Sometimes I Write

Someone commented on my list that me being a lion and crying easily is a great contradiction. I took it as a compliment and they are right. I feel like a walking contradiction most days. I’m outgoing yet I like to be alone. I ‘ve got rythmn but I can’t dance. I’m brave enough to stand my ground, yet I still worry too much about what other people think. I am not normal. Why would anyone want to be “normal”? Why would I? I like being different. I say that, but then I think of all the ways I am the same as everyone else. I want to be just different enough to make people pause and think. I want to be honest. I want to be holy. I don’t want to be fake. I don’t want to be pious. I want people to read my blog, yet I really do write it for myself as a way to express myself. I don’t want to offend anyone with who I am or what I say, yet there are days I want to tell the world to piss off and mind their own business, and don’t judge me. I want to be real! I want to be relevant. I’ve said that a few times in the past few posts.

I know that I am a work in progress, and sometimes I feel like I am desperately trying to push my way out of a cocoon that someone else put me in. I have wings and I know they work, so why can’t I use them? I feel like my wings are bright enough to make some other works in progress a bit uneasy, yet I see people that have wings so bright that I take a step back and envy their brilliance instead of marveling at the colors God gave them and praising God for the uniqueness He gives each of us.

Laurie got her tongue pierced a few weeks ago. I don’t understand her fascination, but I think it’s kind of cool that she didn’t ask me what I thought first, and regardless of what I would have said she would have done it anyway. She is her own person and makes her own decisions. I think there are too many people out there who let others make decisions for them instead of seeking wisdom and deciding for themselves what they are going to think, feel, support, boycott, buy, wear, eat, spend, give, save, etc.

I dye my hair. I have been about 20 different shades of red or brown since 1990 when I began. I started getting a little gray when I was 18 and decided that it gave me permission to play with the color. I had people tell me my hair would dry up, fall out, frizz out, whatever. 14 years later I have a really cute and short cut that is curly and red and I love it. (My profile picture is 2 years old.) My hair is still thick and it was dry before I began coloring it…so it’s still on the dry side. That’s why there are products out there to help with that. My mom and other women I love very much prefer the natural look. Good for them. I prefer to stand out a bit more. Good for me. I’ve never had the guts to dye it a “weird” color like green, pink, or blue, although it was a nasty orange for a day about a year ago when I tried a new color. I had to wear a hat to WalMart to buy more color to fix it, so you see – I was still worried about what other people might think. I think I want to be different as long as I’m the one in control of whatever is different about me. I have control issues…hahaha.

I prefer jeans or khaki pants. I ALWAYS balked at people wanting me to wear a dress to church, or other more formal functions. I relied heavily on the verse that talks about man looking at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart. I’ll admit I’ve conceded a bit and I now own 2 dresses which I wear sparingly. 🙂 Like God cares what I wear to church. I don’t show cleavage (EVER! not just in church) or too much of the rest of my skin. I don’t wear dirty, ripped, or smelly clothes. If I did, I’d look just like one of the many people Jesus hung out with…the people that need Jesus. Hmmm… Where did we get the idea that we need to clean up before we come to Him? (that’s another rabbit trail we won’t travel down today.)

Laurie will reach different people for Christ than I will being pierced the way she is. I will reach different people with my bright hair and blue jeans than you will. It’s a good thing we all have our places, huh? I’m moving to a place where piercings and colored hair are a way of life. They are not unordinary in the least. Think about your perspectives. Why do you view things the way you do? Why are you drawn to some people while others make you extremely uncomfortable? Are you a walking contradiction too?

I don’t want to be what other people tell me I need to be. I want to be what God wants me to be, and we’re still talking about that. About the time I figure it all out, he’s going to take me home and give me a new body, my priorities will be drastically different, and I REALLY won’t care what the world thinks about what I say or do. It won’t be out of disrespect, I’ll just be so in tune with my Abba Popa that I will just be an extension of Him and His grace and mercy regardless of what others think, say or do. What do you think?