touchy over the years. He caressed my hair the first day we met, and seems to think that now, 11+ years later, when I am married to someone else, that it is still OK, when it very much is NOT. DH and I have talked frequently about that, because I don’t want DH thinking that I welcome that advance. But I don’t want to be harsh to the person, and hurt his feelings and injure the tentative relationship he is trying to build with God.
DH helped me to see, as a man thinks, that this man is trying to fulfill the touch hunger he has, with women (like me) who are obviously and totally unavailable. It seems that he knows that there is no possible chance, and therefore, he doesn’t have to suffer the rejection of opening his heart.
So, now that I understand more, I am still not comfortable with touching or being touched by this person. Any girlfriend comes around, and I am the first to jump in with hugs. I guess it is somewhat about gender, but not all. It has become an invisible barrier, an aura of ill-feeling on my part toward this man. I don’t know that I want to get past that… may be that it is better to keep him at a distance.
I have always held a high place for holding hands, probably because hugs were so prominent. Holding hands was so much more tender and personal to me. Even holding hands during a prayer seems more close than a hug sometimes.
Touch is personal, and the “personal space” has to be expanded to allow others in.
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Several years ago, a close girlfriend of mine was accused of making a mutual male friend uncomfortable with her “excessive” touching. As I listened to him recount the story of her grossly inappropriate physical contact, I had to laugh. She touched him exactly like she touched me and pretty much everyone else with whom we associated!
I wondered why he was so put off by the same gesture that relayed positive regard and value to me. And it made me sad for him, that he was unable to accept that gift of warmth.
But since then, I have been much more keenly aware of others’ interpretation of “personal space.” Mine likely measures in milimeters while others measure it in feet.
I grew up in an openly affectionate household, so I have never felt shame over hugs, kisses, and cuddles. What a blessing! It saddens my heart to know there are children who grow up desperate for affirming touch.
I’m anxious to read your follow-up about ministry-appropriate physicality. I have thoughts about that issue as well….
Hope you’re enjoying Zenith. I wish y’all could be at Impact or even Cornerstone (where I will be head women’s counselor — scary!). Till I see you face-to-face, here’s an e-hug….
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