We all face temptations in our lives. It’s very possible there are those out there who have never been faced with strong sexual temptation. If so, email me so I know one. I’ve been thinking about this post in particular since the beginning of this sex talk. I want to have and demonstrate integrity with my friendships, so I share mostly from my own experiences.
When Benny and I started dating, my temptation to get bored and move on to another boy ended. I would no longer see a guy that was cute and think, ” I wonder what it would be like to be his girlfriend…I wonder if he’s a good kisser..etc.” Because that happened often in high school (not so much in college) I almost expected it, and when it didn’t happen, I thought that was my sign that Benny was the man for me. Still, I kept waiting for the old feelings of temptation to come. It wasn’t constant or anything, but now and then I’d think, “Wow! It’s gone. I’m free.” I know the verse in 1 Corinthians well, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” I was so sure that I never would. I was a Christian after all! I wore the big “C” on my chest proudly, owned a big pink Bible and a good highlighter, and I could quote scripture fairly well. Putting it into practice was my challenge – not that I spent a lot of time dwelling on that. I didn’t see that shortly after we married, we began getting careless in tending our little “love garden”.
We moved to a new state where we didn’t have any friends. Benny worked nights and I worked days. Our financial lives were a mess before we got married and just worsened when we combined our financial ignorance. We got depressed. We fought. We threatened divorce and brick by brick began building a wall between us. My job was stressful and what made things worse was it was intertwined with our church. The things that should have been binding us together were tearing us apart. Our views of sex were so skewed, and I had begun adding more weight to the extra pounds I had already gained from my absence from sports and the loss of my virginity. We were spiraling out of control and like many disillusioned young women, I began to think I had made a mistake and married the wrong person. Surely God wanted more for my life than what Benny and I were stepping in.
Enter Satan…and Matt.
Matt was one of my boyfriends in high school. We lived a few hours away from each other, so we were “dating” as well as two 16 year-olds could long distance – lots of hours on the phone. No physical contact other than the day we met on a greyhound bus. I was traveling to a youth rally across the state. We met and “fell in love” in a matter of 3 hours. Over the next few years of my life, Matt was my lifeline to reality from the hell I was living in. We talked about everything and though he wasn’t much of a believer, I was sure I could convert him. (I don’t recommend missionary dating – it’s a farce.) When I finally got to college I sort of left Matt behind. The distance was enormous and I was meeting all of these cute college guys. But somehow Matt always seemed to pop back into my life when I most needed him. My mom was hospitalized and we thought she was going to die…Matt called. My boyfriend in college decided we should “just be friends”…Matt called. The night I lost my virginity and was an emotional train wreck, Matt called. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
I should have seen it coming. I would never cheat. I know firsthand the consequences of straying and divorce and I was never going to join that little group of statistics. Matt cared about me. He would never try to break up my marriage! That’s ridiculous! Well, as my nights were long and Benny was absent, I got lonely and bored. He was so distant and he wasn’t meeting my needs. I was ripe for the picking. Matt popped back into my life once again. My former-debate-star-boyfriend was just finishing up law school and about to get married. Seems harmless enough. We began having long phone conversations comparing our significant others and their charms and quirks. It was so gradual that I was blinded to what was coming. Our conversations took on an intimate tone as we revisited the old days. One day he told me he wanted to come and get me and bring me back to his state and make me his wife. All I had to do was say the word and he would completely change his future plans for me. Satan knew EXACTLY what to say to me and he used Matt to do it. Matt’s family was wealthy and I grew up without money…he offered me the world, telling me I would never want for anything again. (Benny and I were suffocating in our debt.) He lovingly told me that if my husband loved me_______. You fill in the blank, he probably said it. He made me feel wanted and sought after – something EVERY woman needs to feel. I had never felt so tempted in all of my life. The battle within me was raging! What should I do? I was tired of fighting. I wanted an easy life.
Twelve years later I am happily married…to Benny…the man I always wanted and needed. During my brief emotional affair, I was completely blind to my part of our struggles and blamed them all on him. I decided that since he wasn’t meeting my needs, I wouldn’t bother trying to meet his. I am incredibly grateful that I made the right choice and ended the affair though it was painful to do so since I was in deep. I am even more grateful that Matt and I were never sexually (physically) involved…though Satan arranged for that too. Don’t think for a second that just because we didn’t consummate the affair we didn’t do anything wrong. I had promised my heart to Benny and had carelessly given it away once again…old habits die hard. The affair ended as it had begun-with a phone call. I thanked him for being there for me during the most difficult moments of my life, then told him that I never wanted to speak to him again. I told him even though I loved him, I was ashamed that I had so easily given up on my marriage and that I knew deep down that Benny and I could fix things. I told him that I needed to be right with God and my husband and I couldn’t do that while I had any contact with him. What he said back to me doesn’t matter anymore. I asked him not to call me again…which he didn’t honor. I refused contact and gradually released the feelings I had developed for Matt. It was HARD!
