Sometimes I Write

When I was in middle school I started a notebook with all of my favorite song lyrics in it. We only had records and cassette tapes at the time, so I’d have to play, listen, pause, write, then repeat until I had the whole song written out. I was obsessed. I wanted so badly to be a songwriter so I became a poet. I was the proud author of many cheesy, bad, but rhyming poems. They were mostly about boys (ofcourse) and life in a dysfunctional home. There were a few times I wrote something good, but then I couldn’t put music to it. I could write, and I could sing, but the two just wouldn’t join together into beautiful melodies that people would want to pay to listen to. I couldn’t understand how music could be so important to me yet God wouldn’t make me a star. 🙂

Many years have passed and I still can’t seem to marry the two talents. The difference is that I no longer feel the need to. I can sing almost anything, and I still love to write, but I don’t have to be able to do them both at the same time. I know the talents God has given me, and though I won’t be winning a Grammy anytime soon, God has blessed my music just the same. I learned a painful lesson in college – Any noise that comes out of our mouths in praise to the Lord is a joyful one to Him. Perfect pitch and being able to harmonize are great, but God doesn’t care as long as I’m giving HIM my best.

God continues to use music to speak to me, and it is my favorite way to speak to Him. Have you ever heard a song and been so choked up by the words or the flow of the music that you had to stop what you were doing just to regain your composure? That happens to me all the time. Because I have a musical heart, that is how I most easily hear God speak to me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a struggle in my life and then I hear a song that “seems” to be my answer for what I should do next, or just one that says how much He adores me even when ugly sin has won again. He wants to rescue me and save me from Satan, and even from myself. He never gives up on me. Then there are the songs that kick me in the butt just when I need it and I’m shocked at how blatant the message is. I know God meant for me to hear it, and those stop me in my tracks too. Sometimes I struggle against what He’s trying to tell me, and sometimes I fall down with a repentant heart. He knows I’m listening.

A few days ago one of “those” songs came on the radio while I was driving. I probably should have pulled over because I was in tears in about 2 seconds flat. It was a Holy Spirit moment and once again I thanked God for speaking to me through such talented women. I wish you were here with me so I could sing it to you. I learned all of the words today after I bought the CD. Maybe I need to start another notebook of my favorite lyrics…

I Need You To Love Me
By Barlow Girl

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it’s here I see the truth
I don’t deserve You

Chorus
But I need You to love me, and I
I won’t keep my heart from You this time
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
‘Cause You’re a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been