Sometimes I Write

That’s what has been blocking me with my blogs. I experienced this same fear some when we were in full time youth ministry. As a ministry family you live in a fishbowl. If it is for a church, then a lot of people think they are your boss because they help pay your salary. Realistically you can’t please everyone all of the time and that can create tension. I really don’t miss that part of church youth ministry. If you are living as a missionary the same thing applies, just in a different form. The safety net of the church is gone when you are supported by individuals who can pull their funding from your ministry if they don’t like something you say, do, believe, etc. We’ve already had a church group pull their financial support because they view us as no longer involved with their denomination. The irony is that 95% of our support comes from that same denomination whom we are very much involved with – just not attending there on Sunday mornings.

A few months ago I started worrying about money. It started with the email from that church letting us know of their decision to no longer support us and our ministry. I began to wonder if that was going to be the first in a line of people who lost confidence in what we are doing here. I’ve been working through and trying to let go of the bitterness that took root in my heart that day. It’s been hard. The short story is that my fears about losing more of our financial support began to spill over into my blogging. What if I type this? Who might I possibly offend? What if someone reads something I write and decides that I can’t possibly be a REAL Christian and rallies against me, or gets others to drop their support? I’m not trying to be dramatic here. I have two different ministry friends who have started anonymous blogs because they can’t truly be themselves on their regular blogs for fear of being fired for actually having ~gasp~ problems, questions about faith related issues, or even opinions that differ from the majority of their church peers. They also fear losing their influence with certain people they work with and minister to. For me, I think about those things, but it eventually comes down to money. That’s really sad. ~sigh~

I recently received some very prophetic words from a woman who told me some things I was crying out to God about. Things ONLY HE would know about. “Why would God care about my little blog?” I asked myself. Evidently He does. She told me I don’t have any reasons to fear. That God wants me to be honest and real on my blogs because that’s what people need. And so do I. Sometimes that means addressing some hard stuff. God is the one who has given me the passion and the means to share it, and as my friend Wendy put it – He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. (Or was that sheep? lol) Either way, He is my provider, my Jehovah Jireh. He is the one who moved the hearts of those on our financial support team to give to His work – not ours – HIS – the work HE has us doing. He has made it clear that in this situation, He is doing the providing and that our part is the being obedient to what He has called us to do. So whom shall I fear? The ones who could choose not to send their monthly checks, or the One who owns it all?

I will do my best to be obedient and to turn back to Him with my fears and inadequacies. I will move forward with renewed confidence because in Him I am quite capable of all that He asks of me. I will ask for forgiveness when I mess up, and I will give Him the credit for any wisdom that happens to flow from my mouth and fingertips. I thank Him for blessing me and giving me words to speak. I thank Him for the grace and mercy He offers to all who seek Him. I thank Him for His promises and I thank Him for speaking to me through people, music, and written words. If I’ll only stop and listen, He’s in everything and I can hear Him.

Tonight I’m reading Psalm 25.