I was at a party with some friends last night when we got into an interesting discussion about dating. My friend’s teenage daughter (a freshmen in high school) was sitting with us, and she was telling me that she was dumped last month by a boy who didn’t treat her well, but she still likes him. I told her she didn’t need to be dating anyway. It wasn’t my place because I’m not her parent, but I said it before I thought about it. Her mom said her sister-in-law had a rule for her daughter that she couldn’t date until she made a list of the qualities she was looking for in a boyfriend, and that the girl’s standards changed a lot and she was more choosy about who she would date because of it. My friend thought this was a great idea, but I pushed the conversation a little further than that.
I asked my friend’s daughter why she needed/wanted to date a boy. She said because it’s fun and you can do stuff together. I told her you can do that with a “friend”, so why the need for it to be a “boyfriend”? She just smiled and I said the only reason boys and girls want to be boyfriend and girlfriend is so you have someone you can be physical with. “Am I wrong?” I asked her. She shook her head and said “No”. As far as the list thing is concerned, I had a list like that when I was twelve! I also had a 17-year-old boyfriend. Please tell me why a 17-year-old would want to date a 12-year-old?! I know I’m pretty special (wink~wink) but I’m pretty sure it was the size of my chest. Also, it took me about 30 seconds to jot down a list that would fit whatever guy I was currently interested in, or I would justify him to my existing list. Here’s what I’m trying to say: Lists and Rules aren’t enough.
On the way to the party Benny and I had been talking about why my brain has been set on sex (mainly writing about it – haha) for the past week. He had read my post yesterday and said, “where’d that come from??” I explained where my thoughts have been and told him my frustrations with a silent (or skewed) society and church on the subject. I was angry that I grew up in the “Just Say No” days. “Just Say No” wasn’t good enough for me, and it’s not for kids today either. I wanted to know WHY I should say no. “Because I said so”, and “because God said so” weren’t good enough either. Neither was the pregnancy and STD speech …no teenager thinks that can happen to them.
At youth rallies I attended, sex, drinking, drugs and satanic music were the common themes. I wondered aloud if I really was taught the “why” but I didn’t hear it because the speaker lost me the second he started bashing everything he thought I might be doing. I still hate it when people assume things about me or generally lump me into a stereotype. As I’ve already divulged here, I was playing around with sex, but the other things weren’t even a temptation for me.
I also hate it when Christians use the Bible to prove something to people who don’t know the Bible and don’t yet have a reason to believe (or care) what it says. At that point in my life, I didn’t have any understanding of scripture or the depth of God’s love and desires for me. So why should I believe a brief-case toting youth minister who didn’t know me or my personal struggles, standing up on a stage talking down to me and threatening me with hell if I didn’t follow God’s plan for my life? I needed something a little more concrete than that…something more real to me. I think kids today deserve more than that canned approach. The only people I listened to were people I thought were genuine in their concern for me and those I had a relationship with. Honestly, sometimes I didn’t listen to them either. Being a teenager is tough, and learning about sexual purity in the middle of hormonal changes and rages isn’t helpful or practical. Those are lessons that should be taught LONG before they will be tested.
I believe kids aren’t learning and practicing sexual purity for a lot of reasons, the main one being it isn’t being taught in the home. I know there are always exceptions to this, but I know and love many Christians who have very worldly views when it comes to purity. A lady commented on my last post that she is single again after a painful divorce and even her Christian friends chide her and don’t think purity is even a possibility in today’s world. These are church friends, the ones who should be encouraging and supporting her. That tells me something about church isn’t working…but that’s a post for another day. I have friends who say they know their kids will experiment because that’s just normal and they can’t stop them. While that is true to a point, training for years before those days arrive would be a better offense than the “that’s just normal” defense. I don’t have all the answers, but I have plenty of ideas. My kids are already learning about modesty, purity, respect, and all those qualities God told me to ingrain in them.
Zoe comes to me and tells me when a shirt is too small for her. She’s 3 years old, so how does she know? Because ever since she started wearing big girl clothes as opposed to baby clothes, we’ve been teaching her that if it’s tight fitting or she raises her hands over her head and you can see her belly button – her shirt is too small. When she asked “Why?” (one of her favorite words) we told her that her belly didn’t need to be seen by everyone – that is skin we think should be covered. Am I worried that she’s going to be showing it off or someone is going to lust after her body because of the availability of her skin? Not at 3, but when she’s 12 and her body is developing…who knows? It won’t be our clothing rule that will keep her modest, it will be the day-to-day training ever since she can remember.
