Sex is good, and fun. Sex is to be a PRIVATE thing between two MARRIED people – no less, no more. Somehow I got the message growing up that sex was dirty, and that it was something women did because they had to, and sometimes men would take it by force. But I also learned that sex was what you did with a man you had feelings for to show him you loved him, and that sex can be a weapon used to get what you want. Of course a lot of my information came from women who were watching out for me because of their own horribly abusive pasts. This got even more confusing for me when I did start experimenting with boyfriends and found that I liked what I was feeling, so how could it be a bad thing? That must mean that I am bad. I am dirty. There is something wrong with me. I’d tease boyfriends though I didn’t know it was teasing. One minute I’d want to play and the next I was overcome with guilt and felt ugly and ashamed. (There wasn’t much difference from the Christian boys I dated and the ones who weren’t.) This line of thinking got me into trouble and sunk me into depression more than once. It ruined every relationship I had up to Benny and almost ruined my marriage. We’ve been together 14 years, but it almost didn’t last past 3.
I didn’t know how to go from being told my whole life that sex was bad to thinking it was good and fun and SHOULD be with my husband. That’s messed up. Sure we talked about sex stuff in pre-marital counseling, but we lied. I wasn’t comfortable enough to talk about it then and sort of thought it would fix itself after we were married. Oh boy. Was I wrong! So what happened? How did I miss that sex is not only a good thing but it is meant to be enjoyable and provide a deeper connection to your mate? Why didn’t someone explain to me the whole “two shall become one” thing?
One of my favorite magazines is Marriage Partnership. It arrives quarterly and ALWAYS has at least one article that has to do with sex. Over my short break from this blog I went back and read the last 4 or 5 issues and was relieved (again) that I’m not the only one who has struggled with some of this stuff. One article interestingly pointed out that God intended for us to find pleasure with our mates and even went as far to explain that a penis has more than one function, but a clitoris has only one – to bring pleasure to a woman. I NEVER thought of that before. After re-reading Song of Solomon, it makes perfect sense. BTW, The first time I read that book, I was sitting in church bored out of my mind. I had a hard time stifling my giggles and my shock at something so “dirty” being in the Bible. That’s a 12-year-old girl for you! I always wondered why I had verses quoted at me all the time…and mused that none came from that book. I didn’t think any of the people in my church had read it, or they would lighten up on the whole “sexual urges are from the devil” speeches. I always wondered why God would want that book mixed in with His other Holy stuff. Thanks to other writers who have broached the topic and a Joe Beam seminar on Love, Sex, and Marriage, I’m a little wiser and a lot more comfortable talking about it. I’ve also found healing from some wonderful resources, which I’ll list in a future post.
Like every other good thing in life, satan has done his best to distort sex. He found a way to take something beautiful and precious and turn it into something cheap and sleazy. I know far too many women who can’t/won’t talk about it because of shame, abuse, fear of looking stupid or naive, among other reasons. One of the other ways satan has distorted this gift from God is by convincing thousands of believers that porn is o.k. if it is viewed with your mate. WHAT??? I will go toe to toe with anyone who would argue for that case. Porn is NEVER o.k. It too is a distortion of what God intended. This applies to singles as well. Any form of porn will lead you down a path you don’t want to go…whether it be pictures, videos, or the hot and steamy love scenes in romance novels. Yeah, I have a problem with those too. It’s soft porn and takes your mind to places that aren’t pleasing to God.
I know a man who is a fill-in minister and he thinks there is nothing wrong with looking as long as he doesn’t act on it. I’m telling you, this destructive path has ended ministry careers of a few friends of mine. It has also ended marriages of people close to me. If you are a believer, you are a target and not immune from this issue. See it for what it really is, and turn away from it. If you love someone who struggles with sexual sin, love and pray them through it and help them find the help they need if they are willing. It’s not always that easy though, is it?
I’ve mentioned XXXchurch on my blog before. They call themselves the #1 Christian porn site and that offends a lot of people. (I’m not one of them.) Their mission is to unveil the deception and pain that porn plays in a lot of lives of men and women alike. They offer a free internet accountability service to anyone who is interested. It’s an accountability report that you can sign up for and once a month you and 1 or more of your accountability partners (that you choose) receives an email listing of all the sites visited from your computer. Even blogs show up as questionable sites, especially blogs like mine with post titles like “Sex, Sex, Sex”. (HaHa) The two guys who started this ministry are Craig Gross and Mike Foster. Their documentary is called, “Missionary Positions” and says on the cover, “Doing the work of the Lord isn’t always easy…But their faith is hardcore!” These guys have been through a lot on their mission to help and bring healing to the masses that are gripped by this “porno plague”. They are funny and witty, and determined to follow God’s call for them in this ministry. They get hate mail from people in the porn industry as well as Christians. They have been spit at and called horrible names by Christian protestors at a porn festival. That makes me as angry as the time I passed by a church and saw people (including children) holding picket signs that said, “God hates Fags”. They have a t-shirt that says, “Jesus Loves Porn Stars”. If you think about it, He does. He died for them too. They are not beyond His reach. They are no more sinful than we (long-time believers) are, we just don’t like to think about it that way with our “sin hierarchy”. I hope you’ll check out their website and pray for them as they stand in the gap for people who struggle with sexual sin.
