To answer Char’s question…
1-2-3 Magic is a program that teaches effective discipline for children 2-12. The author is Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. and his program was the winner of the 1999 National Parenting Publications Gold Award. We first heard about it from a friend right after Max was born (in 1999 – ha). Our church put on the program for adults during our VBS the next summer. Our children have been raised using this discipline method, and I can tell you that for our family, and many others we know, it really works. I wanted to give you a brief description of the program, but for more information visit www.ThomasPhelan.com or check your local library and bookstores for his books and videos.
Here’s what you learn with 1-2-3 Magic:
How to get your kids to STOP doing what you don’t want them to do (arguing, whining, tantrums, sibling rivalry, etc.)
How to encourage your kids to START doing what you want them to do (cleaning rooms, going to bed, homework, etc.)
How to avoid the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome
How to handle misbehavior in public
How to deal with the Six kinds of Testing and Manipulation
Ten steps for building self-esteem
Teachers: How to maintain control in your classroom
We were impressed with the program when it worked with Max almost immediately. It has also been used successfully with learning disabled, attention deficit and emotionally disturbed children as well as the visually and hearing impaired. Here’s how it works…well…just the basics. I’ll use Max as my example. If Max is arguing with me, I would say, “Max,that’s one.” If he continues to argue or whine, I would say, “that’s two.” If he still won’t stop, I’d say, “that’s three – time out for arguing with me”. Or if the offense is really bad, he gets a spanking. At the 3rd opportunity to make the right choice, there is a consequence. My children rarely get to “3”, and we enjoy hearing from others that they are impressed that our children are so well-behaved.
Let me just say that this program works for OUR FAMILY. Although I would recommend it to everyone I know, I also know there are other discipline programs out there that work really well for other families. I believe the key to any discipline program is CONSISTENCY. What I like about 1-2-3 MAGIC is the simplicity of the program, and that it eliminates two things: too much talking, and too much emotion. Coming from an abusive situation myself, those two things are VERY important to me. It is when the emotions run high that parents fly out of control and go too far, moving from “discipline” to abuse. I know the destructiveness of this cycle and don’t want to EVER repeat history. When I learned this program, it brought me a lot of peace, especially when I saw it work with my child who could barely talk yet. The rules of No-talking and No-emotions really work, and now I don’t even have to be near Max to count him. Usually when he does something he knows he shouldn’t do, he’ll look at me to see if I’ve noticed. I look at him from across the room (say, at church) and hold up my index finger and he knows that he’s been counted to one. My darling daughter makes me count to two everytime. (I wonder where she gets that from??) Even Pete who is almost two years old, knows 1-2-3. There is no “magic” in the 1-2-3 MAGIC program, but it works.
The criticism I’ve heard from friends that use other forms of discipline is that children shouldn’t get two chances to be obedient. Benny and I see it as giving them the opportunity to make the right choice, even if it takes more than one try. (It takes us more than one try sometimes, doesn’t it?) Ofcourse there are offenses that make us skip over the 1 & 2 and go straight to the consequence. But it’s rare at our house. I wouldn’t dream of telling someone that their discipline style was inferior to mine, like a lady at one of the churches we attended told me. I was counting Max one day at church and she verbally attacked me and told me how he would take advantage of having more than one chance to correct his behavior, then told me all about what she uses and why it is better than 1-2-3. I felt like she was trying to put me in my place in front of another friend, and I was furious. A few weeks later we found a book on her chosen discipline style on Benny’s desk in his office. Coincidence? Doubt it. We left it there when we moved. 🙂 Find what works for you and your family, and keep yourself from criticizing what may work for someone else. We parents need all the encouragement we can get.
Dr. Phelan has written several books. I am only familiar with the first three. Here they are:
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behavior, Independence and Self-Esteem
“I Never Get Anything!” How to keep Your Kids From Running Your Life
Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage and Let Go of Your 13-18 Year Olds
Self-Esteem Revolutions in Children: Understanding and Managing the Critical Transitions in Your Child’s Life
All About Attention Deficit Disorder: Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment
Our kids were pretty much grown by 99 but that’s exactly what we used with them. We got the same, “you give them too many chances to be obedient” but whatever–I thought giving them the count gave them just a bit of time to realize I meant what I said and they didn’t have to react on impulse–it was a choice they made. You must be consistent–but I do believe it works!
LikeLike
I would have been so livid if a friend hid a book on their prefered parenting style in my house. I think it would be a friendship ending offense.
Christi and I were once out of town. Some friends had their house flood with sewage and we were going to be gone a week, wo we told them to just live at our place for the week while the landlors got their house disinfected.
When we returned they had rearranged our whole house and with their note saying thanks left comments about how much better theu house flowed their rearrangements.
It was a friendship ending offence to me. I was done!
The humorus side was my wife actually liked the new Living Room layout and kept it. I wanted to put it back on principle.
Anyway, I say all this to note that rearranging furniture is one level of offense, but trying to rearrange my parenting style. That would have been 10 times worse.
LikeLike
Are you kidding me Kevin? I would be furious about someone rearranging my house too – unless it was my bestfriend. Then again, she knows better! lol
The book was actually left on his desk in his office at the church building. I tossed it onto the table in the library – we didn’t read it or keep it. I need to let go of the grudge though – I still don’t like the woman. To me it was a friendship preventing offense. It wasn’t an isolated incidence, and she’s one of those “everything is black and white” kind of people.
LikeLike
Oh man, I totally forgot about that book! We had it, it worked it’s wonders for a while and then like everything else, it slowly died out. I need to get back on that one, it was really good!
LikeLike
thank you niki! you and angi are just the best…seriously did you get my short little email?! 🙂
LikeLike
Whatsa matter Niki? I thought you were the kind that liked to give books telling people how to live their lives blah blah blah. LOLOLOLOL Sorry Niki I couldnt pass up the chance to razz you…This is John , by the way. Now, Mr. Friendship E. Offense up there, he sounds like he could use a good dose of Jesus! As far as the 1-2-3, hey if it works for ya , great. I prefer the “Never let em see you coming” technique…Their doing something bad and suddenly they feel wrath….Now about your kids coming this summer, send em on, I will get the leather strap limbered up LOLOLOL….Take care Niki and tell Musclehead i said HI!
LikeLike
Thanks for the info! I’ll check out the website. I appreciate you sharing your stories and examples.
LikeLike
I raised my kids the old fashioned way. The book I used was the Holy Bible.
Love and discipline. They were all wonderful and still are.
LikeLike