Sometimes I Write

If you are new to this blog, I’d like to warn you that I’m going through a very trying, struggling phase right now. Sometimes I post funny, goofy stuff, and sometimes I post my heart cries and pain. Not every day is as bad as this one, and no – I’m not depressed. I post about me and my family and our triumphs and struggles. I often ask for prayers because I know that prayer moves the hands of God. I am not afraid to share myself with you if you’re willing to see me. I appreciate you stopping by to hear my thoughts and leave your questions, comments and rebuttals. I gain much encouragement from the blogging world and leave an open invitation for you to join me on my journey! If you’re not into deep painful thoughts today, move on and check back here in a few days. This week I plan to post about the blogs I read, the many things in my life I’m thankful for, and my questions and thoughts about infertility. (Intrigued now aren’t you?)

It’s Sunday morning and once again I am home sick. UGH! I can’t seem to shake this stuff! Max and Zoe are home too. Max is playing and probably should have gone with Benny and Pete, but his cough is still bad. He’s busy taping Buzz, Woody, and Jessie to the floor with masking tape. Should I be worried? 🙂 Zoe is asleep on the floor, but coughing anyway. I’m still praying for healing for the family.

I just finished watching While You Were Sleeping, starring Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman. (I just love them .) I love that movie because of it’s clear message about the need for family and a place to belong. Don’t we all want and need that? Some people are willing to go to extreme measures to be a part of a family. And let’s face it…It gives me an excuse to have a good cry. After the week I’ve had, the tears flowed pretty easily.

I pulled a muscle in my leg, but thought it was a nerve so I went to see a chiropractor. He told me that I’m under a lot of stress (duh!) and that it’s going to come out in some form in my body. My L5 disc in my lower back and my C3 & C4 discs in my neck are out of whack. He adjusted me, and told me that I needed to baby my leg until it’s healed a little then he’ll show me some stretches to help strengthen it. He was very nice which is good since I need to see him again Wednesday.

My heart is still breaking for my friends that are contemplating divorce. I wish that I could explain why this is effecting me so much, but I can’t. I just plead for prayers on their behalf. They are making the wrong decision and Benny and I seem to be the only ones telling them so. We love them and want to be supportive and at the same time we want to hold them accountable as fellow believers. We know the details and believe strongly that they can work through this season of marriage, but they don’t want to. I’m at a loss for words. (which doesn’t happen often!) I love them so much!

Here’s the icing on this horrible cake. I may need to draw you a road map to help you navigate through the next paragraph. My biological father, Don, was not a part of my life until I was 20 and about to get married. Over the past 12 years we’ve been getting to know each other and have a pretty good relationship. This isn’t about him. This is about Jack. He was married to my mother before I was born, and he’s the father of my younger brothers. He wasn’t a good Dad for many reasons that I’ll not go into today, but he was the only Dad I knew growing up. He and my mother divorced when I was 12. Since then we’ve only had contact a few times. He did not come to my wedding and he’s never seen my children. Well, he remarried when I was in high school and so did my mom. He married a horrible woman with 5 kids, one of them named Nikki. (you following me so far?) I got a phone call this week telling me that Jack was arrested and is in jail for molesting Nikki’s oldest daughter who is 7. (deep breath)

I don’t know any details, and I’m not entirely sure if it’s true. Jack and Betty were getting divorced and this would be a great way to stick it to him. Yes, they are those kind of people. However, I’m the last person who would make light of sexual abuse. My emotions are on overload. Jack was never inappropriate with me. He tried to be good to me to the best of his ability, which wasn’t much. I have a hard time believing these allegations, but then again I don’t know him. He’s been absent from my life for so long – I don’t know who he is. So why does my heart ache the way it does? There was a time when he was MY Dad.

One of the things that drew me to Christianity was knowing I’d have a Father who would never hurt me, abuse me, or abandon me. Words cannot express how important this is to me. I have learned a lot about my earthly fathers since being covered with Christ’s blood. I have struggled with forgiveness towards both of them, but I have been able to do just that. I love them both.

I have a such a strong desire to get to know my father, Don, and we really do have a great relationship now, but I still feel like an outsider when I’m with his family. He and Shari, my wonderful step-mom, are terrific grandparents and they love Benny like a son. We have a great time when we’re together. Don’s siblings have accepted and welcomed me into their lives as well, and I was even blessed to get to know my Grandmother before she died. Don’s children are a different story. Our time together is awkward. They are friendly with us, but beyond that I have no idea how they feel. We have nothing in common other than we all have children. They do not share our faith and values, so that leaves me feeling odd too. (Dad & Shari do share that with us, and we pray that my siblings will accept God’s gift of salvation.)

I don’t desire a relationship with Jack. I do forgive him, and I really feel sorry for him, but I don’t want to get to know him all over again. I’m just praying that somehow, no matter how this story ends, he will come to know the forgiveness and love that only God gives. I pray also for Nikki and her family. If this is all true, how horrified she must be. I cannot promise I would not severely maim anyone who touched my baby girl inappropriately! I wouldn’t have the chance anyway because Benny would beat me to them! This all leaves me feeling like my heart is in my stomach, which makes me want to throw up! (deep sigh)

I serve an amazing God who works miracles all the time. I know He will hold me close as I sort through all of these emotions and feelings. He’ll show me what to do next, and give me the strength to do it. I am free to run into his waiting, willing arms! He is my true Father!