Next post: Temptation – My story
Great post, friend! I love Marriage Partnership, too. I just haven’t read it in a long time.
BTW, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Tommy Nelson, from Denton Bible Church in North Dallas. He has an excellent series on the book, The Song of Solomon (Songs). I would highly recommend it for anyone considering marriage as well as for those who are already married.
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Tagging on to Peach’s comment–you can go to one of Tommy’s Song of Solomon conferences–or you can listen to his current series online. He’s done this for years–and it is excellent stuff. He is Aug’s landlord and he is a man of high integrity.
Somehow between Satan’s confusion and much legalism in Christianity we have this s*x thing way off track. Since it is a huge temptation–and patience and personal holiness are not popular in our society are not popular–Satan will continue to be successful–unless we are vocal to counter his lies.
I agree with your strong stand on porn–I will have to spend some time on the site you have mentioned. Porn is never right. Never. And with the *convenience* of computers–accountability should be required in most families.
Thanks again for taking time to put these ideas out there! I believe you are right on track!
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Thanks friends. It is a little nervewracking writing this stuff, but I’m confident I’m doing the right thing. Thanks for the encouragement and for keeping on coming back!
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Niki,
This is good stuff. You are proclaiming the truth and I’m proud of you for tackling it.
BTW, the SOS study I’ve been (slowly) doing is listed on my blog.
Also, Bek at
http://darlingwarhorse.blogspot.com/
has a good post about porn a while back. I can’t think of the name of it, but I’ll bet she’d appreciate reading yours and want to connect.
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So I have been so out of the loop these past several daysy… I caught up on your blog today… All 4 posts…
Dustin Dopps is starting a series on his blog tommorow about how porn hurt his life and his marriage… and how he has learned to heal from it…
I think it should be a great set of posts…
Anyway… I think you are 100% on with your thoughts so far. I have this great sex talk for teens that demonstrates how something that is awesome when used as intended can be a disaster when used outside of it’s intentions.
I think that is the far better message we need to send families and teens.
God Bless Niki
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Excellent post, Niki. I found your blog via Dustin via Kevin. You said a lot of things I have felt for a long time. There has been no outlet for me to discuss these things with anyone but my wife, though, as I am a poor student who can’t afford counseling, and you know how any church is likely to respond or what politics it might stir up there. I have found help and healing from alternative resources, one of which being Marriage Partnership. Excellent mag. We need to find a new script to read to our children about sex. Kudos to you for being open about this issue knowing many will read your blog.
Jared
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This isn’t about this particular post, although your blog DOES look interesting!
I actually found your blog when I typed in the words “where the saints meet”, thinking that I could find that directory online. I stumbled upon your blog . . . and lo and behold, find out you live in Denver . . . and this week my husband was interviewed for a possible position in Westminster. This is a preliminary interview, and I have no idea if he’ll be offered a job there or not.
I noticed Jeff Slater posting a comment; he’s a “friend” from an old C of C Yahoo list we were both on.
I currently attend North Atlanta Church of Christ with my husband and son. Drop by my blog if you wish!
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I love this post! I had lots of sex before marriage, trying to get love. And it was fun because I knew in the back of my mind that it was wrong. Then I got married & sex lost all it’s appeal – so my hubby & I turned to porn. It’s a slippery slope! I just got out of a 2 year affair just over a year ago & my husband & I are enjoying each other now (after much counselling) I used to think it was OK to watch with my husband, but we were so SO wrong! Take it from me! And same goes for romance novels – you CAN’T live in a fantasy world – and it messes up the real world that you HAVE to live in!
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Niki,
What you are saying is so vital! We are constantly surrounded by sex in our day-to-day lives. It is a constant battle and Satan loves to watch us struggle. I have been following your posts and agree with you whole-heartedly.
Especially about porn, having experienced sexual addiction in my marriage. I married knowing of my husband’s problem, but was very naive about it. After several rocky years, we are now porn free. For me, the hardest thing after coming through such an experience is rebuilding trust. For him, I imagine the hardest thing is how it is always lurking, one click away.
I would like to recommend another accountability program, Covenant Eyes. Accountablity partners get detailed weekly reports, it sounds similar to the one you mentioned.
Thanks for speaking your mind on a topic that many of us have a hard time sharing on! Much love!
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