James describes the progression of sin that we fall into. He says, “Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. These evil desire lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. So don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters”. (James 1:14-16, NLT)
I just gave you a word picture and put a face on a particular sin. I thought I was standing strong and I would not have fallen in a full frontal attack. I believed I was prepared. Satan knew the frontal attack approach wouldn’t work so he found the chink in my armor and struck me there…hard…and I fell. It was a long, painful, dirty battle, but I survived, my marriage survived, and I am restored and redeemed.
So why share all of this with you? I didn’t set out to have a series of posts about sex. It just happened and I have been feeling God pushing me along through the hard stuff. God has blessed it, and blessed people because of it. God is so good. I have received some great feedback which is nice. But more important than the “atta girl” emails and comments are the ones that expressed their own struggles with sexual sin and the gratefulness for God’s mercy on them. Christians aren’t perfect. I’ve never met one who thought they were. Most of us are too hard on ourselves and all of us are prone to sin.
When I look back over that horrible time, I can clearly see when God gave me ways of escape and I chose to ignore Him. My desires were stronger than my faith, and faith wasn’t truly my desire. Once again I want to warn about guarding your heart. It has a mind of its own sometimes and the great tempter loves that. I have firm boundaries in place now that I know that I’m not above temptation. That was quite a revelation for me. Silly, huh? So what do you think so far? Can you relate? Did you think you were above temptation too? Are you recovering from a painful past? If you have, have you used it to try to help someone else avoid your mistakes? Are you plagued by fear and the knowledge that someone may find out your little secret and harshly judge you or deem you unfit to lead? I’m no longer plagued by fear, but I have friends who are.
If you’ve known me for a long time and are just hearing these things for the first time, you’re probably shocked. I was discussing this post with a friend from camp this week and she had no idea. She was a former youth group member of ours. She said she had never suspected anything because Benny and I have such a strong marriage now. Friends, that’s another one of my points. God can bring healing and restoration to your marriage after an affair. It’s possible. We do have a strong marriage, but we had to work hard for it. I am so glad we did! It is my hope that my testimony will help or challenge someone else. I’m not ashamed to share it anymore.
I’m still putting together a resource list and will post it soon. Let me know of any you’d recommend.
Marriage is so hard–and there’s gobs of temptation–but God’s blessings for avoiding temptation and doing the hard work is so wonderful!
Thanks again for sharing your story–I would have never guessed–but I believe God will use it to help others!
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Well, I’ve not commented much lately, but I’ve been here looking in on this conversation from time-to-time.
You, dear one, are a beautiful soul. Because of your transparency, the light that is in you is shining brightly for all the world to see. I thank God for your honesty and candor. Because of your words many will have an opportunity to know some of these things well in advance of hour of testing.
May God’s incomparable grace be your comfort and stay,
-bill
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BTW.. i love your blog… keep posting ok?! LOL
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I have been where you were, but my affair went “all the way” and lasted for 2 years. THAT was hard to break away from & I am still suffering from all of Satan’s lies, but my husband & I are recommited to each other & have worked hard to repair our marriage during this last year. I don’t want to EVER do that again, but I am not too dumb to think Satan won’t try there again.
Here’s something I’ve done to protect myself: I never want to be in a room alone with another guy. Period. I also don’t ever want to serve in a ministry with another man who is not my husband if there are no other women around. My lover was the Teen Minister & I was working with that ministry. We shared something that I didn’t share with my husband – experiences, inside jokes, etc. When we were together we would share stuff about our spouses & then complain about them. That’s an instant recipe for disaster. NEVER complain about your spouse to a member of the opposite sex!!!!!!!!!
That’s a small bit of what I learned, but for us women especially, it starts with our heart & emotions & hooks us from there! Thanks for sharing this – and for all your kind comments when I was going through hell last year!
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Hey that was a brave post. Thanks for being honest. We need to keep the discussions about these things ongoing. It is a tough battle to fight. Enjoyed spending time with ya at Zenith. Hope to see yall soon.
Chris
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Thank you all!