Clothing is a symptom, not the problem. The problem is in the heart. I need to speak to Zoe’s heart and teach her about God’s heart for her. There are teens out there who are modest and remained pure until their weddings.I know them. I know it can be done. I’ve talked with the parents and asked, “How did you do it?” Their answer? You have to start small…as in when they are young. This may not be a great comfort to you if your kids are already in their teens, and I’m not saying it is too late if they are. I do have to warn you that teaching sexual purity is not easy. I believe God calls us to do it and He gives us the strength to stand up under the persecution that inevitably follows: the rolling eyes, the comments about being prudish or old-fashioned, and looking a little ridiculous to those who don’t share our convictions.
If you’re the parent of a teen, please don’t use unwanted pregnancy and STD’s as your reasons for not wanting your kids to abstain from sex. Yes, those are scary and the consequences are far-reaching, but as a spiritual being, you know it is so much more than that! Giving your body (including the heart) away to someone who will be foolish with it is not only stupid and a sin, but it hurts. Tough consequences are not always physical. Books on self-help and recovery are a multimillion dollar industry. I wonder if that would be so if people in general-including Christians – would take sexual purity more seriously.
Parents: Hear me say this loud and clear: It is NOT the school’s job to teach your kids sexual purity. It is NOT the youth minister’s job (or his wife’s). It is NOT the job of the preacher at your church to do a sermon series on sexual purity and you pray really hard that your child is listening. It is YOUR job. No one can or should do this for you! Who loves your child more than you???
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN!! We, as usual, are on the same page with this whole issue. Thank you for having the guts and the eloquence to post about it with such clarity and conviction.
I have loved both of these posts and look forward to reading more about what’s on your heart, friend.
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Just a few weeks ago, a group of my freshman girls approached me with this question: “Why is sex outside of marriage a bad thing?” I could’ve told them what the Bible has to say about it, but I figured they’d heard that a million times. I could’ve reminded them about unwanted pregnancies or about STD’s. But I knew they had heard that all before too.
So, I took a deep breath and took a totally different “tack” with them. One that was painful for me to share, but necessary. I told them about how special sex is….that it is more than just a temporary physical high. I didn’t shy away from the fact that it is a very pleasurable activity. I then explained to them the emotional aspects of sex…how you lose a part of your heart, your soul, to the person to whom you are making love.
Lastly I shared with them about the devastation in my own marriage. I told them how the man I had chosen to love for the rest of my life had chosen someone else to love, and how deep the pain from that went. Not just because I loved him, but because I had become one with him in mind, body, and soul.
Although it was a difficult thing for me to share, it was worth it. I saw something register in their eyes that let me know that they HEARD me…really heard me.
I decided right away after my husband left that I would let my pain become my passion, meaning that I would use what I had learned to help others. Sex outside of matrimony destroys lives–the lives of more than just the couple engaging in it. That’s why it is one of Satan’s favorite ploys.
Thank you for this post.
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I hate to make too many *big* comments–even though our 3 are young adults–they are not married–and I honestly don’t *know* what they do when they are out with someone of the opposite sex.
I did feel teaching them was our responsibility–and I continue to pray each of them will stay pure until marriage–if marriage is what God has for them.
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Thank you Peach! Once again, you’re lifting me up my friend!
Jennifer – I’m impressed that a group of girls trusted you enough to ask you such a question! I think you did and said the right thing. I too made the decision to let my pain become my passion…that is why I try to write about sex, abuse, being an available and purposeful parent, etc. That’s heavy stuff so it’s only occasional, but it’s important to me to keep the discussion open so I can teach and learn from others.
JB – You are one of my most respected commenters – you can say anything and as much as you want to here. I did think of you while I was writing this stuff. I wondered what you taught your children, and how that has turned out since they are all young adults now. You seem to be just the kind of person I would have liked to interview on the subject, and I’d still love to hear any words of wisdom you and permahonee have for me and Benny as we are training up our small children. Please feel free to email me or comment here anytime!
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Thanks so much for this blog entry!
Being a teenager, I always enjoy reading different people’s takes on purity and sex’s true purpose. I have so many friends that are not only giving away their hearts, but their bodies too, and it hurts.
I am lucky enough that my parents have a strong marriage and have taught me well concerning sex, modesty, and purity. Sometimes I think its weird to be my age and never had a boyfriend or been kissed. But then I think of God and the true meaning of romantic relationships.
One thing that really stuck with me was when you asked the girl whether she wanted a boyfriend just to have someone ot be physical with. I have never had a boyfriend, but its been a main reason for wanting one- even if it never gets to sex. I wanted someone to tell me that I’m beautiful and to hug me and love me, and then I remember…Christ already did that. He’s the PERFECT guy, and who am I to do things independantly.
I will pray for your ministry, and thanks so much for your wisdom!
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