I have a really thick skull sometimes. I run myself ragged trying to “do life” and for what? I come to a place where I can barely function for a few days. And I do mean barely function! I let the kids have cereal for breakfast and lunch so the 6 year old can be in charge and I don’t have to cook. I have a nice stack of DVD’s lined up on the counter so the kids can rest their brains for the day ( Max is also an expert at our entertainment system) while I mope around the house, periodically dropping onto the couch to veg and zone out. No I don’t read, or blog, or listen to music – all the things I love – I just stare off into space and ponder life and how I’m lacking as a mother, wife, friend, and believer. I occasionally chase the kids outside for some exercise…just one more thing I’m sucking at. Yeah, satan is kicking the crap out of me right now.
I’m thankful that these spells of depression are few and far between and that generally I’m a normal person. I know, normal is as normal does. (thanks Forest!) I’ve been reading a book with a friend, Women Who Do Too Much, and I see myself all over every page. I’m a supermom – I can do it all. I can balance and spin an unbelievable amount of plates all at once. But is that good for me? Sometimes I don’t just let them fall – I grab them out of the air and send them smashing against the wall. I always thought being a multi-tasker was a good thing. I know sometimes it is, but when did I start multi-tasking in superspeed? When that happens life makes me dizzy and I want to scream to get off the ride. That’s when I have a day or two like I did this week. In general I’m not overcommitted to anything as far as scheduling – except for this morning.
I signed up to set up candles before worship for the month of August, then Benny and I were scheduled to teach the 4-5 year old class today. I also sang with the worship band…except they had to come and get me from class when it was time and nobody remembered. By the time Josh came to get me and we made it back to the worship room, the band had begun the first song. I was flustered as I walked up to the front and took my place behind my microphone, got my breath and jumped right in. Some would call that me being professional…I was internally dismayed that I had let that get out of hand. I asked the teaching coordinator to take my name off the teaching list. I had signed up before I auditioned for the worship team, and now it’s just too much and my heart leans towards the singing over the teaching. I don’t care if other people have juggled both before – I can’t.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when I let myself be emptied out without filling myself up again. This week is going to be recovery time, then Benny is going to Chicago for the weekend to speak at a youth event there. While he is gone I’m taking the kids to Buena Vista to stay with his parents for a few days and I’m going to rest and refuel BY MYSELF…well…me and the dog. I can hardly wait. I’m also going to be focusing and preparing for my talks next month at the retreat. satan would love to keep me tired and busy and empty. Too bad for him – jerk!
An old Acappella song just came to mind so I think I’ll share the words, and thank you God for the reminder! You’re too good to me! 😉
RESCUE
Lord You know everything I’ve done
Every thought I’ve had, You know every one
And Lord You know every time I fall
Still You come to my rescue when I call
Lord You hear every idle word,
Every thoughtless deed, how it seems absurd
That Lord You give, not what I am due
But mercy; You come to my rescue
You come to my rescue, rescue (x4)
Lord You care and You’ve become my friend
Amazing love whose boundaries have no end
And Lord You show what a greater love can do
By being there for my rescue
And Lord I give all I can give (all my heart)
All of my heart as long as I shall live
So Lord, oh Lord, I just want to thank You
For coming, coming to my rescue
You come to my rescue, rescue (x4)
It’s hard to tell You just how grateful I am
But I’m still gonna make it show.
With every breath gonna let You know
I am accepting though I can’t comprehend
How I could be worth the cost When I was bound, despised and lost
Lord I give all I can give (all my heart)
All of my heart as long as I shall live
So Lord, oh Lord, I just want to thank You (I really want to thank you)
For coming, for coming to my rescue
You come to my rescue, rescue (x2)
He is always there for me (rescue, rescue)
And he’ll be right, right there for you (rescue, rescue)
Oh Lord I know I don’t deserve it (rescue, rescue)
But you love me anyhow (rescue, rescue)
You come to my rescue (rescue, rescue)
Keep on coming to my rescue (rescue, rescue)
Sometimes I Write 
Niki,
My heart has just been aching for you over the past few days…so many things on your plate…so many burdens on your heart…so many exciting possibilities ahead of you. Wow!!
