Sometimes I Write

I’ve been debating whether or not I should blog about this. First I decided no because it’s an emotional and touchy subject for me, and because looking back at my last few posts I noticed they haven’t been very uplifting. Secondly, I seem to have zero blogging etiquette and don’t know if there are things you just shouldn’t be sharing about in cyberspace. How personal is too personal? My personal space is pretty wide and deep. It’s actually a defense mechanism I learned at a very young age, and it works for me. Lay it on the line, stare it in the face, dissect it, accept, reject it, or chew on it for awhile and move on. From another angle it looks like this: be transparent, always let them know what you think and how you feel, honesty with others AND self is the best policy for survival and the path of least pain. Even with my husband there was no gradual getting to know the deep and personal stuff. I told him EVERYTHING on the first date. I figured if it scared him off then he wasn’t the guy for me. Thank God it worked out! lol

In a way it’s strange that I feel the need to pre-qualify a post with you, my blogging friends. You keep coming back here despite my silliness, imperfections, and growing pains. Is it possible these are the things that bind us together as friends? We are all on a journey. I’m so relieved to know that we don’t all stumble on the road at the same time. I have appreciated your comments, support and prayers over everything I’ve posted about so far which is why I’m willing to lay my heart out in the open with you today. Please don’t think all of my future posts will have this serious nature. Not everything effects me like this subject…

The day after we got home from camp this week I received a letter in the mail. WE (whole family) have been turned down for our health insurance policy that we applied for because of MY weight. Yes, that’s what the letter said. I am so humiliated! I am extremely overweight, I know, but I’m also very healthy (I’m not making excuses). Other than 3 c-sections in the last six years, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve needed ANY medical attention since I gained all of this weight. My cholesterol and blood pressure are normal which surprises people sometimes. My heart is healthy. My body is fine other than carrying around an extra 100 pounds or so. I know this weight can cause problems in the future, so I’m working on it.

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, even though I haven’t always been fat. I was athletic throughout childhood and on into college. I played fastpitch softball on and off from 7th grade until junior year at York. I played soccer on and off from the age of 9 until Freshmen year at York when I was injured and quit the team. I still have killer calve muscles, but the rest of me has gone downhill. When I stopped playing sports, the weight came on quickly as it was accompanied by depression following the break up of my life – the guy I thought I was supposed to marry dumped me. My mother has battled anorexia and bulimia, and has been very conscious of my weight for me. I think her struggle with weight became my struggle too, though I dealt with it differently. She would tell me about all of the latest diets, even buying some and mailing them to me. Before you think her cruel, like I did for awhile, she really was trying to help the only way she knew how. I’m glad I came to terms with that.

If you are female you know my pain. I have NEVER met a woman who didn’t struggle, or atleast worry about her weight. Our society treats overweight women horribly so it’s a fear for most girls/women to gain any extra pounds. Don’t believe me? Check out some statistics concerning the number of girls and women across the country who are in treatment programs for the conditions I mentioned, trying to get their lives back or just trying to survive. Or how about the women who exercise themselves to death not to be healthy, but to fit an image put up for us all to mimic. Mrs. Perfect body is on every magazine cover in every store you enter. Until recently even stores that sell plus size clothing used skinny models! Not only are women expected to fit the size, men see these same ads and expect us to also. Weight is an issue for men too, I’m not trying to say if you’re male you’re a pig for thinking us women have to be skinny supermodel types. As a matter of fact, every male in my life treats me GREAT regardless of my size. I’m just saying it’s a problem.

Our nation as a whole has a weight problem that is growing faster than ever. And I’m part of it. There is no good excuse for obesity. There are many causes and reasons, both emotional and health wise, but no good excuses. I have many overweight friends and we agonize over the problem together everytime we ask for prayers and support, and even when we don’t talk about it at all. It makes me angry to hear a woman complain about the extra 5-10 pounds of baby fat she hasn’t lost yet 2 months after the baby is born while I have tried every diet on the planet in the past 12 years and failed. I’ve been on the weight loss rollercoaster forever and I’m SOOOOOO ready to get off!

Now for the Hope part: I may have found a solution! My friend Laurie read a book last year called The Insulin Resistant Diet, by Cheryle R. Hart, M.D. and Mary Kay Grossman, R.D.. When she called me to tell me about it, we did the self-test together over the phone. The book said having three or more symptoms meant you probably are insulin resistant, and I had 14! (For you moms out there, I never had gestational diabetes or any problems with my glucose tests when pregnant) I was shocked because I had never even heard of it before. I was also skeptical – remember I’m the queen of diet failures. Well, I borrowed the book from her and never read it. I wanted to see if it made a difference in her first. (don’t call me a chicken!:)) She finally asked for it back because I had it for so long. Laurie began the eating plan called the link and balance eating method this past November. As of today, she has lost 101 pounds, and she looks and feels great! (since November!!!) Well, she mailed the book to me again and I’m finally reading it. It makes a lot of sense to me and I’m beginning to follow the plan myself.

Here’s where YOU come in. I can’t do this alone. I am begging for your prayers and encouragement during this difficult (but not impossible) transition time. It’s not easy changing eating habits, but I know I can do it. I want to do it. I need to do it. The more people who know about it, the more accountability I have in my mind. You don’t have to start leaving me comments about it, though you can if you want to, I just want you to think positive thoughts for me and talk to God about me and my struggle. Pray for my faith, courage, and most importantly my perseverance. This comes in the middle of a summer full of challenges, attacks from Satan, and tremendous blessings from the Lord. I know I can do this with the strength that comes from Him.

I feel a little embarrassed about my guy friends reading this. Women do not talk to men about this issue because of embarrassment, shame, and fear. Let me just say one of the reasons I love you like brothers (you know who you are) is you love me like a sister and treat me like one. You never treat me like I’m less because of my weight and even when you do tease me about stuff, you protect my feelings. You’ll never know just how much that means to me. Even if this whole post makes you uncomfortable, I know I can count on you for prayers too.

I’ll give updates now and then as to how things are going, but I’ll try to be a little more light-hearted with my posts. This has been exhausting creating this one. Thanks for reading it. We have applied with a different insurance carrier so we’ll see what happens next.