I’m starting to see a correlation here between PMS and feelings of nostalgia. It’s sometimes painful, lasts for days, and in my case often happens simultaneously. I don’t mean to offend. I’m just speaking some truth here. I’ve been in touch lately with several girls I have mentored through the years. One is a mommy of three now and doing well – she started out a pregnant teenager in our youth group, Benny performed her wedding when many thought it was a mistake. It’s strange swapping mommy stories with her now but I love it. One is beginning college at ACU this week and I couldn’t be more proud of the young woman that she is. She is a world changer! One is searching out who she is and what she is meant to do – she has amazing possibilities opening up before her and boy is she overflowing with talent and charisma! Here’s the painful part…One is suicidal and I can’t seem to reach her. It’s been several months now since we’ve spoken. I don’t know how to help her from 5 states away and she doesn’t seem to be turning to me anymore. I pray there is someone else in her life that will love her and value her and show her how beautiful she is – though she won’t believe them. Pray for her and for me that I will do what I can, then carefully leave her in God’s hands. One is recovering from a very serious car accident and you’ve been praying for her. Thank you!
There’s another correlation on my mind as well. I’ve been visiting the blogs of some of my favorite speakers, preachers, and writers. All of them at one time or another, and in some cases- all the time, feel inadequate, feel fear, and some even have physical symptoms when they speak. These people were called by God to speak to the masses through sermons, seminars, and books, yet they suffer through it. So I’m not alone.
I received the flyer advertising my speaking engagement in OKC next month. I saw my picture on this professional looking flyer and burst into tears. I was completely overwhelmed and had to call a friend to calm me down. Talking is how I work through things and it was amazing to hear the exact same word come out of two different friend’s mouths when I know they don’t even know each other…AND they both said outloud, “Is this from you God?” before they told me what they were thinking. God is so good. Let me explain…
Those of you that have been here awhile have heard me say many times that I know I have the deep need to be heard. I used to cry out to God as a kid, teenager, and even many times as an adult that nobody listens to me. I told him that if He ever gave me a message to share (besides the obvious one about Jesus, duh!) that I would share it – if only people would listen. Really I share it whether or not people listen, but that’s o.k. too. It’s probably more truthful to say that I begged him for a message to share. I have been doing just that through the women he has placed in my life and through the girls he’s placed in my path to love on and mentor. Well, God has been shaking me up, molding and shaping me to do this on a bigger scale…preparing me for this very moment and now that it’s here, I’m scared to death! Will my fear stop me? Ofcourse not! But satan sure is enjoying trying to tie me into knots…whispering to me that I’m not worthy of being asked to speak, that who am I to speak on beauty, and many other little nasty lies I’m fighting off. I’m not fishing for compliments here, o.k.? I’m trying to share my heart as openly and honestly as I can to help me defeat and deflate the enemy and the hold he aims to have on me.
I have repeatedly emailed friends requesting prayers for this, and a small part of me wants these women I’m going to speak to to think that I’m a professional and totally amazing without a fear in the world. So much for being REAL huh? The naked truth is that I’m only worthy because God has put it on my heart and in my path to do this. He has been wooing me and showing me my true beauty for the past year, and I’m falling in love with Him in a way that I’ve longed for my whole life. He could choose a tall skinny blonde woman with a sweet southern drawl to speak the same words, but he chose me…5 foot seven, overweight, red-headed with a temper and a mouth to match. And I know I’m beautiful. That just sounds crazy.
Have you ever heard it said that it is not failure that we fear, but success? We don’t do ourselves or anyone else any favors when we try to dim our own lights so we won’t stick out among the crowd. I was made to stick out. I know it, God did it, and I’m trying to accept it. Even if I’m never asked to speak at a big function again, I know I have found my voice, and I know others are listening, and I know I’ll never stop speaking the message God has for me.
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit – fruit that will last…” Matthew 15:16
Nikki:
God has always used “the least of these” for his good work! Gideon, Ruth, Rahab, even Jesus… a nobody… the son of a carpenter… with unimpressive looks and a questionable beginning at best. (I mean, no one had heard of immaculate conception back then!)
You have been chosen by God THROUGH the ladies at the church in Oklahoma.
Pray that you will send them the message that they need to hear. And, I will pray that God give you tenfold spirit to deliver that message…
You are speaking to these women not because you are qualified, but because you are justified, sanctified and purified! Tell them all about it!
I hope to see you there!
-Jennifer-
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I just stumbled across your blog and I wanted to let you know I’ll be praying for you in regards not only to your speaking engagement…but also about the girl who you’ve mentored who you feel you can’t get through to. Over the years I’ve mentored a few girls and right now I’m mentoring one that really has me questioning ‘why me?’.
I’m going to commit to praying for you, eventhough we don’t know each other, because I really believe in the power of prayer, and besides we share the same name, so it should be easy enough to remember you. 😉
God bless you today and thanks for sharing your thoughts, and like your friend jennifer said, God will give you what it takes to deliver your message. We often question ‘why me’, but its usually then that God’s plan can be glorified, because we know its NOTHING that we’ve done. So go on out there and glorify God, you got a sister in Christ up in Canada praying for you and by the sounds of it, tons more ‘down south’. 😉
Niki
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If you feel unworthy, just imagine all of the other women nak… No, that’s something else.
🙂
Don’t worry about it. When I’m speaking “God’s truth” I feel a difference in my body and a confidence that I know comes from the Holy Spirit. Hopefully you’ll fell that too.
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I’m sure she’ll fell that Dustin. She’ll fell that ver much. 😉
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Nikki:
I look forward to hearing you speak, not only because you have a message, but you have a gift. You can put into words what others are feeling, but don’t dare to express. I see this in your writing, and I know that if you only stood at the podium and read slowly something you have written, it will touch the hearts of those who hear. Besides, I would love to put a face and voice with the words I have read.
We are not called to be perfect, we are called to be forgiven. I am only 5’4″, and overweight, and Satan is working the depression and lies into my psyche too. Even if we are not the “beauty” we see in magazines, we are still created in God’s image, and Satan hates us for that.
Just remember that even Moses asked God if He was making the right choice, and he led the masses across the Red Sea. This is just a little visit with Sisters. God will provide the confidence to speak His word.
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Thank you all for the votes of confidence. Dustin – you’re a nut, but I like you that way. Michelle – I look forward to meeting you too…one can never have too many friends. Jennifer – where have you been all my life? oh yeah, we already had that discussion. Niki – welcome to my blog…Jennifer is Canadian too! Jared – as always, you’ve got my back! 😉
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Niki, you have a message to communicate and always have… you’ve just needed the time to let that message develop, grow and evolve enough so that you would be ready to share it effectively.
Back when I was doing a lot of speaking it was suggested to me that you should leave your ego at the door and let God speak through you.
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