Beaner, I expected as much by how you were posting last year. You gave VERY good advice here! I am in a position at camp that I am surrounded by Godly men that I love. I decided a LONG time ago that I would look at them as younger brothers (since I’m older than most of them). As much as I feel safe with them, I keep my safeguards in place anyway…never alone behind closed doors, always within earshot of others, etc. I’m not even remotely tempted by any of them and would be horrified if any of them thought I’d ever be interested in them or if anyone else thought that either. I love them all and I pray for their marriages and future wives. I’m glad you found words of kindness from a stranger when you needed them. God is so good! I hope others will learn from our mistakes and avoid the pain we’ve been through.
Chris~ as one of the above mentioned “brothers”, I am thankful for your friendship. I really do pray for you and the guys and I’m so thankful that ya’ll treat me like a sister. If any of the other guys read this, I hope it doesn’t make them feel wierd. Thanks for commenting!
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I’m praising God this morning for the mighty work He has done/is doing in you. Your inner beauty and strength is such a testimony to His love and power. I’m SO thankful God has brought you into my life.
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Being tempted – physically and emotionally – has helped me… it has helped me clarify what I have really wanted from my relationships and helped ‘save me’ from my fears and insecurities.
I don’t believe that my self-discipline grows by removing temptation. Sure, you won’t eat chocolate if it’s not in the house, but my spiritual path is about deliberately and consciously not choosing the chocolate… For me, building my capacity to choose the carrot rather than the chocolate means that I’ll be able to choose the carrot juice rather than the iced chocolate when I’m out too, where the temptations, risks and point-of-sale devices are at their most dangerous.
I am grateful for each of my affairs… those relationships that I used as an escape from my challenges rather than facing my real problems. For each of those people who helped me realise just how far short I was falling.
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Niki, I’m amazed by your honesty everytime I read your blog. Especially since you don’t hide behind anonymity here on blogger. I wanted to recommend THE MARRIAGE BUILDER as a book on your resource list. It was a very biblically based book that changed my perspective on marriage and what haveing a Christ-centered marriage means. I think you’ve inspired me to blog about some related topics that I’ve been dealing with, thinking about and praying about.
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I’m sorry, I had to come back and comment on Daniel’s comment. I couldn’t comment on it the first time because I got angry and had to think about what I really wanted to say. I think the food analogy was what really got me because when they tell you to change your eating habits, the first step is always getting rid of the bad stuff. You are SUPPOSED to chunk the chocolate and stock up on the carrots. That’s how it works. I don’t think God tells us to man up and be the strongest temptation fighter in the world, He tells us to flee temptation and that when we are weak, He is strong. See, if I’ve decided to eat well, but don’t get the chocolate out of my house, I may choose the carrots for a time, but when I get weak through physical exhaustion, mental fatigue or emotional slump, I’m going to eat the chocolate if that’s available. I believe He gives us the strength to throw it away when we’re feelign good, so that it won’t be there when we aren’t . He knows we are fleshly and we listen to our self when we get down, stubborn or angry. And again with the food, the longer you eat the good stuff, the more you lose a taste for the bad. When I gave up sodas for four months, I was sure that on the day I started drinking them again, I would be thrilled, but instead, it tasted horrible. I had cleansed even the desire for one out of my system by abstaining for so long. You prepare for the “real world” tempatations by developing in yourself a hunger, or taste, for the divine. The bank tellers are not able to spot a counterfeit bill by studying counterfeits but by studying the real thing for so long that the minute they see a counterfeit they can name it a fake and reject it. Our spirits work the same way. If we study the Real long enough we learn to identify so much with that that we kick out the lie when we see it. But if we keep ourselves inundated with the lie, with temptation, with risks, we lessen our ability to identify the true from the false. I don’t think we are supposed to play Russian roulette with our spirits.
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Your story is ample cause for us to sit up and take notice that we need individual, one-on-one, discipleship from older wiser believers in the way of Jesus, Paul, and Peter. Having another person of the same sex, older in the faith, and older period, in a committed relationship for the purpose of nurturing your faith and your heart, instructing and couseling in wisdom, and providing loving, non-judgmental accountability is the elephant in the room of the modern church. I have been a Timothy in search of a Paul for going on 4 years. I have been fortunate to avoid the stumbling blocks that you have, but I have tripped at a full-fledged run over my own. I am not the kind of guy who wants to show up to an accountability group so that I can tell a bunch of other men that I didn’t view porn or beat my wife last week. I know it is more than that, but it feels that way because I feel like I am being cheated out of what I need to really grow. I have sought discipleship from older men, so I am not just saying it is all the churchs’ fault without giving it a go.
Peace, love, and blessing to you and Benny as you press on toward the goal, as a unified, one-flesh team.