May God give you the stamina to do the things you must and the insight to pace yourself wisely, for the journey is long and the courage to say “no” occasionally!
BTW, mentioning “Rescue” brings back memories. The fist time I ever saw Acappella perform was in Pueblo…I was 1983ish, which is quite a long time ago.
Blessings to you and yours,
-bill
LikeLike
Niki, You are in my prayers and on my heart. I wish I was there to babysit for a few hours (or days). Or just to drink some chai and chat. In fact, we should start a group, or maybe a business called “Chai and Chat”. Anyway, I love you and I really wish we were’nt so good at playing phone tag and that we were better at actually getting ahold of one another. Please call my cell when you get a chance.
LikeLike
Oh honey!!! I have been there! My philosophy now is to do a few things well as opposed to a lot of things half-a**ed! Also, I am learning to take time to BE with God & then to Do for God (and not BE God) Remember: even Jesus went off by himself to pray & be with His Father during His ministry.
Doing too much, even if it seems like it’s all good stuff, can burn you out & God wouldn’t want that – that would be from Satan. I pray that you will be able to cross a few things off of your list & enjoy some of God’s peace.
OK – lecture over 😉 Hang in there! You’ve got my prayers!
LikeLike
Niki,
So…once I go back to PT (September, babay!) I will have Mondays and Fridays freed up again. My son will be with me, and save for drop-off/pick-up times for school, will have time to pursue relational things again. We should do like a weekly/semimonthly/monthly meet in Boulder or some other midpoint and have coffee/McD’s (for the kiddos) and some Bible study or something where the Lord can fill us up too!
I sooooo hear you on this whole post though, and “this too shall pass.”
LikeLike
I like the saying “This too shall pass.” It reminds us of an ending point. But, I freqently add to the end of that saying, “It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.” Sometimes the process feels as painful as passing one of those, and the end date of the passing isn’t always in view.
Keep on keepin’ on. I have learned the lesson that Beaner spoke of. I would add to that this one thing, though. One of my favorite quotes is from one of my favorite professors from Multnomah Bible College. Dr. Garry Friesen, when talking to us about our Pentateuch class projects, would say, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” You may get a C for what you turn in, but it gets done. He always said that because he knew that there were many things competing for our attention during finals week. When you can’t escape the many things, do what you can do and God will honor that.
I am praying for you. Stay strong in Him. And remember, 3 days on their butts watching TV while a responsible adult is around is more attention than a lot of kids in the US get on a daily basis. Besides, I’m sure it is good for your kids to get some rest too. I remember times like that from my childhood with gratefulness.
Blessings.
LikeLike
Wow! We walk this path together, too, sister/friend.
Know that I am praying for you and for refreshment. May our God and precious Father rescue you again and again until you recognize His touch before you begin to “throw those plates”.
Hope today was a better day.Sending a hug!
LikeLike
I love that old song!
Sweet Niki~saying another prayer for you right now. Rest in the truth that God is shaping you from the inside out and is totally committed to your motherhood and to your children. His fingerprints are all over you and kids can’t grow up with a mom seeking God as you do without wanting to check Him out for themselves. So all the important stuff is in place. Get some rest. Refuel. And know that He has is all under control.
Love you!
LikeLike
Hi there…
If you want to know more on how to START making money online visit my blog at http://www.journey2ecommerce.blogspot.com . I’m not saying big money but you’ll know how to start making some money online.
regards,
Ken
LikeLike
Hey Niki,
Just wanted to add that I totally get what you mean about Satan wanting to steal our refueling time. He tried really hard to rattle me on my trip, but my God shield was up and he slid off my teflon!! I still managed to feel refreshed in the midst of all the ‘dysfunction’ roiling around me. God is so ever present and faithful. May you be filled with the springs of His holy joy and peace.
peace+
kiersten
LikeLike
I believe the Lord is really the only multi tasker who can keep up with it. When we take on too much, we are not giving our best.
Many times I have done this, then had major burnout. This is when I take time off, just like you are doing, and ask Heavenly Father what He wants me to be doing.
He knows your heart, and your limitations.
God Bless
LikeLike