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KingJaymz – I’m right there with you. Ive had to be very deliberate in seeking out the Titus 2 older women to mentor me. There were none just hanging around waiting to help me grow. It’s hard for me to not be bitter towards the church as a whole…though I know we’re ALL fallen. I encourage you to keep looking and I’ll say a prayer for you that God will provide your “Paul”. Thanks so much for your kind words and taking the time to leave a comment here.
Daniel- Should you stop back to read this I wanted to address your comment as well. I don’t know your spiritual path, where you have been or where you are going. I can only assume that by affairs you really do mean you were already involved with someone when you got involved with another someone. I would bet that the people you cheated on and with wouldn’t feel glad that they “helped” you in your path to being able to purposefully choose to do right. I’ll bet they just felt betrayed and used. That’s hard pain my friend and I hope you aren’t treated the same way when you think you are in love.
Being able to turn away from temptation is a good thing, but how does it help to keep it dangling in your face? My guess is that you’ll bite the forbidden fruit more often than not – being able to occasionally resist is no reason to pat yourself on the back.
If you are using relationships as an escape from your life’s challenges(your words), I would encourage you to find another escape or find a way to “man up” and deal with life as it comes. Using people for your own means is a selfish way to live – whether you’re a believer or not. There is a moral code even if you aren’t a follower of Jesus Christ. I suggest you check it out.
I agree with Jennifer, but it’s lost on you if you don’t believe.
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Thanks for your thoughts and feedback… sounds like I hit more of a chord than I’d expected. A few people seem to have misunderstood me.
I have gone down many wrong paths and done many things that I regret, hurt many people that I wish that I hadn’t hurt.
I believe that God has worked to get through my thick skull in the only way that I was able to learn… and had been paying the price for turning away from Him ever since.
I regret every one of those affairs but I am still grateful for them. I regret the pain that I have chosen to experience. I am still grateful that my pain has led me to the place of love that I enjoy today.
jhart: You only chose to give up soda because you had experienced soda. Most people love the forbidden fruit until they can realise that it is bad for us. If you can tell the difference and not be tempted at all, more power to you! Personally, I feel called to choose every day to follow God, to deliberately and consciously be in relationship with Him, rather than to let it be a habit. Likewise, always looking at ‘real’ bank notes without having ‘fake’ notes to contrast with them leads a person to believe that they’re all real. That’s the problem that cradle-born-Christians often face, as reflected by the decline of the traditional Churches throughout the world – people got into the rut of tradition rather than keeping the spirit of personal relationship alive.
My path is filled with mistakes and flaws, and I don’t suggest that you should follow. Perhaps it’s self serving, but while I wish that I hadn’t learnt to enjoy the taste of beer, I’m grateful that God has helped me realise that I don’t like the taste of it, and that today I am free to choose.
Niki: As far as I’m concerned, you should listen to God’s guidance in every moment. Today, I know that God is; from that point, I found everything else follows. Those people did feel hurt, used and betrayed, and I have done my absolute best to repair the horrible damage that I caused… indeed I still am. But the path to healing is from forgiveness – forgiveness of others and forgiveness of yourself. I condemn my past behaviours, though now have great compassion for those that make grave errors and mistakes. I can love and accept someone who errs because I know how far short I fall… not the superficial ‘forgiveness’ and unconditional love that so many Christians talk about, but a sense of connection with their spirit. I see in others the flaws and the perfection that I feel in myself. I could never have loved those without having experienced such pain.
I do believe that it is only by seeing the contrast that we are enabled to tell the difference.
To be grateful for a lesson does not mean that I am glad that I was so stupid and flawed to have had the lesson. But nor does it mean that I would make those same mistakes again.
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Daniel,
Thanks again for stopping back. I think I did misunderstand what you were saying because of the way you worded your comment. That’s the problem with blogging…it’s a challenge to get your point across with a certain tone when you can’t use your voice to do it. I agree with you when you say you’re grateful for what you learned from the difficult and sometimes heartwrenching situations you have been in. I had thought you were being flippant about your affairs. I apologize. I think that’s one of God’s gifts to us – even thought it’s a wierd one – being able to remember our mistakes so we don’t repeat them…or atleast try harder NOT to repeat them. Thanks for your comments Daniel, and for clearing things up a bit for me .
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For your interest or amusement, I found the following quote from Maria Montessori:
“Discipline must come through liberty. . . . We do not consider an individual disciplined only when he has been rendered as artificially silent as a mute and as immovable as a paralytic. He is an individual annihilated, not disciplined.”
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I like your website for informing a lot of people, it’s just sometimes people seem to get themselves tied up in unnecessary pitfalls over something that’s very simple .
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